Ted finished his sixth plate of bacon, sucked his greasy lips, and moaned with delight.
“One more?” asked the waitress.
Ted gurgled “No, just the check.”
The waitress thanked him with a smile and left a vinyl folder on the table.
Ted took it, and it slid out of his hand.
He tried again, and it popped out of his hands and on to the floor.
So did his napkin.
“Help?”
The waitress slid him into the parking lot, where he was sprayed with soap and hosed down.
“Thank you,” said Ted, and he waddled away.
(Without paying the bill.)
Tag: silly
Hit The Sauce
My friend Tony has been hitting the sauce pretty hard recently.
Hitting it hard enough to shatter the glass jars it comes in.
I wish he’d do it outside on the driveway so I can hose the sauce off into the gutter, but he does it in the kitchen and it splatters on the countertop and on the stove.
What a mess!
I told him that it comes in bags now. Those can take a beating.
“What, like cheap wine?” Tony growls. “So you think I should be getting cheap sauce, too?”
God, he’s so stupid. I need a drink.
The Silent But Deadly E
A silent e changes the pronunciation of the vowel earlier in the word.
Cod becomes code.
Slop becomes slope.
Wad becomes wade.
However, after years of training, a silent e can also become invisible and a master of the deadly arts.
Hai!
These are ninja e, and they are the deadliest assassins in grammar.
One powerful spin from a ninja e can crush your spine, leaving you a limp rag before their deadly rage.
Try to crawl away.
Try to scream for help.
By the time you realize she, the ninja e is here, you’ve already been killed by her.
For Ants
When people say to spray for ants
I’d rather that they pray for ants
I think ants are really neat
So I kneel down and bless their feet
I tell the ants to bow their heads
And then my mom gives me my meds
They make the voices go away
Which tell me when I ought to pray
I sleep and dream of Lord Apshai
Who rules all ants from upon high
He then demands a sacrifice
I look around for something nice
And that’s why I burned all my pants
Burnt offerings to the god of the ants.
Amen.
Stone
Remember the story of Stone Soup?
A traveling beggar puts a big stone in a cauldron, adds well water, and hoodwinks the whole village into bringing vegetables and meat for a communal soup feast.
The beggar kept this scam going until one day, he woke up to find the cauldron missing.
He managed to scrape up cauldrons for the soup in the next few villages, but his luck ran out eventually.
“Okay, you don’t have a cauldron for soup,” he said. “We can make a big stone sandwich instead.”
Three cracked teeth later, angry villagers brained him with the stone.
The Oldest Trick In The Book
Every time my neighbor Stan says “That’s the oldest trick in the book!” I ask him “Which book?”
“Well, it’s just an expression!” Stan says. “Don’t be so literal!”
As a collector of books, I own many volumes of tricks, and the oldest trick in the oldest book involves magically turning a person into a frog.
Sadly, the first page is missing from that oldest volume, so there may be an even earlier trick, but it’s lost to history.
I show the book to Stan. “See,” I say. “This is the oldest trick.”
“Ribbit,” says Stan, and he hops away.
Caesar
Caesar approaches The Roman Senate.
Cimber presents him with a petition, but he slaps it away.
Cimber growls and rips the dictator’s tunic.
Caesar stares, muscles rippling.
A mighty fist lashes out, Cimber goes sprawling.
Casca pulls a knife. The Senate gasps as he raises it.
Caesar kicks! The knife flies away. Then with a roundhouse kick, Casca follows.
“GET HIM!” shouts Brutus, and they all attack.
One by one, Caesar kicks, punches, and chops his way through the Senate, defeating them all.
“CUT!” shouts the director.
He calls the producer. “I think we made a mistake casting Chuck Norris.”
Harvest Moon
Looking at my calendar, I see that today is marked “Harvest Moon.”
So, we’ll build a fleet of gigantic rocketships, and we’ll fly to the moon.
Once we get there, we’ll set up a mining colony and extract all the minerals and isotopes from the moon.
Then, we’ll use the moon to build a spaceport from which we can launch a wave of missions to explore the solar system.
Fantastically rich, we’ll spent the rest of our days in zero-gravity luxury.
Sure, I take things too literally sometimes, but what’s Life without taking chances?
Now let’s go build those rocketships!
Defending Soup
If you find yourself facing an opponent with nothing to defend yourself with but a can of soup:
Step one: Remove a sock
Step two: Place can of soup in sock
Step three: Swing sock at opponent
Step four: Repeat until your opponent surrenders or succumbs
If your opponent doesn’t surrender or succumb, you may be swinging the wrong end of the sock. Adjust your hold so the heavy soup-end is swinging.
Once your opponent surrenders or succumbs, you can celebrate your victory with a nice hot bowl of soup.
(Place sock on hand for dining companion, Socky The Sockpuppet.)
Trail
We lift our backpacks, feel the weight shift on our backs, and head out on the trail.
But instead of birdsong, we are greeted with stump-speeches.
Instead of slapping away mosquito, we slap away pollsters.
And where we once pushed back branches, we dodge the fliers thrust out at us by candidates.
Lobbyists rush past us, handing out wads of cash.
I check my GPS and realize we’ve wandered off the hiking trail and on to a campaign trail.
It begins to rain, so we run for shelter.
Lobbyists assume we’re running for office, and chase us with the money.