Tag: society

The Final Book

636186

The line was curled around the block twice.
People were waiting in line for the book… the last book of the series they’ve been reading over the years.
Anybody who wasn’t in line, well, they’d barricaded themselves in their homes until they could get their own books… or borrow one from someone who had read through their early copy quickly.
They didn’t want any spoilers. They, just as much as the people in line, wanted the experience to be fresh.
What separated the two groups was a willingness to wait in long lines.
Who’s right? Who are the wiser ones?

iPhone

636178

Whenever I feel like I’m falling for the hype of a new electronic device, I look in the cardboard box I keep in the closet.
That’s where I’ve put all the electronic gizmos and gadgets I bought as a result of falling for their hype, ending up with a piece of junk.
So when I look at the iPhone, I think to myself: How soon will it join the other expensive doohickeys in the box.
Then, I read a full-color advertisement for the thing.
There’s a commercial on the television for it, too.
Temptation builds – oh, give me strength, Lord.

Pancakes

636180

The Oracle of Omaha breakfasts at the same diner I go to every day.
There’s always a crowd there because folks are always wanting to ask him for advice.
Me, I’ve never asked him anything.
Why? Because everybody asks the same things over and over.
And nothing about how he’s doing and such. It’s always folks looking to get rich.
So, one day, he gets fed up and tells everyone: “Buy waffles, sell high.”
Weird, huh?
Problem is, the media got hold of this advice, and the entire economy collapsed overnight.
Me, I didn’t fall for it.
I bought pancakes.

Malone

636178

Word on the street is that Malone is back in town.
Malone’s got a file on him.
It’s a big file. Really big.
Takes up a whole building. Twenty cops working around the clock on that file.
The Feds took an interest in Malone a while back, and they wanted a copy of the file.
We laughed. They came down to see what we were laughing at.
When they saw it, they laughed too, and lost interest in Malone really quick.
Chief says we move on Malone tonight.
Good. We need the building.
It’ll make more room for Casey’s file.

Ghostwork

636195

If you have a ghost, my advice to you is to give it a job.
Ghosts can be very useful. And loyal.
A ghost will enjoy walking your dog for you while you’re busy. And they’ll prepare delicious dinner meals while saving you the chore of cleaning up afterwards.
Got landscaping to do? I’ve got one word for you: ghost. There is nothing more reliable than a ghost with a lawnmower and hedge trimmers.
I, for one, have three of them working for me.
Hold on… maybe I meant to say “Mexicans.”
Or Mexican ghosts.
Still, they do excellent work.

Tequila Joe

597156

Have another Tequila, Joe. You’re going to need it.
First off, your wife’s fine. So are your kids.
Nothing’s happened to your car, either. Or your house.
And you haven’t been fired from your job.
In fact, everything’s fine.
Now about your football: it’s in a safe place.
Yeah, we all know how much you loved that football. Every chance you get, you tell us how you threw seven touchdowns and ran in three more with that football.
And we’d like you to shut up about it.
You’ll get it back eventually, but for now – give it a rest, okay?

Missing Milk

694176

Someone stole a milk carton out of my refrigerator.
So, I glued a photo of it to a bunch of children in the neighborhood.
There was a caption, too:
HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MILK CARTON?
It took nine months and two million dollars, but I eventually tracked down my milk carton.
There was no milk left in it when the detectives found it.
Whether its captor had consumed the milk or they had tossed it out because the milk had gone bad, we’ll never know.
But, really, thank God it’s home.
I think I’ll make a boat out of it.

Calendar

639785

Every morning in the lobby of my building, there’s always the same crazy man wandering around, asking what day it is.
Sure, I could tell him, but instead of that, I hand him a cheap, giveaway pocket calendar.
I don’t remember where I got this one, but I don’t need it, so I’m giving it to the crazy man.
“Here you go,” I said. “Now you can look up what day it is whenever you want.”
He looks at it, flips through the pages, and scowls.
“Does it say what day it is?” he asks.
He’s right. It doesn’t.
Weird.

Piano Man

645428

I was sitting at a San Francisco sidewalk cafe, minding my own business, when a large herd of grand pianos slowly rolled along the street.
“Did they fall out of a truck?” the waiter asked.
“I don’t know, but I don’t think so,” I said. “They’re all going uphill.”
The pianos, paying no attention to our comments, continued their slow, rumbling roll up the hill and out of sight.
“Hey, maybe we should tell someone?” said the waiter. “They might cause an accident or something.”
“You’re right,” I said, pulling out a cell phone. “They completely ran that red light.”

Leland Clay

699504

Leland Clay?
That’s a name that brings back memories.
He was the town’s banker, a decent enough fellow. Always dressed nice. Not too nice – just nice enough.
You know, Leland would leave candy out so the kids would come in to put money in their passbook accounts for college.
Leland vanished one day. So did all the bank’s money.
He turned up in the Bahamas – had himself a nice place there.
Not too nice – just nice enough.
We burned it to the ground with him inside it, and the investigators got the rest of the money back.
Want some candy?