“Diner lingo” is a code that waitresses use to call in orders to the kitchen.
The Waffle House has their own lingo for how to prepare hash browns.
For instance, “smothered” means to add onions, while “covered” means to add cheese.
Get your hash browns fancy enough, and your order starts to sound like a chapter out of a Mickey Spillane pulp detective novel.
Once, I slipped in “taken out back and beaten with a lead pipe” and the chef went missing for a week.
His body turned up in the river, while I’m still waiting for my goddamned coffee.
Tag: crime
Aborted
Lawmakers in Ohio just passed a law that requires women seeking abortions to see a sonogram of their fetus before they can get an abortion.
And in Florida, they make them climb a 25 foot rope. Without using their feet, too.
Just to outdo them both, Texas is pondering a rule that requires written permission from the fetus himself or herself.
Somehow, in all this madness, California decided to open the gates and legalize everything.
First, Second, Third Trimester? All’s legal!
Which, if you consider how awful most Californians are, it makes you wish they’d done that a lot sooner.
The Counselors
After the bomb went off, they rescued as many as they could from the rubble.
The doctors and surgeons did the best they could. But it wasn’t enough.
That’s when the counselors took over.
Repeat after me:
I am not a victim.
I am not a casualty.
I am not a statistic.
I will live on.
Remember these sixteen words.
And only these words.
They will get you through this.
And then the counselors went through the survivors.
The next day, they’d picked out the ones who were fading, and they harvested their organs.
You will live on.
In them.
Salt
My family makes the best pretzels in the world.
The secret is in how to add the salt. We have a patent on it.
However, a famous patent troll threatened to sue us because he had a general patent on how to salt pretzels.
“I have to preserve my rights,” he claimed. And he offered to license his patent to us.
So, we offered him a tour of our facility.
Five hours later, he was stuffed into a wooden barrel full of shit.
“That’ll preserve you well enough,” I told the barrel.
And we lost it deep in the warehouse.
Clone Crime
The problem with a clone of a person murdering the original is that you’ll find only one set of fingerprints and one set of DNA markers.
So, a murder will get flagged a suicide by the automatic systems, or it will get placed in the hard cases queue.
The investigators in that queue are really good at their jobs. As if they were born to do the job.
But they weren’t born to do it.
They were grown. In tanks.
And every so often, one goes astray, and kills another.
The rest circle the wagons quickly.
Call it a suicide.
The Angels
Michelangelo said that he saw the angel in the marble, and carved until he was set free.
As for the basement of hookers that he’d brutally stabbed and eviscerated, well, Michelangelo claimed that he’d seen angels in them, but when he carved each of them up, he’d realized his mistake.
At first, the Pope wanted to have Michelangelo arrested and tried for murder, but instead, he asked Michelangelo if he heard any angels coming from his political rivals.
Sure enough, he did.
So, the Pope had the bodies quietly removed, and let the homicidal artist continue on with Papal patronage.
JJE
Ever hear the phrase “judge, jury, and executioner?”
Well, in Tangle Creek, Alaska, that’s their justice system.
If Old JJ Barleyfield catches you committing a crime in Tangle Creek, your ass is toast.
But then, there’s not much crime in that old mining town… Fred’s the only resident there these days.
Well, was.
Fred must have caught himself committing a crime, because the mail delivery service found him dead the other day.
The paperwork he left behind was just scribbles that nobody could understand.
At first, the state coroner ruled it Suicide, but he scratched that out and wrote Justice.
The Valley Of The Brave
When it is time for a boy to become a man, the tribe gives him a knife and sends him into The Valley Of The Brave.
He has to break into a soda machine and pull out as many quarters as he can fill his pockets with.
Most boys try to use the knife to jimmy the lock on a machine, but locks these days are too good for that.
No, you gotta find the owner of the machine and put that knife on his throat. Get his keys. Open the lock.
Oh, and get me a Pepsi, too.
Cold.
Smuggle
I like to shoplift.
No, I’m not poor. I can afford this stuff easily.
I shoplift for sport. For the thrill. For the challenge.
The problem is, it takes bigger and tougher challenges to get that same thrill.
Once, I’d be on cloud nine after smuggling a candy bar or a nudie magazine out of a convenience store.
Now, I’ve got that shoplifting jones on my back five seconds after I pull the three Weber charcoal grills out of my pants.
It’s not grand theft auto if I smuggle a car out of the dealership in my pants, is it?
Billy Billy
Billy’s last name is Billy.
Call him Billy Billy.
But don’t be surprised if he tells you that you have his name backwards.
“Yllib Yllib?” you ask.
He likes that joke. But don’t push it.
We don’t want to freak Billy out, because he knows where his father buried all the money.
We tried to beat the answer out of his father. Didn’t work.
Then we threatened to beat Billy with him watching.
That almost worked. Except that when we asked Billy where the money was, he knew.
We’ll dig up the money.
And bury Billy with his daddy there.