You know how in the movies, some guy gets in a cab, the cab driver says “Where to?” and the guy says “Just drive!” and the cab driver says “It’s your dime, pal.” and he pulls out into traffic and drives around?
Well, that happens to me all the time.
Every time.
For twenty years, I’ve driven a cab, and all I ever do is drive it in circles.
I offer to take people to bars or restaurants or hotels.
But all I ever get is “Just drive!”
I’m going to “just drive” right off of a bridge one day!
Tag: silly
Froggy
Froggy went a courtin’, he did ride.
Sword and pistol by his side.
He was also a little drunk.
Okay, very drunk. Drunk as a skunk.
Except that the skunk he ended up courtin’ wasn’t drunk.
She was sober, and uninterested in Froggy.
Froggy wouldn’t take no for an answer.
So, the skunk sprayed him right in his gigantic bulbous eyes.
Froggy spun in circles, screaming bloody murder. We laughed.
We weren’t laughing when he pulled the pistol and began shooting wildly.
Killed three.
And really impressed the skunk.
(Later, Froggy sobered up, saw his bride, the skunk, and ran.)
The Shoe Tree
My parents resisted the temptation to give sarcastic answers to my stupid questions, but they caved in every so often.
“They grow on trees,” my mother said, exhausted from my asking where shoes come from for the tenth time that morning. “In fact, the tree on the corner is a shoe tree.”
She pointed to the plum bush.
“Why don’t I see shoes on it?” I asked.
“They grow at night,” said my dad. “Neighbors steal them.”
I spent a week camped out on the lawn, trying to stand guard over the shoe tree.
I got a case of pneumonia.
What a beautiful day!
Wally practically danced into the room, soaking wet and smiling as wide at his dripping hat.
“What a beautiful day!” he sang, gritting his teeth madly.
Down in the basement, Clem the Maintenance Supervisor watched in shock as the Sarcasm Compensator shook and rattled, glowing slightly red before spitting out a steaming ingot CLANK!
Clem put it on the cart with the other ingots, where they’d wait for the school to pick them up.
Sometimes, he’d pocket a really good ingot and sell it to a kid at a comedy club.
As if they needed any more sarcasm, right?
CLANK!
Arc
Noah sat on a stool and watched the skies darken, rainclouds growing thicker.
All around him, two of every animal stood around, stinking to high heaven and making a terrible racket.
Sadly, not enough to drown out the constant shouts of “YOU FOOL!” from his wife.
He felt something… was that a drop of rain? He held out his hand, wondered if it was raining already.
“So, are you going to load up your ARK now?” sneered his wife.
Noah looked at the gigantic, narrow wooden curve he’d built and sighed.
“I swear, I thought he said arc. Damn homonyms.”
Coin Toss
I had a tough decision to make, but I couldn’t decide.
So, I asked the town’s wise man.
He said: “Arbitrary decisions are best left to arbitrary means.”
I asked him what the hell he was talking about.
“If you can’t decide between two things,” he said. “Toss a coin.”
I thanked him and went outside to toss a coin.
As the coin turned in the air, an eagle swooped down and snatched it from the air.
I went back to the wiseman, eagle perched on a leather glove, feeding it some meat.
“Leave a tip next time,” he said.
The Drunk
Casey slurred his words like a drunk, but the man didn’t drink. He’d suffered a stroke a few years ago and never quite got his speech all the way back.
He wanted to hang out with us at the bar, though, and we figured he’d make a good designated driver, being sober and all.
We drank ourselves blind stinking drunk, and handed Casey the keys.
Fifteen mailboxes and trash cans later, my truck got wrapped around a lightpost.
“I thought you didn’t drink,” I growled at Casey.
“I don’t drink,” he slurred. “Or drive. I don’t have a drivers license.”
Kneecap Rodeo
Yeeeeeeehaw!
It’s Rodeo Time, time to put on our cowboy hats, cowboy boots, and big shiny buckles and thick kneepads-
Kneepads?
Yup. ‘Cause while we countryfolk break horses, the Italians come on down to break kneecaps.
Then Mafiosa with their fedora hats and baseball bats, breaking kneecaps. That ain’t Texas, I reckon.
We cowboys break ’em by blindfoldin and riding them, or denying them food and water for a day before riding.
The Injuns, they ride ’em out to deep water and wear them out.
Then there’s the kneecap whisperer… fell behind in a loan.
Watch out for them Italians!
He Has To Spin
Dr. Harold Weirdland usually ran out of blackboards before he came up with answers, but he bought an iPad and, lo and behold, he came up with answers.
“We age because the world spins!” shouted the mad doctor. “But if we spin in the opposite direction, we’ll stop aging. Maybe get even younger.”
So, the doctor spun.
All day, he’d spin, which made things difficult when it came to eating, drinking, teaching classes, and going to the bathroom.
To spin while sleeping, he combined his bed and a clothes dryer.
He was dizzy, but his diapers were soft and warm.
The Doesn’t Matterhorn
One evening, several costumed cast members from Disney World got hammered at the British pub in Epcot and attempted an ascent of Space Mountain.
They were ill-prepared and barely-equipped for the harsh terrain, and even with the help of catwalks and stairs they still lost 3 of their party.
Well, actually, they just lost their oversized heads. A fourth: Pooh Bear, threw up in his costume, and Ariel the Mermaid got her tail caught in the coaster track.
By the time they reached the summit, Security had nabbed them all.
Too bad. They were going to attempt the Matterhorn next.