Category: My stories

Biggest Fan

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Hundreds of millions of people adore Guitarman’s music, and every one of them claim to be “Guitarman’s Biggest Fan.”
You see, that’s the title track of his number one album: “Guitarman’s Biggest Fan.”
Would they swallow a snake for him? Hell yes.
Would they jump off of cliff for him? Oh, hell yes.
Some of Guitarman’s fans take the title literally and eat themselves into a bodymass competition.
They keep score online, constantly updating their weight.
Wait… Two-Ton Tommy’s gone? Dead?
Heart attack. The funeral’s Sunday.
That puts me in second place, Mom. Second place!
Pass the mashed potatoes.
Please?

Dancester

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They called it Dancester – the place to download dances.
Just put in your credit card, sync up your iMind, and you’re ready to dance like the best dancers do.
Of course, not everyone wants to pay for their dances. That’s when the pirated dances started to appear.
The Lords Of The Dance didn’t like their dances getting ripped off, but Dancester couldn’t do anything to stop it.
So a series of pirated dances commanding dancers to slash their throats appeared on pirate sites.
Nobody could prove anything, but the piracy ended quickly.
The Lords danced for joy at the news.

Perseids

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Perseus, Kentucky was the place to go to watch the Perseid Meteor shower.
In early August, Perseus bans all outdoor lighting to make meteor-viewing easier, but some years the full moon ruins the view.
The city council came up with a plan: launch a rocket during the new moon and shoot artificial comet dust to burn up in the atmosphere for a spectacular show.
It worked brilliantly.
Pretty soon, every community wanted their own meteor shower, more brilliant than the first.
Leave it to those crazy rich Saudis to go overboard.
Allah’s will, they whined.
Who needs an atmosphere, anyway?

Buzzed

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Gene Krantz’s cigarette fell from his lips and bounced off of his console.
“What the fuck did Neil say?” he asked.
“Houston to Eagle, repeat,” said Mission Control.
“I’m King Of The Moon!” said Neil Armstrong. “Bow down to the King Of The Moon!”
“Maybe Buzz slipped him something?” asked a doctor.
The cameras showed the mad astronaut advancing on another with a probe. “I dub thee Sir Aldrin!”
“Back off, Neil!” shouted Buzz Aldrin, scampering back up the ladder.
“Cut the feed,” said Gene. “Thank God for the tape delays. We’ll just go with what we filmed last month.”

AIDS Microwave

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There’s two symptoms of AIDS folks that forget: fear and ignorance.
Early on there was plenty of both.
There were people dying young and leaving behind loved ones, pets, material possessions and crap.
People would ask at garage sales, picking through tennis racquets and microwaves. “Did he die of … that disease?”
When told yes, prices come down. Or nobody will touch them at all.
Take this microwave, for instance. Perfectly good. Top-of-the-line.
Once they know about its former owner, people think they’ll get AIDS from it.
It’s perfectly safe.
Well, okay – maybe an electric shock. It’s not well-grounded.

Soda Bomb

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I’m an idiot.
I bought a case of Coke Zero the other day. You know, something different than the usual iced tea and water and red wine.
So I put a can in the fridge and one in the freezer.
Which did I drink? The one in the fridge.
Later, I needed some more ice, so I opened the freezer and…
Coke Zero everywhere.
I work at a place that has this sign on the break room fridge: “Do not put soda cans in the freezer or they will explode.”
I think I need one of those signs at home.

Ride My See Saw

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Nobody wants to see-saw with little Harvey, so Dr. Odd programmed the teaching assistant robot to see-saw.
Kids love robots. Now every kid wants to see-saw with the robot. But instead of taking turns, they fight.
Fights aren’t healthy, so Dr. Odd reprogrammed the robot to stop see-sawing.
Without the robot, the kids didn’t want to see-saw anymore.
Except for Harvey. Poor Harvey, sitting all alone.
That’s not healthy either. So Dr. Odd reprogrammed him, too.
Harvey’s much happier playing tag and pulling pigtails with the rest of the kids.
How do you feel about that?
Sad? Well, hold still.

Locked

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I’m sure your computer guy sucks, but he’s nothing compared to our computer guy jerk Stan.
Stan once changed everybody’s email passwords, then when people asked what their new passwords were, he emailed them out to everyone.
As much as everyone complained, the company wouldn’t get rid of him. In fact, they gave him a raise and ordered him a company car.
The HR people were thoroughly disgusted, and then he showed up.
“Where’s my car?” asked Stan.
“It’s in your parking space,” the HR people said.
“Cool,” said Stan. “Where are the keys?”
“We locked them inside the car.”

Pillows

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After a while, a pillow soaks up so much sweat that you can’t wash it out.
It’s time to go pillow shopping.
Do you fill it with down? Cotton batting? Memory foam?
Here’s a suggestion: clouds.
I mean, you look up and you see them all over. And they look so soft and fluffy.
Why not clouds?
Go skydiving on a cloudy day and bring a big plastic bag. Then, as you’re falling, scoop the cloud into the bag.
Once you’re on the ground, pour the cloud into a pillowcase and sew it shut.
How comfy. How restful.
Sleep now.

Coffin Shopping

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Oliver patted the lining of the coffin. “It’s very comfortable,” he said.
“Comfortable?” asked Ellen.
“Yes,” said Oliver. “Care to try it out?”
Oliver pushed her into the coffin and slammed the lid shut.
He could just barely hear Ellen’s muffled screaming and hammering on the lid.
Oliver waited for her to quiet down before opening it again.
“It’s also soundproof,” said Oliver.
“Soundproof? Comfortable?” gasped Ellen. “Why would I need those for my father?”
“Wait… you aren’t a smuggler?” asked Oliver.
“No.”
Oliver slammed the lid shut again and called for a pickup.
Damned secretary, marking the appointments wrong.