Category: My stories

AIDS Microwave

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There’s two symptoms of AIDS folks that forget: fear and ignorance.
Early on there was plenty of both.
There were people dying young and leaving behind loved ones, pets, material possessions and crap.
People would ask at garage sales, picking through tennis racquets and microwaves. “Did he die of … that disease?”
When told yes, prices come down. Or nobody will touch them at all.
Take this microwave, for instance. Perfectly good. Top-of-the-line.
Once they know about its former owner, people think they’ll get AIDS from it.
It’s perfectly safe.
Well, okay – maybe an electric shock. It’s not well-grounded.

Soda Bomb

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I’m an idiot.
I bought a case of Coke Zero the other day. You know, something different than the usual iced tea and water and red wine.
So I put a can in the fridge and one in the freezer.
Which did I drink? The one in the fridge.
Later, I needed some more ice, so I opened the freezer and…
Coke Zero everywhere.
I work at a place that has this sign on the break room fridge: “Do not put soda cans in the freezer or they will explode.”
I think I need one of those signs at home.

Ride My See Saw

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Nobody wants to see-saw with little Harvey, so Dr. Odd programmed the teaching assistant robot to see-saw.
Kids love robots. Now every kid wants to see-saw with the robot. But instead of taking turns, they fight.
Fights aren’t healthy, so Dr. Odd reprogrammed the robot to stop see-sawing.
Without the robot, the kids didn’t want to see-saw anymore.
Except for Harvey. Poor Harvey, sitting all alone.
That’s not healthy either. So Dr. Odd reprogrammed him, too.
Harvey’s much happier playing tag and pulling pigtails with the rest of the kids.
How do you feel about that?
Sad? Well, hold still.

Locked

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I’m sure your computer guy sucks, but he’s nothing compared to our computer guy jerk Stan.
Stan once changed everybody’s email passwords, then when people asked what their new passwords were, he emailed them out to everyone.
As much as everyone complained, the company wouldn’t get rid of him. In fact, they gave him a raise and ordered him a company car.
The HR people were thoroughly disgusted, and then he showed up.
“Where’s my car?” asked Stan.
“It’s in your parking space,” the HR people said.
“Cool,” said Stan. “Where are the keys?”
“We locked them inside the car.”

Pillows

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After a while, a pillow soaks up so much sweat that you can’t wash it out.
It’s time to go pillow shopping.
Do you fill it with down? Cotton batting? Memory foam?
Here’s a suggestion: clouds.
I mean, you look up and you see them all over. And they look so soft and fluffy.
Why not clouds?
Go skydiving on a cloudy day and bring a big plastic bag. Then, as you’re falling, scoop the cloud into the bag.
Once you’re on the ground, pour the cloud into a pillowcase and sew it shut.
How comfy. How restful.
Sleep now.

Coffin Shopping

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Oliver patted the lining of the coffin. “It’s very comfortable,” he said.
“Comfortable?” asked Ellen.
“Yes,” said Oliver. “Care to try it out?”
Oliver pushed her into the coffin and slammed the lid shut.
He could just barely hear Ellen’s muffled screaming and hammering on the lid.
Oliver waited for her to quiet down before opening it again.
“It’s also soundproof,” said Oliver.
“Soundproof? Comfortable?” gasped Ellen. “Why would I need those for my father?”
“Wait… you aren’t a smuggler?” asked Oliver.
“No.”
Oliver slammed the lid shut again and called for a pickup.
Damned secretary, marking the appointments wrong.

By The Axe

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Lying under a massive oak, his crushed chest filled with one last gasp of air, Earl remembered what his father told him many years ago.
“Live by the sword, die by the sword,” he said.
“But I don’t use a sword,” said Earl. “I use an axe.”
Earl’s father frowned. “I don’t know how you’ll die,” he said. “Maybe you should switch to a sword?”
“Swords aren’t very good at chopping down trees,” said Earl.
“Then I guess you’ll die by the tree,” said Earl’s father. “Live by the axe, die by the tree.”
“Timber,” whispered Earl, and he died.

The Devil’s Due

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Every day, the Devil puts himself on trial for all of his evil deeds.
The evidence is presented in its entirety, from the dawn of Creation to the moment the judge bangs his gavel.
Witnesses take the stand, present their testimony, and shuffle off to make room for the next victim of The Devil.
The Devil offers no defense, and he throws himself upon the mercy of the court.
Without fail, the jury always quickly finds him innocent.
The Devil scowls, and leaves the court a free man.
“Would they honestly find me guilty, I’d let them leave,” he says.

Boxed Up

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Brad woke up in darkness, a splitting headache his only companion. He rubbed the back of his head and then felt around him…
Straw… wooden floor… wooden walls… a low wooden ceiling… faint light leaking through the slats…
Brad decided he was in a crate.
He listened… ocean waves?
“Hello?” he shouted.
He waited. No response.
Brad kicked at the wooden slats until they splintered.
He peered out from the hole… a sandy beach, with the sun setting over the water.
“Excellent,” he said to no one.
He spent a week on the island, then called for a pickup time.

Shakesphere

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“All the world’s a stage,” said The Immortal Bard.
Little did he know, a thousand years after he said that a team of astronauts and planetary engineers would transform one of Saturn’s moons into an orbiting open-air theater.
Well, open-space theater. Despite several attempts to enclose the moon with an atmosphere, the semi-permeable membrane bubble kept leaking and bursting under the pressure.
The remote-controlled gargantuan robots were tied to neural pickups in the actors brains.
Someone backstage said “MacBeth” and cursed the production. Next thing we knew the planetoid had shattered.
Thank goodness for armored spacesuits and extra oxygen tanks.