Tag: commentary

Not A Dream

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Every time something bad happens to me, I close my eyes and tell myself “This is only a dream.”
The time when gigantic jelly donuts were attacking The Pentagon? Only a dream.
The time when Nancy Pelosi was whipping Newt Gingrich in my bedroom? Only a dream.
The time when Superman froze Lake Superior and dropped it on Idaho? Only a dream.
Standing naked in front of the rest of the school during Final Exam Week?
It’s not a dream. It’s totally real.
I wonder – if I scream loud enough, Superman will hear me and drop Lake Erie on me?

Closing Windows

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Welcome to 2007. It’s so easy to send an instant message halfway across the world, right?
Open a window, type what you feel like saying, and close the window.
Sometimes, it’s a little too easy. You type faster than you can think, and that’s when the trouble begins.
Over and over, I try to say I’m sorry, but the words never come.
Maybe if I open another window?
It just sits there.
It’s so easy, right?
Maybe not.
More messages come in, covering the blank window completely.
Perhaps I should just cut my losses now and go read a book?

Election Day

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Some people want to vote early, but I like the thrill of Election Day itself.
One by one, we approach the booth, make our choices, and step out into the hall.
That’s where the clown smacks us in the face with a pie.
This year, it’s strawberry pies, but in the past it’s been cherry pies, apple pies, cream pies, and pumpkin pies.
I like pumpkin pie the best, so I always vote for pumpkin pie.
Sure, it’s messy, but it’s my favorite and it’s our civic duty to vote.
All those people, voting absentee, getting their pies delivered.
Pathetic!

Treasure

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Some say buried among the stones and markers lies mankind’s greatest treasure.
Not gold, not silver, not precious stones.
It’s something we all seek, sometimes even beg for.
We all have it. It’s within us all, so hard to give, and harder to accept.
And hardest of all, even though it is within us, we find it hardest to give to ourselves.
Time and time again, they come here for it.
Rarely do they find it. It can’t be taken.
It may be too late to beg the dead for forgiveness, but it is never too late to forgive yourself.

Social Networking

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In the past year, I’ve signed up for all sorts of social networking sites.
I started with Myspace, then moved to Facebook, and over to Twitter and Jaiku and Utterz and Tumbler and so on and so forth.
Whenever I update one site, I feel obligated to update all the rest.
It’s not always automatic, so copy paste copy paste for hours a day.
What I don’t understand is with all this social networking, sitting in front of my computer every waking hour networking with other people, when do I have the time to go out and actually be social?

The Same Day

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According to life expectancies, when I was born and my wife was born, we should die at around the same time.
Sure, we have our bad and good habits that add and knock a few years off that number, but pretty much they all balance out.
So, I’m sure it was no surprise to St. Peter when we both showed up at The Pearly Gates side by side.
“I guess you two planned this all along, right?” said St. Peter.
“Hell no,” my wife says, grumbling.
“I didn’t really plan on turning the wrong way down that street,” I said.

State quarters

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It was 1999, and the Delaware state quarters were released into circulation.
The parking meters were confused at the taste.
It was shaped like a quarter, but it tasted… subtly different.
Cherry? Cranberry?
Something like that.
“Is this another one of those stupid dollar coins?” asked a parking meter.
“It doesn’t feel like it,” said another. “It still tastes like a quarter.”
So, the parking meters agreed to treat them like quarters.
With every new state quarter, a new flavor greeted the parking meters.
Maple syrup, lavender, orange… what a wonderful variety they enjoyed.
Until Utah.
That tasted like crap.

Fall again

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It’s Fall again. Sun comes up later, temperature doesn’t get up as high as in the Summer.
If its get warmer, you can always take off a jacket or a sweater.
Or a hat. Lots of heat comes out of your head. Makes sense to have a hat to take off.
If it gets cold, just put the jacket back on. Put the hat back on, too.
Don’t worry about your hair. It’s fine, really.
It’s not quite time for a scarf, but if you want one, sure, go ahead.
Just don’t get it caught in the elevator door again.

One Too Many Words

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One word makes all the difference in the world sometimes.
You can spend hours, even days writing something, trying to capture the moment and get it on the paper or the screen, but you know it’s just not quite right.
It’s missing something. Or, it’s got something in there that just needs snipping off.
That’s the hard part, making a change to something you’ve spent so much time on.
One slip, and the whole piece is ruined, and you have to start over.
You can’t just go back to an earlier draft. It’s just not the same.
Just one word.

Files

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I can’t tell you how many times I was told something would go in my permanent file.
I always wondered where they kept those files. And if they bothered to convert all the old records to computer files when hard drives and computers got cheap.
What do they do with those things when people die? Do they burn the paper records and delete the computer files, or do they burn them to a CD or write them to a tape, stacking all the dead records in a box and putting them in a storage room?
Can this be considered immortality?