Twisted fairy tales for broken people.
206861
First, they wanted me to work a double shift. Lots of drivers are sick and it’s a busy weekend.
More got sick, so after I got back to the garage, they offered a triple. I’d even get to take out one of the new cars if I worked it.
Hush hush.
I took the keys, slid into the most comfortable car seat of my life, and fired up the engine.
I don’t think I’ve gotten so many fares in my life. And the tips have been extraordinary.
They’ll help pay for this car when they pry me out of it.
346198
Master Kwan sat in front of the student, poured the pitcher into his glass, and stopped.
“Is the glass half-empty or half-full, Stinkbug?” asked the teacher.
The student scratched his recently-shaved scalp. “It is full, Master,” he said.
“With what?” asked the teacher.
“It is half-full with water,” said the student. “And half full of air. Half plus half is whole.”
“Drink,” commanded the teacher. “Fill the glass with air.”
The student drank. “Delicious,” he said, smiling.
“It is not water, Stinkbug,” said the teacher. “It is poison.”
“Then it is a delicious poison,” said the student, and he died.
239305
You may have heard somewhere that Abe was born in a log cabin
A competing theory says that Abe was born on a distant planet and was shot here in a rocketship by his loving parents, wishing he’d escape the cataclysm that faced their homeworld.
Our yellow sun’s rays made him powerful, invulnerable, and even gave him the ability to fly.
So, how did John Wilkes Booth shoot Lincoln then?
Why, a Kryptonite bullet, silly.
Of course, rival theories such as these are utterly and totally full of crap, but I like telling the “sewn-together corpses” one to my kids.
310933
War-weary Abraham Lincoln may have proclaimed the last Thursday as Thanksgiving, but he also dictated the special meal to be served to those observing it…
“Tree bark, sour grass, and whatever bugs you can catch!” yelled Abe. “All washed down with muddy, algae-encrusted water!”
Eventually, Abe came to grips with his modest log-cabin upbringing and settled on turkey with all the trimmings.
“But don’t forget the vomit buckets!” screamed Abe. “They’re the second-most essential part, right next to dressing a common streetwalker like an Indian and beating her to death with a fireiron!”
Once again, another regrettable Lincoln childhood memory.
352938
Abdul leaned over the cereal bowl and scowled. “What gives?” he asked.
“Notice how the cereal is shaped like shredded Zionist body parts,” said Mohammed. “And the milk turns red.”
“Nice touch,” said Abdul. “What else?”
“Seventy-two raisins in every bowl!” beamed Abdul. “Just as Allah promised!”
“I thought we got virgins,” said Abdul.
“It’s a mistranslation,” said Mohammed. “It’s really raisins.”
“Fine,” said Abdul. “So, we call them Yasser-O’s?”
“They’re flakes, not circles,” said Mohammed. “Resistance Flakes: A legitimate resistance to hunger for… um… freedom? Independence? Sovereignty?”
“Whatever,” said Abdul. “Add a grenade as a prize and we’re ready.”
280683
Lincoln shuffled his notes. After all his years on the road, he could smell trouble.
Independence Hall reeked of it.
“I have never had a feeling politically that did not spring from the sentiments embodied in the Declaration of Independence,” shouted Lincoln to the crowd. “But now that I’m President, let’s just forget that whole rebellion against tyrants thing, okay?”
When he got back to Washington, Lincoln commissioned a throne made from human skulls.
“Make sure it matches the drapes,” he told the decorator. “Or your skull will join the others.”
Impressive, it was. But not good for the spine.
247448
Good. You’re awake.
I’d like to explain why you’re laid up in the infirmary, Captain.
Ensign Smith is from Far Colony through a rehab assignment. Among other practices, Far Colony’s customs include the pictographic branding of all criminal acts.
Pointing to his mother’s image and saying “Is that what’s waiting for you back home” is a two-fold insult: reminding him of her murder and suggesting lewd acts with his mother.
Well, three-fold if you consider necrophilia, which they actually still consider a serious no-no.
What?
Well, you can still hold the pen in your mouth to sign the transfer order.
273943
Abe’s favorite hobby was breeding racing flies. He worked hard at breeding different bloodlines for sprinting and long distance races.
Every now and then, he’d breed up a super-fly, capable of competing in both the sprints and the marathons.
The fact that he raised them from maggots deep in the flesh of his calves seriously hampered his chances at public office. So, in the end, he gave up his one true love for politics, as many ambitious men do.
Still during the worst battles of the war, Abe secretly snuck out to indulge in his favorite pastime with enemy corpses.
286760
Gerald the Geek was famous for biting the heads off of live chickens. I don’t think there’s a county fair that hasn’t had chicken blood drooled by Gerald on its midway.
One day, those wiseasses from PETA knock on my door, yelling all sorts of crazy demands.
“Let the elephants go free!”
“Stop torturing the horses!”
“Does the Snake Lady have an on-staff, full-time herpetologist?”
Blah blah blah. Damn hippies.
They also wanted Gerald fired. So Gerald did what came natural and bit their heads off.
If he gets out, it won’t be for fifty years.
So, want the job?
298707
During his summers, Abraham Lincoln worked in a circus as a Tic Tac Toe-playing chicken.
“Bawk,” said Abe, pecking at the center square.
“That’s no chicken,” growled the farmer he was playing against. “I think that’s just future president Abraham Lincoln in a chicken suit. I want my nickel back!”
“Cluck,” said Abe.
“Did you say future president?” asked the carnival owner.
“Yes,” said the farmer. “Why?”
The carnival owner hired the farmer on as a Hindu psychic.
Abe was fired, but he kept the chicken suit just in case the whole rail-splitting lawyer and president gig didn’t work out.