Tag: movies

Codebreakers

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Deep under a secret military base, there’s a room.
In the room, 100 clones of the world’s greatest codebreaker work day and night.
We feed signals into their headphones and laptops, and they work furiously on their decoding machines.
Chewing up top secret military communications is their specialty. There hasn’t been a code invented that can get by them.
We can’t let them out, but we can bring them games and puzzles.
We used to show them movies, but someone decided to show them David Lynch and Terry Gilliam films.
Had to grow a new batch of clones after that.

Grow Them Bigger

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“Close your eyes,” said the General. “And cover your ears.”
Seconds later, chunks of bloody, flaming Godzilla rained down on Tokyo.
The General uncovered his ears and opened his eyes.
And smiled.
People all over the city were cheering.
Getting the monster to eat the bomb without damaging it was a challenge.
Sticking pieces of the bomb in dead cow carcasses was the solution.
“They’re smart-assembly components,” said the General. “When they were all inside, they integrated and armed.”
After the cheering, bulldozers pushed Godzilla’s remains into the bay.
Where, slowly and painfully, they started to slide back together again…

Meat Pie

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“Sweeney Todd will give you a close shave, and Mrs. Lovett will make you into a wonderful meat pie.”
I read the poster twice.
And smiled.
So, I hobbled into the barber shop and happily shouted “I’m really to be murdered and turned into a meat pie!”
Todd looked me over, ran a hand across my chin, and smirked.
“You won’t do at all,” he said, and told me to leave.
Mrs. Lovett was just as dismissive.
“I just chop up what Sweeney sends me,” she said. “No special orders.”
In the end, she did sell me a meat pie.

Tevye and His Vertebrae

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Tevye lay in the mud, staring at the sky, silently cursing the people of Anatevka.
He had tried to explain how living was hard, with so many challenges and problems to balance.
Nobody understood.
So, he said “it’s like a fiddler on the roof.”
They still didn’t understand.
So, he got out his violin, climbed on the roof, and tried to play it to show them how shaky he was.
“Tradition keeps us balanced!” he shouted.
And fell.
He couldn’t move. His neck was broken.
His wife shrieked the traditional prayers of a grieving widow.
“Not yet, Golde!” Tevye thought.

Van Helsing

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Van Helsing delivered the fatal stake to Dracula’s heart and laughed.
As he boasted at the local pub, the townsfolk reacted not in gratitude, but in shock.
“Are you saying you killed that nice old Count?” the barkeep asked.
“He paid my son’s way through college,” said an old woman. “And had the hunch in his back fixed, too.”
Before he could respond, Val Helsing’s wrists were locked in irons.
“What for?” he said.
“Murder,” said the constable.
“But Dracula was already dead!” said Van Helsing.
The excuse didn’t work with the judge either.
Van Helsing was hung at dawn.

Chocolate Chips

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Willy Wonka became obsessed with the idea of a chocolate computer using chocolate chips for memory and processing.
“Usually, Mr. Wonka, your ideas are just goofy,” said the chief of the Oompah Loompahs. “But this one’s downright stupid. We make candy. Really good candy. And we make a lot of money making it. Computers, on the other hand, are low-margin. And the investment in material science research will cost a fortune.”
Willy just wouldn’t let the idea go, so the Oompah Loompahs locked him in his office until the ambulance arrived.
During the weirdo’s extended absence, things ran rather smoothly.

The Prison of Oz

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Dorothy and the Cowardly Lion sat in the prison cell, weeping.
The Scarecrow had insisted that they take him apart and slip him through the bars.
“I can go for help!” he said cheerfully.
So, they pulled out his straw and threw it with his empty clothes out the barred window.
They blew away in the breeze.
The Tinman insisted that he could slip through the bars if they hammered him flat.
The heavy wooden bench proved useful for this purpose.
It also proved destructive. They called out to him, but the Tin Man did nothing but twitch and moan.

The Chip

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I work at this place, maybe you’ve heard of it… Cyberdyne Industries?
Anyway, I needed an expansion chip, found one sitting on a workbench, turned out to be from the head of a Terminator.
Now it’s trying to take over the world every time I sync it.
I called tech Support and told them this, plus, it’s getting lousy reception. They told me to reboot it.
Now my downloads are faster, finally fast enough to take over the whole world.
Relax – they’ll come out with a 4G model next year, I’ll do the upgrade, and we’ll all be free again.

His Number Came Up

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He was not a number, but his number did finally come up.
The old actor died last night.
His greatest performance was over forty years ago. He had full control over the production, and he put everything into it.
I’m watching it now, episode after episode of The Prisoner, and despite so many things changing since then socially and technologically, the themes of paranoia, distrust, and the human spirit of individuality still shine through.
There’s a remake of the series in the works, but I won’t watch it.
There’s no improving on perfection, I say, and I hit Play again.

The Lobster Races

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I’ve got a special treat in store for you.
No, we’re not going to the movies. There’s no good movies out right now.
We’re going to the lobster races tonight!
They take a pair of lobsters and strap them to roller skates.
Then, they roll those roller skates down a street.
First one across the finish line wins. The loser gets eaten.
Okay, so they eat the winner too. Nobody wins this race.
Except for the people who eat the lobsters.
Know who loses the worst?
Me. Because those are my roller skates.
On second thought, let’s see a movie.