Tag: commentary

Payback’s a Colossal Bitch

696072

Lady Liberty wanted to weep as she watched the towers burn.
Later that night, she pried loose the Emma Lazarus poem at her feet and read it for the first time.
Disgusted, she tossed it into the harbor.
“Go somewhere else, huddled masses,” she grumbled. “Pollute someone else’s shore.”
After careful thought, she decided to keep the torch and book.
The torch came in handy for seeing threats at night.
The book was great for whomping them.
After a few assaults on passing ships, the government shut the island down for “Security reasons.”
Eventually, she slept, and the tourists returned.

Party Time

722856

First, it was the rope. Damn thing was dry as dust and broke clean in half. We ended up using that bungee cord stuff.
Then there were the crosses. Nails kept falling out of the wood and all we had was sticks.
They wouldn’t burn, either. Wood was wet all the way through, so the kerosene wouldn’t catch.
We did manage to start a fire, though. Some kerosene got splashed Grand Kleagle’s robe at some point, and that bastard is in the burn ward now.
I gotta tell you, it was the worst goddamned lynching party I’ve ever been too.

Go Yankees?

1039305

They had the title of “Teacher” but there really wasn’t any point in teaching these kids.
These were the helplessly retarded: physically functional, but beyond any hope of learning anything.
It didn’t mean they weren’t cute. It just meant they were going to be utterly useless to society, kept like pets instead of living on their own.
The teachers had to dress the kids, putting the Yankees jerseys on them one by one.
The few kids that could think to wave them got pennants.
“Go Yankees!” they slurred.
The teachers smiled. Another generation of Yankees fans, ready for the stands.

Noble Savage, Lend Me Your Grandmothers

597620

Otto knelt among the trees, looking at Mother Nature’s beauty and growling with rage.
In two years, this would be a massive subdivision.
Worst of all, Jim had beaten him out on developing it.
The sound of Whitefeather’s pickup truck arriving jarred Otto out of his rage.
“Got the bones?” asked Otto.
Whitefeather pulled out a burlap sack and tossed it on the ground.
“Excellent,” said Otto. “When they dig these up, they’ll have to stop. Now all we need to do is bury them.”
“We?” Whitefeather tossed a shovel to Otto. “Good luck, Paleface,” he said and drove off.

Make Money Fast!

688373

Babatunde spotted his orphan friend Zaytan sitting in the Lagos sidewalk cafe and decided to join him.
“May your penis be longer, thicker!” smiled Babatunde.
“You do not know me, but pray for me,” replied Zaytan.
They sipped their 100% Percent Guaranteed Herbal Remedies a while, watching the jeeps of oil executives and politicians with large amounts of cash in overseas accounts pass on the street and crash in horrific wrecks.
Babatunde finished his remedy, shook Zaytan’s hand, and made to leave.
“Why you no email me no more?” asked Zaytan.
“I does,” said Babatunde.
“Accursed Spam filters!” growled Zaytan.

The Wormholy Land

628823

The official name of the technology is Geographic Phase Displacement, but it’s marketed as Phasics.
Got a land dispute? Just set up a Phasics engine, set the boundaries of the field, and now both parties can occupy the region at the same time.
The Nobel Prize for Physics went to its inventor, and then three years later the Peace Prize went to resolution of the ancient conflict over the Temple Mount and Haram Al-Sharif.
Phasics engines were spread throughout the territory, and refugees hopefully and joyously poured into the parallel Al-Quds pocket-reality.
Problem solved.
So, why isn’t the terrorism stopping?

Smuggler’s Blues

646062

“When do we eat?” asked Achmed’s family.
“Soon,” said Achmed. “Food is coming.”
A few minutes later, Achmed heard the tell-tale rattling of his teacup on the living room table.
He dragged the table off of the floor and pulled the rug away.
The trapdoor burst open and two dusty masked men crawled up, hauling wooden crates.
“Food?” asked Achmed.
“Better,” said one of the men, pulling a rifle out of a crate and handing it to Achmed. “Weapons! To fight!”
Achmed flipped the safeties and shot them both.
Their ID cards were good for some flour and powdered milk.

Assistant

622702

Mindi’s assistant kept her cell phone charged, datebook up to date, and sales figures ready on the laptop for last-minute client meetings.
She even had Mindi’s special tea blend within reach, not that Mindi was reaching for it.
The latest surgery didn’t go as well as the others, and Mindi was in the third week of her coma.
The doctors were pretty sure it was a coma and not a vegetative state, so any minute now, Mindi would once again be working her magic throughout Manhattan’s brokerages.
Her eyes twitched behind the gauze.
Reflex, the doctors said. Just a reflex.

Fishes and Loaves

722551

You’d think being Jesus Christ’s roommate would be cool, right?
Wrong, man. The guy’s seriously fucked up.
First off, the shit he does with his pet goldfish. He brings his friends over, multiples the thing, and eats all of the fishes alive except one.
Sticks that last one back in the fishbowl for the next time.
Then there’s the toaster. Sticks two slices of bread in the thing, thousands of slices pop out.
Crumbles it all up to feed the birds in the park.
I’d throw him out, but he keeps promising to cure my leprosy.
He never does, though.

9/11

578811

Once the time engine was charged, I went back to the subway platform under the towers and looked for my parents.
They were trapped in the rubble, broken gas lines breathing fire all around, but I worked feverishly to free them.
Too much concrete. Too much metal.
Looking at my bloody hands, I realize I should have brought gloves.
The fire was coming closer, and they told me to leave them.
I held their hands for as long as I could, and I left them photos of their grandchildren before heading back to the engine.
We do this every year.