I swear too much.
I’ve tried everything, but my analyst came up with a great idea: a Swear Jar.
Every time I swear, I put a buck in the jar.
I picked out a really nice jar for it, too.
It’s an antique. Those guys on that television show said it was worth hundreds of dollars.
It was worth fifty more by the end of the week, but the next week, I only added twenty.
Then ten. Then five. Then…
I was cured!
That’s when I dropped the jar, spilling money and pottery shards everywhere.
Okay, fine… so I relapsed.
Tag: silly
Attachments
The IT Department warned us about email attachments, but have you seen what those guys have on their screens all day?
Junk. Porn. Utter garbage.
So, instead of forwarding all these jokes to everyone, we send them to everyone but those geeks.
I get the funniest jokes from people, but every now and then my anti-virus program lets me know something might hurt my computer.
I usually click the OK button, but this time I hit Cancel.
That’s when my printer started up and started printing pancakes.
I called IT and asked for help.
They brought maple syrup and butter.
Share Eclair
Judith and Claire
A curious pair
When told to share
A single eclair
One rose from her chair
The other did stare
“What would be most fair
To share this eclair?”
Said Judith to Claire.
“Cut the thing there?”
“No, Judith,” said Claire.
“If you’d compare
The halves cut from there,
One’s sizeable fare
While this one is spare.”
She pointed with flair.
“Let’s cut the thing there!”
“We can’t cut it there!
That cut is not square.”
Harsh words filled the air.
There was pulling of hair.
Such an awful loud scare.
They never did share.
That single eclair.
Step on it
“Take me to the airport,” said the businessman. “And step on it.”
I looked at the businessman and put my tongs down on my hot dog cart.
“Um, I’m not a cab driver,” I said. “I sell hot dogs. Would you like a hot dog?”
“No,” he said. “I want to go to the airport.”
He handed me a hundred. “And step on it.”
So, I told him to climb on, and I peddled it as fast as I could to the airport.
He made his flight, thank God.
And I sold out of hot dogs at the airport, too!
Advent
I never understood the concept behind the Advent Calendar.
To me, it was just an overpriced fancy package of candy.
Not really much of a calendar, because you shred the numbers to get to the candy, and once you eat the first one… there’s always the second one… and third… and fourth…
Pretty soon, you’re sitting there on the first of the month, face covered in chocolate, and the whole calendar’s been torn to shreds.
There’s supposed to be Bible verses in there, something to do with the shapes of the candy treats?
Whatever. Hand me another calendar.
I’m hungry.
Charity Begins Somewhere Else
Every year, we set up a tent in the middle of the city.
The smell of freshly-roasted turkey, baked stuffing, and sweet potatoes fills the air.
This brings out the homeless, lonely, and poor in droves.
We invite them in and they sit down.
We make them wait for a while.
When they’re good and hungry, we ask them to bow their heads and then we feed them…
Into massive circus cannons.
We launch them everywhere… into the river, out into the dump.
Pretty much anywhere but here.
Good riddance.
Then, we sit down and eat our own Thanksgiving meal.
Uncle Artie
Uncle Artie was a man of the carnival. He traveled the country from coast to coast so many times, and there wasn’t a sucker’s dollar he couldn’t take.
When he died, his body was cremated and the ashes put into one of three urns.
His lawyer shuffled the urns around, and we chose.
Aunt Gladys came up empty.
Shuffle again. My dad thought he had it. Nope.
Unlike those two, Artie taught me all his tricks. I had the winner, and walked away with ten million dollars.
And his ashes.
(Don’t flush them all at once. They’ll clog the drain.)
The Missing Story
I read a bedtime story to Lisa every night.
It’s always a new story. She never wants to hear the same story twice.
She cries when I box up the story books to take to the used bookstore. She wants to keep them all.
Her bookshelf filled up quickly.
And three more I bought her.
The books are in piles from floor to ceiling, filling every closet and room.
I can’t get down the stairs to the basement anymore. It’s also full of books.
So, we switched to eBooks.
I read a story from the Kindle, and she falls asleep.
The Council
The Emergency Council of Hedgehogs was convened under the giant oak tree in the deepest part of the woods.
Panic ran rampant as teddy bears were stumbling around drunkenly after their picnic, grabbing hedgehogs and tossing them around.
It was decided that an emissary would approach the mommies and daddies of the teddy bears, pleading for help.
But instead of putting the teddy bears to bed to sleep off their stupor, the mommies and daddies got drunk and threw the hedgehog emissary around, too.
Angered, the hedgehogs burrowed deep under the giant oak tree and set the woods on fire.
The Angry Birds
I use my iPhone to play Words With Friends, but all my friends have given up on this Scrabble variant for a game called Angry Birds.
Apparently, these birds are angry because a bunch of evil pigs have stolen their eggs, so they attack various structures built by the pigs trying to kill them and take all the eggs back.
I loaded the game and tried to negotiate a settlement between the birds and the pigs.
And then I killed them all.
I smiled, had a huge plate of bacon and eggs for breakfast, and sat on a feather-filled pillow.