Tag: silly

Groceries

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I know, it’s not considered socially acceptable to eat something in the grocery store before you check out and actually buy it.
But there’s some situations where you just have to break from the norm.
I’m not talking about a free sample here and there, okay?
When I see parents let kids stick their grubby hands in the bulk bins or cracking open a soda bottle on a day when it’s not hot, that drives me mad.
And it distracts me from this boiling pot for the lobsters.
Got the butter melted yet, or do you need another cigarette lighter?

Fighting City Hall

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Remember the old saying that you can’t fight City Hall?
Well, those people were wrong.
City Hall cut me off while I was driving to work, so I chased it down and yelled at it when we got to the parking garage.
Harsh words were exchanged, and the next thing I knew City Hall had punched me in the gut.
So, I swung back and we fought for a bit, and I won.
By the time the cops arrived, we sorted out our differences and I drove off.
The next day, someone had keyed my car door.
Motherfucking City Hall!

Contrived

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The police reviewed the tapes from the bank and admitted that the scene looked somewhat contrived.
Robbers were holding sheets of paper in their hands, reading their lines, while the bank teller kept prompting them every time they went off-script.
Their guns looked like toy guns. The orange tips gave them away.
When the bank teller accidentally hit the alarm switch with his knee, he kept saying “I’m sorry about that!” and helped the robbers carry two sacks of cash to the getaway car.
As we questioned him, the bank teller shouted: “I kidnapped the Lindbergh Baby!”
Crazy little twerp.

On the eighth day…

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On the seventh day, God rested.
But on the eighth day, the angels came to God’s office and found the door locked.
There were strange sounds coming from behind the door.
Nothing the angels immediately recognized.
Maybe heavy breathing, or a wet finger stroked along the lip of a wineglass.
They knocked a few times, but the door didn’t open.
And the sounds became louder and stranger.
Some of the angels wanted to break the door down, but in the end, they just walked away.
On the ninth day, there was no door.
The angels walked in circles and screamed.

The Middle Name

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I don’t have a middle name.
I mean, I don’t have one anymore.
I sold it to someone who didn’t have a middle name, found mine interesting, and offered me money for it.
“Why not just change your name?” I asked.
“We don’t do that in my culture,” he said. “There are only so many names available, and we compete for them. If we cannot win one, we buy it.”
He handed me a check.
There was a large number on it.
I agreed and wrote my name on it.
Then scratched out the middle name. It’s not mine anymore.

Knots in my stomach

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I feel knots in my stomach.
So, I swallow a Boy Scout.
He crawls back out.
“I forgot my flashlight,” he says, and crawls back in.
He tries to untie it, but it turns out that his knots badge is a fake.
So, I go down to the docks and swallow a dockworker.
You’d think that a professional who works with knots all day could untie it, but he was stumped.
“I just do boat hitches,” he said, tipping his cap and going back to work.
So, you say you’re a backpacker?
Handy with bungee cord?
Mind taking a look?

Flounce

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It all started with flouncing.
“Gathered or pleated?” asked the forum moderator for The Dressmaker’s Dummy online community portal.
Some dressmakers swore by gathered material, but others insisted that pleated was best.
That’s when the YouTube videos appeared, demonstrating one style’s superiority over the other.
Others used the opportunity to drag out dead horses to beat, deriding materials like suede and burlap, even though they were completely off-topic.
Finally, someone posted “Hitler liked gathered skirts!” and Godwin’s Law was invoked.
Everybody flamed everybody else.
The forum moderator posted a long and dramatic resignation.
I guess it ended with flouncing, too.

Beating

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My stomach is growling.
But I just ate.
I just ate a dog. And the dog is growling.
It’s a small dog, so I could still be hungry.
And if my stomach is growling because I am still hungry, the dog might be growling back at my stomach.
I will beat it with a hammer until it stops growling.
(The dog, not my stomach)
(Although if I beat the dog, I beat my stomach, since it is inside my stomach.)
I should never have eaten the dog.
But I was hungry and my stomach was growling.
Like it is now.

Mirror Mirror

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What?
Yes, my name is Mirror Mirror.
My parents had a sick sense of humor.
The Queen was just plain sick.
When she found out about my skill with poetry, I was dragged to the castle so that I could heap praise upon her beauty.
Well, until that beauty faded.
Then, one day, I caught a glimpse of a beautiful girl walking down the road outside the castle.
“Snow White,” the scullery maid said her name was.
I was left speechless.
The Queen asked me who the fairest of all was.
I answered, and was chained to the dungeon wall.

Butt Dial

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Even though the experiment was a success, Bell and Watson needed to perfect the telephone device before heading to the patent office.
Some of their ideas were improvements on the original concept and others weren’t.
For instance, Watson rigged up a chair to the telephone that would call the other unit when someone sat down.
“Call someone else with your butt?” said Bell. “How brilliant and simple!”
After sitting down to think and calling each other over and over, they decided not to add the feature.
But today, it’s standard with cell phones.
Just put it in your back pocket.