The President watched the news in horror as the plane hit the Empire State Building over and over and over…
His National Security Advisor tried to brief him as he walked to the Press Room, but there wasn’t much known yet, other than the fact that a plane had hit the famous skyscraper.
As he stood there, fielding questions without answers, the identity of the hijacker was released:
It was a turkey.
A reporter stood up. “Didn’t you pardon that turkey this past Thanksgiving?”
The President then recognized the bird and winced.
“I guess he got cooked in the end.”
Tag: war
Burn The Ballots
General Molotov ordered the ballots burned, declaring martial law.
When the people whispered revolution, the state police arrested any they thought capable of that threat.
Even the would-be president, who was put under house arrest.
He looked over the papers, nodded, and asked for supplies necessary to endure his imprisonment.
The general looked over the list, found some items unusual, but had them delivered anyway.
Down in the basement, workmen assembled an engine and a massive pair of legs, and soon enough the house got up and walked into the capitol.
The general’s last words were: “Wipe your feet, please.”
But With A Whimper
So, the world ended yesterday.
After years and years of people saying the end was near, when it finally came, it wasn’t really all so bad.
In fact, if people had known exactly how the world was going to end, I don’t think they’d have freaked out about it so much.
Especially the guys walking around in sandwichboards, waving signs and shouting THE END OF THE WORLD IS NIGH!
When the end came, I saw one of those guys just sitting there and smiling.
So, I joined him, and we watched the world end together.
And the new one begin.
The Great Claw
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The Great Claw wobbles over our ravaged city.
Every now and then, it descends and grabs at a car or a building and yanks it up into the sky.
Invading the world wasn’t enough for the aliens, so they put it up there to torment us.
“The rest of the world is dead,” said the message. “But you’ll keep us amused while we extract the necessary isotopes for our next journey.”
Scientists at the university tried to come up with defenses, but The Great Claw ended those plans.
It rained bricks as the research center was hauled up… and up…
The Arch
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I watched as the Gateway Arch came to life.
It pulled at the anchor pads, legs straining and buckling from the effort.
People were streaming out of the emergency exits as one foot broke free and stamped at them.
A few people got crushed before the Arch pulled up its other leg from the ground.
Free at last, it roamed the city, crushing cars and buildings while news helicopters circled it.
The Arch couldn’t do much to them, being an arch without hands or laser-beam eyes.
So it rampaged on as the generals watched and said “It’s only St. Louis.”
Paradise Packed
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All of the scientists agree: our species has passed the tipping point.
The ecosystems could no longer sustain our presence. Either our species went, or all species.
So, we took samples of everything, extracted the DNA, and packed them all into stasis pods.
Some of them we’ll launch into space as permanent memorials to our world.
Others will stay in orbit, ready to return when our planet had recovered from our mistakes.
We released the retrovirals at dawn, watching the horror spread across the planet from our bunker.
Then, we opened the champagne, toasted Eden, and swallowed the black pills.
The Pipes
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No matter where you dig, you’ll eventually reach The Pipes.
We’re miles from where the City Of Steel used to be.
Before civilization collapsed.
And yet, out here, there are pipes.
There are no markings on them to identify what flowed through them.
Nobody can break them open, either.
Some are warm, and others sweat water when the rains don’t come.
Maybe they were part of an irrigation project?
As long as crops grow here and they don’t come up toxic, we are safe.
Sow the seeds, curse the ancestors for their wickedness, and wait for harvest.
We will survive.
The Grim Arena
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The gladiators draw their rubber chickens, salute the crowd, and begin their battle.
“What’s with the chickens?” asks the emperor.
“Budget cutbacks,” responded his page. “You said you’d rather have swordfish dinners instead of swords.”
The emperor patted his full belly and smiled. “I love swordfish.” And then he frowned. “But grown men whacking each other with rubber toys is boring. Can’t they just fight with their fists? Or tell the guards to toss them their weapons?”
“Budget cutbacks,” said the page. “They barely have enough weapons for their jobs.”
The emperor sighed and watched the pathetic spectacle drag on.
After The War
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The Review Board wants to interview me today.
I go down to the new Town Hall, passing the rubble of the old one.
“Were you in the war?” they ask.
The scars and my withered hand say yes.
“I don’t remember,” I say, just as the Veteran Release Center told me to say.
A doctor scans my brain with a wand.
“He’s clean,” he says. “All memories gone.”
“Innocent,” the Board declares, and my ID is stamped with a black V.
Outside, a woman points at me and screams.
“BUTCHER!”
She is arrested.
Don’t resist. Reprogramming is painless.
(I think.)
Codebreakers
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Deep under a secret military base, there’s a room.
In the room, 100 clones of the world’s greatest codebreaker work day and night.
We feed signals into their headphones and laptops, and they work furiously on their decoding machines.
Chewing up top secret military communications is their specialty. There hasn’t been a code invented that can get by them.
We can’t let them out, but we can bring them games and puzzles.
We used to show them movies, but someone decided to show them David Lynch and Terry Gilliam films.
Had to grow a new batch of clones after that.