Tag: silly

Sushi dealer

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The dealer skillfully floats the cards, gently landing in a pile in front of each of us.
He stands there with arms at rest, waiting for the first bet.
We stare back at him.
He doesn’t blink.
“We ordered sushi,” I said. “What’s with the cards?”
The plastic on the cards is starting to melt into the cooking surface of the table.
We look at each other. Did we go to a Japanese restaurant or a casino?
The cards are a mess.
Somewhere, in Vegas, a sushi chef is waving knives around.
He’ll probably get better tips than our dealer.

Dancing Rocks

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The louder the speakers, the greater the vibration.
Ever had drinks rattle off of the table in a loud bar?
Sound vibrations.
What if the sounds were huge? What could they do?
We built the test facility far out in the desert, miles from everywhere.
The entire floor is a gigantic set of speakers.
Workers pile up boulders on the floor.
The camera system is good, says Control, and we race off to the bunker to perform.
I flip three switches, slowly turn a dial, and the boulders dance on the monitors.
Experiment? What experiment?
This is just for fun.

Schnauzer

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I have a giant Schnauzer.
That’s giant with a small G. Not a big G.
He’s not a Giant Schnauzer breed. He’s a giant Schnauzer.
One hundred feet tall.
He’s still growing, too. He’s been growing ever since I got him as a puppy.
What do I feed him? Just the usual dog food.
Lots of it. The manufacturer gives me the stuff for free.
They get to put my Schnauzer on the bag and in the commercials.
He doesn’t know any tricks. Or know his name.
So I gave up, and I just call him Schnauzer.
My giant Schnauzer.

The Salad Races

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We both order club salads and watch the lady behind the counter pull out two metal bowls.
The race is on.
She grabs twice the usual amount of ingredients each time, dividing them between the bowls.
Lettuce, chopped ham, eggs…
It was neck and neck until it was time for the dressing.
“One scoop or two?”
We both said one. Two would slow us down.
She mixes things up, scraping the bowls loudly with the salad tongs.
Bowls are poured into plastic clamshells.
And I get the first.
Victory!
I celebrate with a lap around the restaurant and leave.

Apartment Circus

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I couldn’t stand to see the carnival rust in the junkyard, so I bought it.
How you fit all that into a two bedroom apartment in Manhattan, well, that’s my secret.
Kids line up at my door, and I sell tickets to the rides, the midway games, and the various tent acts.
At first, the Condo Association protested, but now they’re all in the show: the fat lady in 5H, the super’s a sword swallower, and 16A tells fortunes.
It’s a good crowd tonight.
I adjust my nose, check my floppy shoes, and lead the clowns into the center ring.

Piano Bar

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The kids were hungry, so I said “Let’s go to McDonalds.”
They screamed “No!”
Sounds weird, right? Kids not wanting to go to McDonalds?
Well, it makes a lot more sense when I mention: our McDonalds has a piano bar.
Three hours later, the kids are asleep in the ball pit and I’m blasted out of my mind as all the soccermoms and single dads are singing whatever the guy on the bench is playing.
A guy in a Grimmace costume asks me if I need a cab.
“Just a light,” I say, cigarette in hand.
The kids scream louder.

The Silver Star

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When I was a child, my sister and I had to do our chores.
Each chore meant we got to lick a star and stick it to the calendar for that day.
Red ones were little chores, like doing the dishes.
Blue ones meant more, like vacuuming or walking the dog.
Silver stars were for mowing the lawn.
At the end of the week, add up the stars and get an allowance.
I went to the crafts store and bought a box of silver stars, filling the calendar with them.
The stars added up to me getting spanked and grounded.

The Beavers

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Hey, be careful when you go inside.
It’s dark in the house.
The power was cut off a week ago.
Sure, we pay our bills, but the electric company has yet to fix the fucking lines.
Beavers chewed down the poles. Then they dragged them off to the river to build a dam.
It’s a big river. They needed a lot of wood.
Power poles, telephone poles – the beavers took it all, leaving us in the dark and without phones.
Nice and quiet now. So we go down to the river in the evening and watch the beavers build.

Shutterbug

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A while back, I had to go to a place and shoot pictures of an awards ceremony.
When I got there, I realized I had forgotten to bring any film.
I walked around, pretending to snap photos, but all I was doing was pressing the shutter.
No film, no photos.
So when the ceremony was over, the organizer tapped me on the shoulder and said “I guess there won’t be any pictures.”
I held up my camera. “I took a lot of photos,” I said. “Just gotta develop the film.”
The organizer reached over and took off the lens cap.

The Chicken Password

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Ever forgotten a very important password?
I once forgot the password to a secure system that didn’t have a way to recover the password.
It was so secure, the software author couldn’t even get into the system once it had a password added to it.
In the end, I had to go to a hypnotist to get them to dig around my mind to find the password.
They snapped their fingers, and I thought I was a chicken.
“Bawk!” I screeched, and I flapped crazily around the room.
The hypnotist typed in “Bawk!” and the system booted right up.