A Frito Pie is a bowl of Frito chips covered in chili, cheese, sour cream, and other Mexican food condiments. You eat it with a fork like you’d eat a casserole.
If you pour that stuff into a bag of Fritos, it’s called a Walking Taco or a Taco-On-The-Run.
Close your eyes. Imagine a Taco walking around or running on its own.
If you saw a taco doing that, would you let it pass, or would you chase it down and try to eat it?
Eat too many Frito Pies, and you may have nightmares of the things chasing you.
Tag: horror
The Y
Unlike the Catholic Church, we here at the Y act quickly when we discover an employee behaving in a disgusting manner with a child or doing something inappropriate, like collecting child pornography.
It doesn’t happen very often, because we have a screening process and keep our staff under observation. Nobody is ever left alone with a child.
Plus, when one is caught, we don’t sweep them under the rug like the Church does.
We bury them under the baseball field.
By the way, the pitcher’s mound is getting a bit high. Better dig it up and quicklime the corpses again.
Melt Away
The moment Joe stepped into the shower, he felt like all his troubles were melting away.
And from the puddle of bloody goo the police found clogging the drain of Joe’s tub, it appeared that Joe melted along with them.
How this happened, the coroner never quite figured out.
They looked over everything… the half-empty bottle of tequila, his prescriptions…
“It says DO NOT TAKE WITH ALCOHOL,” said the coroner. “But that just causes liver damage, not this.”
The Army was interested for a while and did some experiments on prisoners, but all it did was get them really drunk.
Cords
I have no sympathy for people who forget their laptop power cords.
I plan ahead, so I’ve got a spare cord at work, and one at home.
Plus, there’s one in my laptop bag, so I’m never without a power cord for my laptop.
Then, there’s the four cords I keep in this van.
Those are the ones I tied you up with after you whined about forgetting your power cord.
Scream all you want. It has soundproofed walls.
Sure, I could strangle you with the power cord in my laptop bag, but I prefer to use my bare hands.
Camp 60
Everything that can go wrong with a moon shelter has gone wrong with Camp 60.
Air leaks.
Radiation shielding.
Communications issues.
You name it, Camp 60 has it, and no matter how much we go over that place with a fine-toothed comb, it isn’t long before we get a distress signal from the radio guy… or lose signal entirely.
It doesn’t make sense.
We used the same tools, same blueprints, same construction materials, and it’s got the same geology as the other camps.
So, we made it our jail.
Play nice, recruits, or you’ll spend a night in Camp 60.
Blood Money Hostage
The kidnapper wanted to send a unique ransom note, so he sliced the message into the stomach of his hostage and pressed a sheet of paper against it.
He pulled the sheet off and…
Damn it. The words were backwards.
So, he flipped her over, and tried again on her back.
He still got a few letters reversed.
The third time, he tried to use her ass, but she was thrashing around a lot, making it hard to get a clean transfer.
Dipping a quill in the blood, he wrote the note by hand.
And she bled to death.
Oops.
Vulge
All you could ever hope to learn is contained beneath the robes of Professor Vulge of Crimson University.
Vulge’s shroud, opaque veil, black gloves and socks are legendary.
Not even Vulge’s grad students, who call themselves minions, remember ever seeing Vulge… or hearing him.
Vulge just listens, and either points to the next student to present, or…
Oh, that dreaded, deadly gesture to the door!
Failure! Rejection!
It isn’t a semester without news of one… two… sometimes all of Vulge’s students hurling themselves to their deaths!
The administration is aware of this.
And made tuition payable in advance, and non-refundable.
Switched
Every so often, you hear about a “Switched At Birth” story in the news where two couples get each other’s babies by mistake.
Usually that gets cleared up with DNA testing, or an out-of-court settlement with the hospital.
However, there was one instance I heard of where a baby was accidentally switched with a janitor’s mop.
The happy couple was a bit concerned that their bundle of joy didn’t cry or eat, but they appreciated being able to sleep through the night without interruption.
The janitor filed a grievance with management because the baby didn’t clean floors all that well.
The Slaughter
The Bugs set off a blanket of electromagnetic pulses over the planet, wiping out our technological infrastructure overnight.
It didn’t take long for them to slaughter billions.
The survivors were rounded up for hunting and experiments.
And then… the Bugs figured out one of our languages.
The hunting and experiments stopped.
They obsessed over books and the surviving recorded material.
“Wow, we sure fucked up,” said a Bug representative. “We’re really, really sorry about that whole invasion thing.”
They cleaned up what they could, built some nice habitats, and left.
Sure, I still have nightmares.
But it’s peaceful now, right?
Deli
When I was little, I was impressed with the variety of meats and cheeses behind the glass at the deli counter in the grocery store.
My mother would make her selections and the attendant would heave up huge chubs to the slicer, where they’d slide across the whirling blade, leaving a stack of whatever to be weighed and wrapped.
Now, pretty much everything is pre-sliced and packaged for sale, but now and then I insist on going to the counter in the hopes they’ll accidentally hack their hand off.
Because nobody ever posts videos of that happening at the factory.