The Book Of Isaiah says there is no rest for the wicked.
But I know of a rest stop for the wicked.
It’s in Ohio, along the Turnpike. Just outside of Akron.
All kinds of wickedness happens there.
Children disobey their parents. And eat dessert before dinner, if they eat their dinner at all.
And I know a writer who goes there in the summer to dangle participles and split infinitives.
After Labor Day, we dress in our finest whites and parade around the dog-walking lawn shamelessly.
Not that people walk their dogs there. They poop all over!
Truly wicked!
Tag: quote
Chance
Saturday night at the Last Chance Saloon.
Two brothers sat at the bar.
“It’s Friday, Slim,” one said. “You planning on leaving town again?”
“Yup,” said the other, and he finished his beer. “Wanna come with?”
“Can’t. Sheriff says the cliche doesn’t work if Slim and None leave town.”
The bartender put down three beers, setting one down for himself.
“Papa Fat and Momma Not A Fucking Chance sure picked some strange names for y’all,” he said.
“I still don’t understand why they call me Junior,” said Slim.
All three nodded, drank their beers, and waited for the noon stage.
In The Beginning
In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth, and then he called an insurance company to get a quote.
They hovered over the waters of the formless empty earth, came up with a figure within God’s budget, and they signed the policy.
Afterwards, when God separated night from day, land from water, and made all kinds of other things, He didn’t bother to update the policy.
That’s why he was so pissed about the apple and the Garden of Eden, although He did eventually manage to collect on His son’s life insurance policy.
Jesus took half, of course.
Cruella
I remember reading a book called 101 Dalmatians, but it was a total fabrication.
What? Fiction?
No, a fabrication.
The book.
The Disney animations.
That live-action movie with Glenn Close?
Oh, sure Cruella de Vil was a crazy and evil bitch who had a thing for wearing fur, but kidnapping and stealing the animals?
Crazy? Yes.
Evil? Totally.
Stupid? Hell no.
She bought puppies from breeders, and then ran her own breeding program at her home.
The dog meat she sold to Chinese restaurants.
And then she wrote the book with that outlandish story to cover up the sick truth.
Heart Of Rust
Before the Wizard vanished into the sky, he told Tin Man that a heart is not judged by how much you love, but by how much you are loved by others.
So, as Scarecrow ruled Emerald City, Tin Man sent the city’s soldiers from door to door, surveying the townsfolk on how much they loved him.
Over time, he expanded the surveys to all the lands of Oz, and the results sank from a grateful love to a weary negative.
“WHY?” shouted Tin Man.
He called for one final census.
“Because of all these annoying surveys!” was the overwhelming response.
The Ghost
Mr. White’s always shouting “Great Caesar’s Ghost!” about stuff, but one day a bald dude wearing a bloody toga and laurel wreath appeared in his office.
He said something in what I figured was Latin, and even though I took a year of it in High School, I was totally hopeless with it.
“CALL A FUCKING PRIEST!” shouted Mr. White, cowering behind his desk. “WE NEED AN EXORCISM!”
Caesar held up a pizza box with a cartoony version of himself
He frowned, said “You think I look like this?” and then vanished.
Mr. White switched our company account to Domino’s.
Closing and Opening
Once, when I was young and foolish, I heard slamming noises coming from a church.
I walked in to see the bizarre sight of a priest running around, closing doors and windows.
And whenever the priest closed a door, a window opened.
Then, when the priest closed a window, a door opened.
He kept at this for a while until he fell down to the floor, panting.
“Whenever God closes a door, he opens a window?” I asked the priest.
“Yes,” he said. “But does he pay the heating bill in Winter or the cooling bill in Summer? Hell no!”
Lickable
Wonka stopped the tour and pointed to a wall with bright strips depicting fruits and vines.
“It’s lickable wallpaper,” he said. “Go ahead. Try it.”
So, the kids and adults stepped to the wall and licked it.
The cherries tasted like cherries.
The strawberries tasted like strawberries.
The snozzberries tasted like snozzberries.
And the blueberries tasted like… blood?
“I guess they got Violet down to the juicing room,” said Wonka.
Charlie waved his arms wildly, stuck to the wall by his tongue.
“Dith wum tafff diffgufftih!” he shouted.
“Oh, that’s flypaper,” said Wonka. “Lemme give you a hand, dear boy…”
The Velveteen Robot
Tony is a robot, an experiment in artificial intelligence and learning.
Joe goes down to the lab and reads books to the robot.
The robot listens quietly.
Once, after reading The Velveteen Rabbit, the robot asks if it could ever be alive.
Joe doesn’t know how to answer.
“I am the Velveteen Robot,” says Tony.
Joe shrugs, and brings in velvet for the robot to wrap in.
Tony bends its pair of antenna, wraps them like rabbit ears, sews on cotton for a tail.
Then it tries to hop, jars a power cable loose, and falls over with a thud.
For The Soul
A friend told me to read “Chicken Soup For The Soul” so I went to the bookstore.
There were so many other books about chicken soup for various souls.
Shelves and shelves of books.
I don’t have time to read them all.
I was intimidated by all the different books, so I left the bookstore and went to the grocery store.
I reached for Campbell’s Chicken Soup, but then I saw Chicken And Stars, Chicken And Rice, Chunky Chicken And Noodle, a store generic…
Shelves and shelves of soup.
Wait… hold on…
Oh, I forgot: I’m allergic to chicken soup.