Tag: silly

Wyvern

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Every week, the townspeople bring meat to my cave.
Sacrifices to the dragon, they say. Keep him from burning our village, like in ancient times.
I laugh.
I am no fire-breathing dragon.
I’m a wyvern.
I don’t breathe fire. Sure, my tail has a deadly sting, but it’s not like fire.
I wear the long-deceased dragon’s snout as a mask. The townsfolk feed me at night. That helps with the disguise.
When a champion comes uphill to slay the dragon, taking off the mask
gives me a few moments of surprise.
Enter sting, exit champion.
The freshest meat of all.

Store

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In the middle of the afternoon storm, a man came into my store wanting cigarettes.
“This is a smoke-free town,” I said. “We don’t have cigarettes.”
So, he asked for some beef jerky.
“Meat-free town too. We’re all vegetarians.”
“Beer?”
“No alcohol at all,” I said. “We’re a dry county.”
Everything he asked for, we’d given up or made illegal.
“Is there anything for sale here?” he asked.
I was about to answer him, but by then the sheriff had arrived.
The silent alarm under the counter worked beautifully.
The man left, grumbling angrily.
The sheriff arrested him for swearing.

Alphabet Soup

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My daughter loves it when I make her alphabet soup.
But every now and then, she complains that a letter is backwards or upside-down.
“Just turn the damn bowl,” I say. “It all tastes the same.”
No, she won’t. She will stare at it and whine loudly.
“There is nothing wrong with this soup,” I say, and I eat a spoon of it. “See?”
She still won’t eat it.
I offer to make her a different soup, but she wants alphabet soup.
I blindfold her and slide the bowl in front of her.
Shut up and eat it, or starve!

Invulnerable

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Lord Bragdor’s armor stands in the Hall Of Heroes, as shiny as the day he was speared through the face in a jousting tournament.
“It was enchanted with an invulnerability spell,” said the Hall’s custodian, The Blue Wizard. “But, his visor was loose and his opponent very lucky.”
“Wouldn’t the lance have been knocked aside by the spell?” asked his apprentice Morstrawl.
“If the invulnerability had been meant for Lord Bragdor, yes,” said Blue. “But due to my misreading the spellbook, it was the armor that was invulnerable.”
The apprentice nodded, realizing why he had never had to polish it.

Silenced

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Behold, the Great Magician Mysterio!
“With a snap of my fingers, you are silenced,” said the man in the bright red cloak.
And he did. He took off a red glove and held his hand in front of my nose.
Snap
“Go ahead,” he said. “Say something.”
I didn’t know what to say, so I said: “Elephant.”
“Did you say something?” he mocked. “I didn’t hear a thing.”
He danced around me, snapping his fingers in my face. And then, he stopped.
He snapped his fingers a few times, and then right by his ear.
“I am deaf!” he shouted.

Volcano

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The tribal chief was perplexed by the crop failures and dwindling animal stocks.
“The only thing we have that’s worth anything is the volcano,” he said.
“Hey, let’s try sacrificing things in it,” I suggested.
Everybody agreed.
We started to sacrifice virgins in the volcano, but it turned out that the moment a virgin was selected, she’d bang the chief’s son.
So, we changed to animal sacrifices. Those, the chief’s son would steal from the offering pen to make a feast for all his girlfriends.
In the end, we sacrificed the chief’s son.
Kicking and screamed all the way down.

Foil

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Happy birthday, Oliver. Here’s your present.
What?
Oh, I never buy gift wrapping paper.
Instead, I use tinfoil.
It’s bright and shiny. And it’s actually cheaper than wrapping paper when you think about it.
Especially if you give out small presents and not all that often.
Instead of having wrapping paper for every occasional and holiday, the tinfoil serves all purposes.
Plus, when they unwrap their presents, they can wrap food in it and put it in the freezer.
Let’s see you try to do that with wrapping paper.
What? You did?
No wonder why these steaks are badly freezer-burned.

Demolition Derby

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Hey, man!
Bored with football?
Tired of all these baseball players juicin up?
Hockey not bloody enough for you?
Lemme tell you about a new sport: communication satellite demolition derby!
All it takes is override commands, some maneuvering propellant, and a decent grasp of orbital physics.
There’s nothing quite like watching two expensive chunks of metal surrounded by gigantic solar arrays smashing into each other, leaving tiny sparkling fragments to cloud the the skies for all eternity.
Call your friends. Point your telescopes to the sky. Place your bets.
Then put on your crash helmets and watch the aerial carnage!

Frozen Barbie

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My little sister was so weird.
One day, she stripped all of her Barbie dolls naked and wrapped them in aluminum foil.
“What are you doing that for?” our mom asked.
“Cryogenics,” she said, sticking the dolls in the freezer. “We’ll wake them up in the year 3000.”
Late that night, I took out the Barbie dolls and wrapped up some corn cobs in the foil.
The next day, she checked up on her time capsules and screamed.
That night for dinner, we had roasted chicken and steamed corn on the cob.
Sis put hers in a dress and cried.

Racks

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How did I wind up in the hospital?
It’s simple. I got my wine rack and gun rack mixed up again.
Going deer hunting with Merlot isn’t so bad. Merlot goes nicely with venison.
However, trying to open a loaded rifle with a corkscrew is not a good thing.
The doctors say they can save most of the fingers on my left hand.
This will seriously curtail my hunting for a while, but at least they sell automatic corkscrews.
I just need to make sure I’m opening bottles of wine with it instead of trying to open the rifle again.