Gayball

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Brokeback Mountain may noit be the best picture, but instead of gay cowboys how about gay footballers? Andrew Ian Dodge is on the case…

The gay row continues in English professional football. An Arsenal player, Ashley Cole, is now sueing the News of the World over the allegations. The funny thing, of course, is that no one was named in the original article. One does have to wonder whether this was a clever idea or not. A smart mobile phone company could rush out a new phone with a really intense vibrate. Call it footballer’s friend or something. We all know that some people want to have anything associated with pro footie. The FA should use this as a marketing tool. Brokeball Pitch anyone?

Because it’s hard out there to be a pimp?

It’s hard to be a pimp

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Sure, it’s hard these days to be a pimp, but not in the ways you’d think.
PETA keeps protesting my fur hats. Also, the fur hubcaps on my pimpmobile.
Ever since I pimped my ride, it gets lousy gas mileage. Gas ain’t cheap these days.
Every John wants to pay with PayPal. Or credit cards. My pimproll is just a bunch of receipts.
See these gold teeth? Do you know what it takes to keep them clean? Colgate doesn’t exactly make Grill Paste, you know.
On top of all this, I bet iTunes delists this pimpcast.
Shoulda been a doctor.

The Wacky Adventures Of Abraham Lincoln 54

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Lincoln and Abner Doubleday mixed like oil and water.
“I invented baseball!” shouted the Commander in Chief at the brigadier general as he pinned stars on his epaulets.
“It was I!” shouted Doubleday back at Lincoln. “You told the men to just swing a stick around. I told them to swing it at a leather ball.”
“Fine,” said Lincoln.
Two years later, Lincoln penned his Gettysburg Address on the back of an envelope.
“Did that bastard Doubleday survive?” he asked.
“Yes, Mister President,” said an assistant.
‘Damnation and hellfire!” shouted Lincoln. “What will it take to rid me of Abner?”

Band

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Andrew Ian Dodge thinks about his band Growing Old Disgracefully…

As my band takes its trip from nothing to fame…; there have been some milestones. Our first song together, our first trip to the studio, the completion of our first EP and our first gig. A few days ago we hit another milestone, one that is far more modern. We have gotten word that Apple iTunes has accepted our EP to post on their service. We went the solely digital route for this first EP… CD-Baby only having introduced such an option a month before we sent them our debut. Cry Freedom now on iTunes. A nice phrase that innit?

Fish Tale

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I design the costumes for a big movie studio’s theme park.
When a movie comes out, I turn the characters into live-action performers, walking around and posing for photos.
Pirates, cats, dogs, mice… I’ve made them all.
Ever since I heard a fish movie was in the works, I lost sleep.
How do you dress like a fish?
I finally came up with an idea: the performer’s head is in a fish-shaped mask. His body is a pedestal, holding up the fishbowl his head is in.
The guy put it on. It worked.
Until he filled the bowl with water.

Arby’s lies?

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So I’m watching television and this commercial comes on for Arby’s. It’s got Hulk Hogan’s voice, but some kind of pipsqueak as a body double.
Anyway, the commercial is for their chicken sandwiches, and the big thing they’re hyping is the fact that they are now 100% real chicken.
Well, if it’s 100% real chicken now, what the fuck was it made out of before? Beavers? Particle board? Yarn wrapped around tungsten ingots? WHAT????
Instead of selling me on their new product, they have me questioning their other products.
Is it real cheddar in the beef and cheddar?
We’ll see.

Uncvil Nonservants

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Andrew Ian Dodge rails on civil servants doing anything but serving the public…

Men & woman rage these days about politicians and how useless they are. This is the wrong target; it should be bureaucrats. For it is they that make life a misery for all. You can’t vote the buggers out either. Now I know American & British civil servants are far less bad than even other Western civil servants but that is no excuse. Give the people what they need; make civil servants do their bleeding job. Get them to work hours that are convenient for their customers, the taxpayers, not themselves. Now that’s a policy in which I can believe!

I figure the solution is to give civil service jobs to immigrants. Then when they reach retirement age, dump them back home. That way you don’t build up patronage or spoils.

Autochef

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Do you like to eat? I do, and there’s nothing quite like the joy of having an Autochef.
Self-cleaning.
Adaptive hypermenu technologies.
Self-sharpening knives.
Automated inventory control and ingredients ordering.
What’s not to like? I’ve had mine for a month, and it’s been absolutely amazing. I eat like a king, and yet thanks to Portion Control and the Dietary Module, I haven’t gained a pound.
It’s not perfect, though. The other night, some joker put a “Kiss The Chef” apron on the Autochef. I was drunk enough to do it, and they had to restart my heart after the shock.

Hamsa Junior

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Andrew Ian Dodge looks at Abu Hamsa Al-Masri’s kid:

Its seems Dr Hook’s kid, an ex-con, is a bleeding rapper. He’s got “lots of anger”. This hate-filled little oik is “doing it large” all over London and claims to be big in the M.E.. Would it surprise anyone to hear that Hook Jr. is living off the British taxpayers while he sings the praises of those who will kill them? No doubt there are wiggas at his gigs with no clue that he is rapping about his Islamist brothers killing them some day. Its good to see that Hamza Jr is taking up the family business of spreading hate.

Yeah, I’m sure he’ll team up with Houston’s Arabic Assassin.

Trevor

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Andrew Ian Dodge takes a look at a racism-industry?

Is the racism establishment in the UK finally waking up to the true threat of Islamism and the drive to turn the UK into a full Sharia state? Sir Trevor Philips is a leading-light in the so-called “racism industry” in the UK and more often is seen bashing companies for their so-called “institutional racism”. He is a bit like Jesse Jackson in the US; but does not do the Rainbow Coalition shakedown of companies. He actually said “Muslims who want sharia law ‘should leave,'” in the Guardian of all places. Wonder what the right-on types of that paper will think.