I heard a scream through the wall.
My apartment neighbors are fighting again.
I put on my headphones.
As loud as the music is, I still hear the screams.
Should I go over there to see what they’re doing?
Nah.
Instead, I call the pizzeria down the street and order a pizza for them.
Yeah, this won’t help the situation at all.
Good.
The sooner they kill each other, the quicker I can get my friend to move in next door.
It’s a thousand bucks for a referral.
Maybe I shouldn’t do this…
I call again.
Ten pizzas.
That’ll work!
Tag: food
Chili
Jenny thought that God would save her from Jimmy, but the harder she prayed for a miracle, the worse Jimmy beat her.
So, one day, she put rat poison in the chili she cooked for dinner.
Jimmy came home from work, and without saying hello or anything, began to eat.
Jenny watched him, waiting for Jimmy to clutch his throat and die.
“Quit starin at me,” said Jimmy, and he took a knife and stabbed her with it.
Up in Heaven, Jenny asked God what the fuck happened.
“I did send a miracle,” said God. “I neutralized the rat poison.”
Drag The Kids Around
It’s Halloween again.
There are only two houses on our street: ours and the Smiths.
When Halloween rolls around, the Smiths knock on our door for candy, and then we knock on their door.
No one else comes into our street to trick-or-treat. It’s just us.
We don’t even get out real candy. It’s play candy from some kind of preschool playset that we pass back and forth.
The kids don’t mind. They don’t like candy. Or much of anything, because they’re dead.
We dig them up to drag them around.
At least their pretty costumes will always fit them
Kit Cat
I was watching a candy bar commercial on TV and there was a website address.
I looked up the site, and it asked what country I’m in.
America.
And it showed me the candy bar commercial.
I reloaded the page, but this time, I told it I was in England.
Same graphics, but this time they listed different flavors.
Mint… Orange… Caramel…
“Why don’t we have those?” I said.
“Can’t you just buy caramel at the store for dipping?” said my roommate.
“They think we’re simple,” I grumbled. “Stupid. Ignorant.”
We sat in silence as the TV blared more nonsense.
The Incredible Steak
“How would you like your steak?” asked the waitress.
I wasn’t paying too much attention to her. Or anything. It had been a hard day.
So, my boyfriend said “He’d like his steak fabulous.”
Fabulous?
How do you make a steak fabulous?
The waitress brought out a blindfold, and she bound it around my head.
Then, I heard a plate set down on the table. The clink of a fork and knife.
And the steak smelled… incredible.
“I said fabulous, not incredible!” my boyfriend snapped. “Take it back!”
“Incredible’s fine,” I said, taking off the blindfold.
The plate was empty.
Breadcrumbs
Hansel and Gretel’s parents couldn’t afford to feed them, so they took the kids deep into the woods to abandon them.
However, the kids left a trail of breadcrumbs, and they followed it back to their home.
“Where did you get that bread?” shouted their parents. “We’re starving, and you waste bread like that?”
I stopped my mother and said “Don’t they use pebbles first? And shouldn’t the birds eat the breadcrumbs?”
My mother put the book down. “Fine, Little Mister Know-It-All. The birds ate the breadcrumbs. Then they caught and ate the birds. The end.”
My stomach rumbled painfully.
Good Soup
As much as I love the finer things in life, there’s nothing I love more than a simple store-brand can of vegetable soup with a cup of rice for dinner.
No, I won’t pass up a good sushi dinner, or wave away a steak if you’re offering, but there’s just no beating soup and rice on a lazy evening.
Just dump the rice in the rice cooker, add water, and then push a button. An hour later, microwave the soup in a bowl and dump in the rice.
Oh, and don’t forget to call a cab for the two hookers.
Crawdads
THIS IS THE 4,000TH EPISODE OF THIS PODCAST
I love crawdads.
Back in college, Ellen taught me how to eat crawdads, and I’ve been eating buckets of them ever since.
Nardo the cat loved the crawdad smell on my fingers, so I’d set aside a few tails to bring home to him.
He’d meow and beg and snap at the bits of crawdad I offered him.
“No more,” I’d say, and he’d lick my fingers for awhile.
This is my first crawdad season without him. And our two black cats don’t like crawdads.
I ate the entire bucket myself.
Except one, left atop the pile of empty shells.
Never Go Back
For years, I went to a place called Cabo.
I loved the fish tacos and frozen margaritas there.
They opened up a few other locations, and the original location closed, so I’d get my fix Downtown.
Last year, they closed.
No more fish tacos and margaritas.
Then, while I was walking home from a cat show, I saw that the place had reopened as Pepper Jack’s.
I went inside and ordered their fish tacos.
They didn’t have those.
Instead, I had a special burrito.
It was good, but not good enough.
I won’t go back.
You can never go back.
Drinker
I like to drink coffee with milk and Bailey’s in it.
But I’m out of Bailey’s.
So, I went to the liquor store for Bailey’s.
That’s when I realized I drank the last of the milk that morning.
I got back in the car, to pick up a fresh gallon of milk.
If only I had picked up more coffee… I was out of that, too.
After another grocery run, I had the Bailey’s, coffee, and milk.
I put a filter in the machine, poured in water, and hit the ON button.
Nothing.
I took my Bailey’s bottle to Starbucks.