Tag: silly

Sleepy Time

636183

It’s sleepy time, but I don’t want to go to sleep.
I want to think about strange things all night long and write them down.
Really strange things.
Like, did you know that you can’t hide behind Swiss cheese?
People looking for you can see right through it because Swiss cheese has holes.
And people can see through holes. Right through them.
You can hide behind Cheddar cheese just fine, but not Swiss cheese.
Cheddar cheese doesn’t have holes. But Swiss cheese does.
If you put holes in Cheddar cheese, does it become Swiss cheese?
Maybe.
I’ll sleep on it.

The Miracle

636188

The Temple was theirs again.
After much celebrating and giving thanks, it was discovered that there was only enough sacred oil to light the lamps for 1 day.
Somehow, that oil ended up lasting eight days.
Yeah, that’s the Hanukkah Miracle.
Ever tried using an oil lamp instead of candles or electric lights?
If you haven’t, well, it’s a steep learning curve.
Getting those wicks soaked just right, and then finding the right level of oil… sheesh!
Wanna know what the real Hanukkah Miracle is?
Lighting the damn things and keeping them lit all night long.
Now that’s a miracle!

The City So Nice, They Named It Four Times

636188

Loud guitars and tickertape greet our hero, back from a moon mission.
Or is he a baseball player that set some record?
Nobody knows anymore.
Motorcade stops at City Hall, everybody piles out.
More cheering, more guitars, more tickertape.
The mayor hands him the key to the city, photos get snapped, and he’s back to the airport in an hour.
Perfect.
That’s what we do here – we’re The Other New York.
New York got so busy, they built this place to keep all the parades from tying up traffic, losing business.
Time to sweep the tickertape.
Gotta recycle, you know.

Flying To Peru

636186

I can’t remember if it’s starve a cold or feed a fever, but I’m quite sure that neither is cured by flying to Peru.
“Are you sure about this?” I asked my doctor.
“What, you want to get a second opinion?” he said.
Sure enough, the other doctor looked me over and said “Fly to Peru.”
So here I am, flying to Peru.
Not sure what I’m supposed to do when I get there, but when two doctors agree on something, you’re supposed to do it.
My insurance plan agreed, but they’re not flying me first class.
Damn cheap HMO’s.

Walking

636179

The cost of shoes has skyrocketed.
Shoes used to be inexpensive, but they’re become expensive because of greedy speculators and shoe industry executives.
People are being urged to conserve their shoes, but they keep buying socks that wear shoes out quickly, or they insist on walking when they should be driving.
Or riding a bicycle, but bicycles aren’t exactly cheap these days, either. And our infrastructure just isn’t ready for them.
“We’re a walking economy,” says the President. “So we need to reduce our dependency on foreign sources of shoes.”
Lots of talk, but we never truly walk the walk.

Election Day

636184

Some people want to vote early, but I like the thrill of Election Day itself.
One by one, we approach the booth, make our choices, and step out into the hall.
That’s where the clown smacks us in the face with a pie.
This year, it’s strawberry pies, but in the past it’s been cherry pies, apple pies, cream pies, and pumpkin pies.
I like pumpkin pie the best, so I always vote for pumpkin pie.
Sure, it’s messy, but it’s my favorite and it’s our civic duty to vote.
All those people, voting absentee, getting their pies delivered.
Pathetic!

Pumpkin Carving

636187

Okay, a true story:
I couldn’t decide how to carve my Halloween pumpkin, so I just left the knife stuck in the side of the pumpkin and put it up on the shelf.
It sat there for a day, two days… but I just couldn’t come up with any ideas on how to carve it.
I got really frustrated at that, hit my fist on the table, and it jostled the pumpkin so it rolled off the shelf and dropped to the floor.
As it fell past me, the knife slashed against my arm.
That’s right. The pumpkin carved me.

State quarters

705776

It was 1999, and the Delaware state quarters were released into circulation.
The parking meters were confused at the taste.
It was shaped like a quarter, but it tasted… subtly different.
Cherry? Cranberry?
Something like that.
“Is this another one of those stupid dollar coins?” asked a parking meter.
“It doesn’t feel like it,” said another. “It still tastes like a quarter.”
So, the parking meters agreed to treat them like quarters.
With every new state quarter, a new flavor greeted the parking meters.
Maple syrup, lavender, orange… what a wonderful variety they enjoyed.
Until Utah.
That tasted like crap.

Counting Sheep

1616562

Oh, sure, you think those sheep you count to get to sleep are sweet and innocent, but I know better.
It’s a conspiracy. The counting sheep want to take over the world.
I was only pretending to sleep the other night when the sheep came by for me to count. I closed my eyes and made snoring sounds, so the sheep felt comfortable letting their guard down.
They used my bedroom as a staging area for their campaign of global domination, preparing signs that said “Eat Less Mutton” and “If You Eat Us, How Can Perverts Have Sex With Us?”

Tree Crime

636182

I wanted to arrest that Maple Tree. I really did.
Instead, we took it Downtown for questioning.
Trees aren’t so tough when you get them away from other trees.
Still, it’s hard to pick a tree out of a lineup.
We hadn’t gotten to that point yet, though. The tree’s lawyer showed up, asks if his client has been charged with anything.
No, we say, but we just want a few questions answered.
Lawyer says the interview is over, we can’t charge him with anything, so it’s back to the forest.
I really hate the legal system sometimes, you know?