Category: My stories

Murder Offer

628661

Usually, door hangers offer pizza or Chinese. Two bucks off, free delivery, fifteen dollars minimum order. That kind of thing.
This wasn’t one of those. It was an offer for discount murders.
They quoted rates for various circumstances. Like security considerations. Chronic health problems. Or they’re pregnant – that kind of thing.
I dialed the number and got another dial tone.
Two minutes later, my phone rings.
“Who needs killing?” asks a voice.
“My neighbor’s dog keeps barking late at night,” I joked.
A week later, I got a bloody collar and the bill.
Funny. I don’t sleep any better.

Leroy

582418

Leroy had a habit of shouting when he was angry. Glass-shattering loud.
Okay, so it’s not as much a habit as a reaction to stuff that angered him, but he yelled so loud, I swear you could hear it a mile away.
We took measurements, compared notes, and triangulated with satellite maps on Google. The distance you could hear Leroy shout was determined to be one Leroy.
If you were two Leroys away, you’d be twice the distance from Leroy as you could hear him shout.
But he could still pick up a phone, call you, and shout that way.

Green Monster

693836

The Yankees versus the Red Sox. What a classic matchup.
The big green monster was messing with left fielders tonight, too.
What? No… no, they were playing in Yankee stadium, not Fenway.
Oh, I’m talking about an actual big green monster. It was from outer space or some science lab.
Thing showed up, dropped over the fence, and started messing with the left fielder.
Cops tried to shoo it towards the dugout, but it messed with the cops, too.
Nobody messes with New York cops. They shot the crap out of it.
I think it’s in the hot dogs.
Mustard?

Piggy Wings

575814

Smith smiled and put his research paper on the pile.
“So, you grew a flying pig,” said Zambosio. “Good work, Smith.”
Smith opened the paper and pointed to a chart. “Actually, it’s just growing wings on pigs.”
“So they can’t fly?” asked Zambosio.
“No,” said Smith.
“Still,” said Zambosio, “growing a pair of wings on a pig still takes a lot of effort.”
“Actually, it’s just one wing per pig,” said Smith.
Zambosio took off his glasses. “What good is just one wing on a pig?”
“They’re quite delicious,” said Smith.
“At least pigs are tamer than buffalo,” said Zambosio.

Fisherman

503246

Cursing, Stavros pulled in the line and ran his fingers along the end.
As usual, it was a clean break.
The bottom of the lake was littered with Stavros’ hooks and various lengths of fishing line.
There were also some government-issue four-door sedans down there.
Every so often, another car would arrive. The driver would then get out, look around, take off his sunglasses, and ask lots of questions.
“Drunk drivers,” said Stavros, and nothing else.
Either they left or they didn’t.
Stavros tied another hook, baited it with a bloody chunk of civil servant flesh, and tossed it in.

Breakfast for breakfast

436791

Ethan loved strawberry pancakes.
But he never got up in time to make breakfast during the week. He’d just chug a glass of juice before running out the door.
But on the weekends, he’d take the time to mix the batter, toss in sliced strawberries, and make himself the pancakes he so dearly loved.
One day, he poured out the batter into the pan and didn’t see any strawberries in it.
He shrugged and tossed in more strawberry.
They sank into the batter, never to be seen again.
That’s when Ethan decided he liked shredded wheat cereal better.
Without strawberries.

The Wacky Adventures Of Abraham Lincoln 59

484438

Abe read the reports of the Sioux Uprising and grimaced.
“All of this was over some eggs in a nest?” said Lincoln. “Presposterous!”
“And whiskey,” said an aide.
“Well, whiskey’s worth fighting over,” said Lincoln. “Say didn’t we have a deal with the Dakota?”
“We did,” said the aide. “But we don’t now.”
Lincoln nodded. “I suppose we can’t just sue them over this uprising, fighting, raping, and murdering stuff,” he said. “We’re a tad busy with the South.”
“Sue the Sioux?” asked the aide. “That sounds awfully silly.”
“You’re right,” said Lincoln, giggling. “We’d better just kill them all.”

Elevator To Heaven

479579

People ask me the secret of the Elevator To Heaven.
The secret is that it is no secret. Actually, you’ve probably been in it.
How? Well, nearly every elevator is an Elevator To Heaven.
Look, just step in the elevator and wait for the doors to close.
Then, touch the 8 button.
Push it in hard and rotate it a quarter-turn.
Then release the button.
See? You’ve got an infinity symbol now.
Just wait a minute, and the doors will open to Heaven’s Lobby.
Just be sure to stub out your cigarette. God hates smoke.
That’s why He made Hell.

Par Of Dice

489767

“God does not play dice with the universe,” said the old professor, “He plays dice with the Franelli Brothers in the alley.”
Joe, Luigi, God, and Tony were huddled around a pile of money, some beer bottles, a pizza box, and a pair of dice.
God picked them up. “Baby needs a new crown of thorns,” he muttered, and threw.
“Why do you let bad things happen to good people?” I asked.
“Because they don’t pay up,” said Joe.
Luigi laughed and looked at God. “Is we forgiven?”
“Yeah, yeah,” said God. “Pass the bones, Jack. I’m feeling lucky tonight!”

Struck Noon

566124

Every day at twelve, the clock struck Noon and the town went mad.
Fights and burnings – you name it. If there’s something wrong that a soul can do, when that clock strikes Noon it happens.
They tried to burn the clock tower down, but stone doesn’t burn. No door at its base, either, nor could they climb up it.
They tried ladders. As they reached the top, it was Noon, and they smashed the ladders to toothpicks.
Pits dug to undermine it or blast it up never got deep enough. Sledgehammers broke on the stone.
It’s almost Noon.
Listen closely.