Ministry of Murder

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As man reached space, so did the ministries.
It wasn’t on any cargo manifest, but along with the food and vacuum-tents were a collection of religions in the minds of every passenger.
Once the missionaries decided that Oothoulo had souls, they felt obligated to save them. So they taught the creatures all about Jesus, miracles, The Crucifixion, and The Resurrection.
A popped squeak here, a missed burble there – and the colonists woke up to a billion crucified Oothoulo.
And, no, they didn’t come back three days later. They just smelled worse.
What a shame. I heard they tasted great.

Shamrock

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Just as Valentine’s Day has become one gigantic commercial for flower merchants, candy makers, and greeting card printers, I fear that St. Patrick’s Day has become nothing more than a Guinness commercial.
Whatever happened to St. Patrick’s miracle of driving all of the snakes off of the island of Ireland?
To commemorate the true miracle of St. Patrick, we’ve farm-raised several thousand snakes and we will release them in Ireland on March 16th. Then the next day, the Irish can drive these snakes out.
Maybe when we get a corporate sponsor, we can afford to stockpile a supply of antivenin.

Retort

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Andrew Ian Dodge responds to Jim S. The Folderman’s earlier taunt…

Alas, I think Jim makes a valid point. Course it ain’t that unusual; this problem. I often hear, via my music biz sources, that something neat is coming along the pike; only to find the local record store completely unaware of the release. Quite often there is quite a time lag between when something is supposed to be released and shows up so you can buy it. iTunes has the EP; but it can take up to 2 months to get it into the system. Doncha just love the “digital age” and the internet? Oh, iTunes aren’t the slowest either.

Cry Freedom

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Jim S. engages in a little trash-talk with another of the 100 Word Stories authors…

So, as I often do, I’m listening to 100 Word Stories and lo-and-behold, Andrew Ian Dodge, he of the “takeover the internet by being on as many sites and podcasts as humanly possible as long as we’re constrained to 24 hours” philosphy announces that “Cry Freedom” is available on iTunes.
So, working only a few blocks from home, I race home to check it out…. *sigh* no “Cry Freedom” on iTunes. *sigh* no Growing Old Disgracefully at all. Hmm… perhaps it’s a conspiracy to prevent 100 word story-ers from writing and recording a review.
Yup, that’s probably it. A conspiracy!

Jury of my peers

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Technically, it doesn’t violate the Fifth Amendment, since it’s not really me up there on the stand. It’s only the holographic projection of a self-aware virtual copy.
It’s nothing more than a recording, the courts decided a year ago, so careless fools like me end up facing our shimmering dopplegangers when we get caught.
All I did was run a red light, and I’m getting a fine and points off my license.
The self-aware copy up there, on the other hand, gets a sentence of death.
Serves the damn traitor right for not sticking up for me… I mean himself.

Froggie

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The Telegraph reports today that a new French channel CII, that is state-funded, is going to be mostly in English. It seems that even the French have realised that more people in the world speak English than French. How about the language of diplomacy then? As the article points out there are only 35,000 official French words while there at least 350,000 words in the OED. This move is a clear sign that France has lost its influence in the world and what a wonderful thing that is to witness. What me gloat about the Froggies’s demise? Nah, not me!

Cartoon Goons

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Andrew Ian Dodge follows up on the anti-cartoon, anti-free speech protestors in London…

Mirable Dictu! Police have arrested 5 of the worst poster bearers from last month’s anti-Danish Mohammed Cartoons protest. They are looking at 22 more they think might have broken the law. They try to toss the BNP leader in jail for dodgy things he said on a secret tape taken in stich-up by the BBC, yet it takes them this long to arrest people who are calling for mass murder out in the open. Those who actually support freedom are mustering for a rally in Trafalgar Square a week on Saturday the 25th. Its time to stand up for freedom.

Education

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Andrew Ian Dodge takes a look at education…

The excitement is palpable here in the Westminster Village (ok so I am in Westminster’s red light district) because its looks as if the PM is going to get his schools bill through with the help of the Tories even thought he has a majority of over 60. It seems the traditional knuckle-dragger contingent of his Labour Party don’t like the concept of parental choice and power. But then again, one of their own John Prescott, Deputy PM said and I quote: “if we have good schools parents will want to send their children there.” Socialist sometimes completely befuddle me…

Llama

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I’ve read this three times and listened three times three times. Can you explain this one by Jim S. the Folderman to me?

The crime of unnatural acts of perversion was no laughing matter. In fact, it was a very serious accusation and I had no idea how I was going to spin this in my client’s favor.
It would take a minor miracle to convince anyone that he had even meant well, much less that he was innocent. However, since it was my duty and I was now forced to make a speech in front of the space station’s inhabitants, I’d do the best I could.
Now, if I could just get the llama out of the briefing room, I’d get started.

They changed the stars

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Josie watched in horror as the stars moved around in the night sky.
They swirled and whirled around for a few seconds before spreading back out again.
Up there, for all to see, was a message:
“DEAR FRED,
YOU SUCK.
SIGNED,
MISSY.”
The stars stayed like that for a minute, then they swirled and whirled around again until they returned to their original positions in the heavens.
Josie’s phone rang. She almost missed the call.
“Did you see that?” asked Sheldon.
“Yes,” said Josie. “I wonder if Fred saw it.”
“Who’s Fred?” asked Sheldon.
“I dunno,” said Josie. “Ask Missy.”