Go fuck yourself

Ted was always telling Alice to go fuck herself.
So, she went ahead and did it.
She pulled off Ted’s head, put hers on Ted’s body, and fucked herself.
Right before she came, she realized that she wasn’t on the pill, and she hadn’t put on a condom, either.
She panicked, pulled out, and made a sticky mess on herself. Still, it felt great.
Ted had a condom in his wallet, so she cleaned up, put it on, and fucked herself again.
The second time was even better. And the third. And the fourth. And…
Ted’s head watched it all.

Too Perfect

Trinity is a seven.
Sevens are better than humans, the ads say.
But they said that about sixes and fours.
Nobody said that about fives. Fives were… well… fives were fives.
Anybody who had a five could tell you that.
Anybody not in a wheelchair. Or with half their face ripped off.
So, the sixes had to be good. And the sevens even better.
Trinity is better than human.
She adjusts to everything I do. Everything I need. Or want.
And then, I caught her with Jake.
Another seven.
“I deserve better than human, too,” Trinity said.
Just too perfect.

The Stranger

The bride and groom asked me to deliver the toast.
I wasn’t the best man. I wasn’t the maid of honor.
I was just someone they once knew, that once knew them, or thought I knew them. Or myself.
Now, I wear robes and a hood.
Nobody has seen my face for years. Not even me.
I bathe in the dark, and I am shaved and groomed by a blind barber.
I don’t even remember the color of my eyes. My hair.
A stranger to myself and all.
I held the glass in the air.
And dropped it.
It shattered.

Sun in your eye

My friend got married in an outdoor chapel this weekend.
Everyone was worried about the weather. Would it be too hot? Would it rain?
It turned out to be a nice sunny day.
The problem was, the seats faced West, and it was an evening ceremony. So by the time the bride and groom were exchanging rings, everybody was staring right into the fucking sun.
When the preacher asked if there were any objections, I stood up and filibustered the ceremony until the sun was down and we all could see.
The families were pissed, but the photographer thanked me.

Steam Clean

It’s been over seventeen years since I showered with her, but I still remember every moment, every wet touch. Her nipples in my fingers, her tongue on my mouth, her hands around my back.
“When I was with you, I never came,” she told me years later. “But some things are better than that.”
She’d had trouble sleeping one night, and half-awake, we ground on each other for an hour on the sofa until we both fell asleep together.
But it wasn’t enough for her.
She dumped me, quit her job, and moved away.
I had the sofa professionally steam-cleaned.

Hot Mess

I can’t believe he’s marrying her.
She’s such a hot mess. Total psycho.
What is he thinking?
And he’s got kids, too, right?
She can’t handle herself. How is she going to handle being a stepmother?
I wouldn’t trust my kids with her.
Why is he doing this?
Maybe it’s the “I don’t care if the chick I fuck will get my kids killed” gene?
Or “I’m a shitty father” gene.
He has it, passed it on to the kids, and it’ll get weeded out by natural selection.
Maybe we’ll get them a family burial plot as a wedding gift.

Otis Ford

I warned my daughter never to date a guy named Otis.
“You’ll see his name in every elevator. If it doesn’t work out, it’ll drive you crazy.”
“Oh Daddy,” she said. “Don’t worry about me.”
Not only did she not heed my warning, but her Otis had a last name of Ford.
Otis Ford.
Every Otis elevator…
Every Ford vehicle…
She was a goddamned mess all the time.
She wound up having to flee to some backwards country without elevators or cars.
I send her letters, but she doesn’t answer them.
I’ll just let her be. Time heals everything, right?

For The Sea Gods

I spent the whole night on the beach with her.
Sat next to her and watched the tide come in.
She begged for me to dig her out of the sand, but there’s no way I’d do that.
So, I gagged her before she started screaming.
As each wave rolled in closer, she went from scared to angry to what I swear was forgiveness.
Like all the others.
Sometimes, I dig them out after they get a wave or two against their face.
But not this one. This one belongs to the Sea Gods.
“Yes,” they demand.
And I comply.

Put Behind Me

It took me a few years, but I finally put my ex-wife behind me.
No, not just the lawyers and paperwork and financial stuff. Or the emotional stuff.
I literally put her behind me. A microsecond behind me in the space-time continuum. And as long as she is out of phase with the universe, she’s out of my life.
This also solves the joint-custody problem with the kids. She can see them any time she wants, even if they’re just echoes of themselves.
Her lawyers say this is unreasonable. So I sent them back to the age of the dinosaurs.


I sipped my coffee and read the gossip pages:
Mindy broke up with Max.
Marty broke up with Mary.
Melissa broke up with Mark.
Madison broke up with Milton.
Sure enough, everyone’s name began with an M. And they all broke up.
I looked at yesterday’s gossip pages.
Sure enough, everybody’s name began with L.
I couldn’t look up the gossip pages from the day before. Those were already recycled.
Will everyone in the gossip pages tomorrow have a name that begins with N?
What happens when we get to Z?
“Nate,” said Nancy. “We need to talk.”
Tomorrow, dear.