Pray For A Bicycle

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When Tommy was little, he wanted a bicycle.
His parents couldn’t afford one, though.
So he prayed for it.
He’d dream of that bicycle every night, but it was never there when he woke up.
The kid across the street had one. A nice, shiny red bicycle. With a thumb-bell, too!
Tommy was jealous, and he wished that kid would die so he could get it in a garage sale.
Sure enough, the kid was out riding the bike and a dump truck hit him, killing him dead.
Sadly, the bike was crushed.
He bought the thumb-bell for 25 cents.

Ass Cheek Split

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Tonight, it’s my night in the ER, and we’ve got a rabbi with a bowling pin up his ass.
It’s the first time I’ve ever seen one in the emergency room.
“Have you ever seen one of these?” I asked a nurse.
“No,” she said. “I think it’s a first. I’ll add it to the book.”
Five minutes later, she says I have a call.
“Who told the media?” I asked.
“It’s not the media,” said the nurse. “It’s the bowling alley. They want the shoes back.”
“What about the pin?” I asked.
“Would you want that back?” she said.

Weekly Challenge #52 – Cats (First Anniversary)

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Welcome to the Fifty-second Weekly Challenge, where I post a topic and then challenge you to come up with a 100 word story based on that topic.
The topic this week was selected by Tom of the Footnote Podcast, and it’s Cats.
Eight stories were submitted this week. Only single digits. Sad face!
No rookies are in the mix… boo!
The excellent theme music is by Guy David
And, once again, some disturbing madness from the one we all knew and loved as Planet Z.
Go ahead and listen to them by clicking on the grammophone thingy there in the left column and then vote for your favorites (multiple selections are allowed):

Which was the best of Weekly Challenge 52?
Planet Z
Tom from Footnote Podcast
Laieanna of HodgePodge Point
Sister Mary Edith
Rahel from Elms In The Yard
Terrence from Never Was
To4m from Stuffcast
Ted from Ted’s Podcast
Patti the SmittyGal
  
Free polls from Pollhost.com


WE GOTS PRIZES:
I will be sending the winner a prize… it’s a packet containing at least 1 refrigerator magnet and a CD with the archive of the entire 100 word stories podcast. (Well, minus promos and junk)
A Geeklabel.com gift certificate will be tossed in to the mix. Being first sometimes helps, so this week’s vote counts a lot.
It is your voting that determines who wins. So listen, vote, and tune in next week to find out who won!

The full text of each story:
PLANET Z

While I’m at work, I can watch our cats on a set of webcams I’ve set up.
Is there a cat in my chair?
Is there a cat by the back window?
Is there a cat playing with the pile of toys?
When I get too busy to watch it real-time, I go back through the archives.
Some people call this obsessive behavior, but it’s nothing compared to all the other people watching our cats.
Sometimes, I get an instant message from them, telling me what my own cats are doing.
Our cats are Internet famous, and they have groupies.

TOM

Her head dangled over the edge of the bed. That can’t be comfortable. He puts her legs and hips upwards and back. Her eyes telegraphed question. He stared back firmly allowing no room for doubt an assurance he only acting on her behest. For one whole minute she accepted this new position. Then is a nearly perceivable motion she readjusted every muscle in her body. This action wasn’t a matter of fine tuning comfort. It was a means of reclaiming absolute supremacy and clearly informing him it wasn’t what she wanted. Sleeping with a cat is a battle of wills.

LAIEANNA

A variety of creatures have hung around our house: mice, chipmunks, birds, squirrels, raccoons, rabbits, ducks, and cats. One night during dinner on the couch, we spotted a fluffy gray visitor walking nearby. My hubby decided to feed the cat while the dogs and I watched from the window. He took his leftover piece of pork outside and called to the cat. When it refused, he chucked the meat, not trying to hit the cat, of course, but ended up scaring it off rather than helping. We occasionally reminisce about the newly named Porkchop and a good deed gone wrong.

SISTER MARY EDITH

Cats come to harm on Curiosity Farm.
Whiskers succumbed on route 151,
Kit felt the wrath of the birder’s gun,
Midnight froze up from a brown recluse bite,
Tiger took on a raccoon in a fight.
One year in spring with the thawing of snow,
We found Mrs. Mittens where the nightshades grow,
Max chased mice into the bailer,
Otherwise known as the kitty de-tailer,
Mean Mr. Blacky just never came back,
Though that spring, back in town, all the kittens were black.
Today we found Mitsie, curled up in a log,
Perhaps we should think about getting a dog.

RAHEL

She walked to the park bench. Opening her bag, she took out two bowls, filling one with cat food and the other with water from the fountain. Then she sat down to wait.
Ah, there he was! Sleek, soft and black, his silver collar glittering in the sunlight. Surely his people wouldn’t mind the extra breakfast she gave him.
Sure enough, he smelled the food and came over to her. She smiled as he rubbed her ankles and then fell to.
Friday the Thirteenth, and a black cat had crossed her path. This was going to be her lucky day.

TERRENCE

It had not taken Raoul’s father long to settle in. He had managed to
get the brimstone wholesale and that had saved them a ton. Soon they
had their first visitor and it didn’t take long for the place to start
to fill up.
Trouble started when the first fur ball showed up. On it’s own it was
only enough to upset Cerberus, but when the second one showed up all
hell broke loose. That was when Raoul’s father decided to send the
creature back. At the time, he thought nine lives would be enough to
keep the cats away.

TO4M

At the breakfast table Mildred set out the plates for the morning
meal. As she sat down with everybody Mildred felt a pang of emptiness.
Although the family was eating away hungrily no one spoke. Trying to
ease her inner tension she asked Alfred how his week had gone. He
didn’t say a word. “Did anyone do anything exciting this week?” No
one spoke. “You Bastards you only come to me when you want food. I
give you food and what do I get back? NOTHING! GODDAM YOU ALL” With
all the yelling the cats scattered from the kitchen.

TED

It didn’t begin till later in life. Oh, I’d say I was 27 or 28 before I really saw the beauty of the Holidays.
Easter for instance. You take plain ordinary eggs, dip them into food color based dye, and at once, you have a beautiful creation.
A few years back, when my kids were doing the preparation for Easter Morning, Our cat, Dingleberry jumped up on the table, knocked over all of the coloring crap, and walked away 9 different shades of Easter..
Ever since, It has been a tradition in our family. And I know the cat loves it too. Here kitty-kitty-kitty-kitty…

PATTI

Grandpa John lived alone in Brooklyn with his beloved cat, Lewis. When Lewis died, Grandpa John wept and told us how he buried Lewis in the park near his apartment.
Eight months later, Grandpa John died. We flew to New York and hired a cleaning team to help clear out the apartment. They started in the kitchen. It wasn’t long before we heard the frantic screams followed by running feet and the slam of the front door.
The refrigerator door was wide open. Inside, Lewis was lying on the shelf. Apparently, Grandpa John couldn’t say goodbye to Lewis after all.

Thanks to everyone for sending in their stories, and I look forward to what you’ve got to write (and say) next week.
The theme for next week’s Weekly Challenge will be posted shortly.

Dolls

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When Lisa was a little girl, she loved to play with dolls.
But instead of dressing them up for fashion shows, she commanded them to attend tea parties.
Not invited… commanded.
She eventually grew out of playing with dolls, graduating to commanding friends and coworkers around.
It was much more fun commanding them around. After all, humans can feel, worry, think, and fear. Dolls can’t.
One day, she looked around to find herself alone at her tea party of a life, abandoned and lonely.
Still, what a pretty dress she had on. Such a lovely hat, too.
More tea, dear?

Riding Off

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The bad guys were dead and the town was saved.
We rode our horses into the sunset, whooping and hollering as the lights in the theater came up.
Jason and Leroy were unhooking from their immersion seats, saying how awesome the film was, but Eric just sat in his seat with a glassy stare.
An usher asked if he could be of assistance.
“He’s stuck,” I said.
The usher wiped Eric’s chin with a tissue and snapped his fingers three times.
“He’s stuck alright,” said the usher.
Eric never did wake up.
Sometimes, cowboys just keep riding into that sunset.

Champagne

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“A drone is a pilotless aircraft.”
“What?” I shouted.
“A drone is a pilotless aircraft,” repeated the man in the seat next to me.
He was not easy to hear over the screaming of the other passengers.
“I bet they have some peanuts left,” he continued. “Or should we hold out for the champagne from First Class?”
He reached up for the call button, but before he could press it, the other wing tore off.
That’s when he joined in on the screaming.
I guess I’m going to have the push that button myself…
That champagne had better be chilled.

You wimp!

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There’s no shame in losing.
You know you’ve tried your best, but it just wasn’t good enough.
However, there is shame in losing to a little girl.
Especially when it’s a little girl in a pink frilly dress and a sailor’s cap.
Sure, you can claim that she only dresses that way to throw off her opponents, but that’s what you said about the guy in the wheelchair, too.
The man had to speak out commands to roll his motorized chair to get his foot to kick your ass, for crying out loud.
Oh, please.
Stop crying already.
You… wimp.

Worms, dance with me!

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I dance among the worms.
They writhe and twist in the moonlight, swaying in the mist that covers the grass.
I writhe and twist with them, and the grass feels cool against my naked skin.
“Let’s go to the lake,” I tell them, and the worms writhe in agreement and we crawl across the yard to the water’s edge.
Down in to the water I go, my body fills with it. But the worms stay on the shore and wait for my return.
Down… down… down to the bottom of the lake. To the very bottom.
Where I stay.
Forever.

When life hands you masks, make masquerade

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It looks like I have rows and rows of jars of preserves in my basement, but when I turn on the light, you can clearly see the faces within.
That’s what I do: take faces. preserve the beauty for all time and unmask the true person inside.
Early in my career, my victims died. But with practice, I’ve gotten much better at it. I haven’t taken a life while taking a face for a while now, and they come off much more cleanly.
Soon, I’ll be ready to remove my own.
Midnight is coming, and all masks are coming off.

Weekly Challenge #51 – Location, Location, Location

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Welcome to the fiftieth Weekly Challenge, where I post a topic and then challenge you to come up with a 100 word story based on that topic.
The topic this week was selected by Manata of the Squirrel Bait, and it’s Location, Location, Location.
Ten stories were submitted this week. DOUBLE THEM DIGITS!
No rookies are in the mix… boo!
The excellent theme music is by Guy David
And, once again, some disturbing madness from the one we all knew and loved as Planet Z.
Go ahead and listen to them by clicking on the grammophone thingy there in the left column and then vote for your favorites (multiple selections are allowed):

Who had the kickingest story for Weekly Challenge #52?
Tom of Footnote
Caleb from Black Tie Martini Club Oddcast
Guy David of The Sixteenth
Laieanna from Hodgepodge Point
Terrence from Never Was
Manata from Squirrel Bait
Chris from Platypus Society
Ted from Ted’s Podcast
To4m from Tom’s Podcast
Patti from SmittyGal
The Artist Formerly Known As Planet Z
  
Free polls from Pollhost.com


WE GOTS PRIZES:
I will be sending the winner a prize… it’s a packet containing at least 1 refrigerator magnet and a CD with the archive of the entire 100 word stories podcast. (Well, minus promos and junk)
Since next week is going to be the first anniversary, a Geeklabel.com gift certificate will be tossed in to the mix. Being first sometimes helps, so this week’s vote counts a lot.
It is your voting that determines who wins. So listen, vote, and tune in next week to find out who won!

The full text of each story:
TOM

“Location location location” screamed the realtor
the wind ripped her words and
pulled them up the teetering bouldered cliff.
“What?” cried Brian his voice
drowned out by the pounding surf.
Weakly she extends arms pointing at
the mountain above and the ocean below.
“The subdivision is called Tsunami Estates
this doesn’t instill confidence,” yelled Brian.
“What’s in a name?” smiled the realtor.
“And the San Andreas fault line over there?”
“Dormant.”
“Brushfires?”
“Smell that ocean air.”
“See that eroding seawall.”
“Did you know this lot is directly over Sharon Stone’s hot tub?”
“SOLD”
yelled Brian dodging the cascading boulders.

CALEB

When I wake up on Saturday, the first thing I do is root around for some mail or anything with an address that can show me my location. Then I sneak out.
After a cab home and quick Keith Richards Transfusion to sober up, I sit and wait for the weekly challenge. I won’t leave that location until the weekly challenge is on my iPod.
Once it’s been downloaded, I take the bus to my special listening location, the grocery store. I just can’t shop without hearing all these wonderful stories.
When there is no weekly challenge, I go hungry.

GUY DAVID

“Rodney hated his boss, Mr. Miller. He hated his over-ironed shirt and he hated the way he would say “Real-estate, location, location, location”, meaning “buy some undisturbed part of the city and build the biggest, ugliest shopping mall on it”. Then, Rodney got fired.
Rodney got his revenge though. He forged some papers, and based on those, the company purchased some land on the name of Mr. Miller. When the big boss found out, Mr. Miller was fired immediately. After all, no-one wanted to invest in a place like Lithium, Missouri, where the sign reads population, zero.”

LAIEANNA

“Ma, I ain’t feelin’ quite right bout taken dis here land from dat city man.”
“Don’t matter no more, Pa. Man’s got his own fancy house. Ain’t no
need for this place.”
“Still not right. Down right cheap for such nice land. Gots our own
pond and everythin'”
“Dat man took our livestock fair and square and now we’re out from
under dat sinkin’ farm.”
“Funny him turning all white when our goat took a likin’ to him in the
friendly kinda manner.”
“Take that dirty talk outside! And while you’re out, fetch one of
them swamp critters for supper”

TERRENCE

Raoul followed his father and the agent into the hall. The roof
looked to be made of bone and dripped something that burned his skin.
His farther walked over the window looked out and shook his head.
The agent led them to a vast field of reeds that blew in a gentle
breeze. Again his father shook his head.
They walked on until they came to a vast cave filled with flames.
Raoul’s father reached through an opening on the far side. After a
moment, he returned with a contact signed in blood. He smiled and
said “Location, location, location.”

MANATA

You know that old cliché: “Another day, another dollar”?
Well, it certainly applies to me.
I took the first job I could get right out of college, and for the first few months I hated it with a passion. “Traveling Insurance Salesman” doesn’t sound very glamorous, I know. Especially when they transferred me to a different region.
Northern Spain? Seriously? I didn’t even know any Spanish. But, hey , it worked out great. Now I’m raking in the money and I only work one day every year: July 7th…in Pamplona.
You know that other old cliché: Location, location, location.
Andale!

CHRIS

Eight innings in, the annual Springfield Methodist Father Son Baseball game is still tied zero to zero. It’s getting very interesting though. Terry Jarvis, the Dad’s reliable lefty, just loaded the bases on three straight walks.
Who’s up next for the Son’s? None other than Terry’s boy Stephen.
Terry looks in to the catcher for the sign. Shakes off the curveball; going with the fastball. It’s slowed a bit in the later innings but his pitch location has been remarkable.
The wind up and the pitch, nailed him in the temple!
Little shit should know not to crowd the plate.

TED

I still remember being that awkward teenager, and the day my father proudly called me into his office, to discuss the birds and the bees.
“Son, Take this, put it in your wallet and keep it there. You never know when the opportunity might arise, and you’re always better safe than sorry”.
“But why?” I asked.
“Just keep it there!” he said.
I took his advice.
Don’t ever take a fathers advice. I should have known better than to listen to that fool.
17 children later, and I still have that Trojan in my wallet. A lot of good it did.

TO4M

The north American Grizzly. Not a creature to be taken lightly. Bob, Fred and Julio’s vacation expedition in the Northwest held a mix of excitement and nervousness in their pursuit of the giant beast. The plan was to approach them slowly and be as non-threatening as possible. Carelessness can get you eaten. The expedition began early in the morning and was uneventful for most of the trip. As the day progressed Bob began to doubt if this whole trip made any sense. The reality was that in terms of location the choice of downtown Seattle was indeed a poor one.

PATTI

When she entered through the double doors, the bartender knew it was 11:35. He filled a glass with ice and started pouring before she was seated at the bar.
“Vodka-tonic,” she said.
“Howzit, Nellie?” he asked.
Checking her reflection in the mirror behind the bar, she absentmindedly smoothed her eyebrows with her left ring finger.
“It goes,” she sighed.
He handed her the drink and began to make her another.
“One more, Eddie” she said after the first sip.
The bar wasn’t in the nicest part of town but the drinks were cheap and Eddie never gave her any shit.

PLANET Z

I wake up in the street, face down in a pool of blood.
Must call… must call… my cell phone, pushing buttons…. Nine… one… one…
A soothing voice over the line: “What is your location?”
The words stick in my throat. Try to choke them out, try to say “Smithlands” but all that comes out is a raspy croak.
“I’m sorry, but that is not a location I am familiar with. What is your location?”
I know I’m running out of time, but…
“What is your location?”
It’s just a recording. It can’t help me.
But it’s just… so… comforting.

Thanks to everyone for sending in their stories, and I look forward to what you’ve got to write (and say) next week.
The theme for next week’s Weekly Challenge will be posted shortly.