George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
When they say that Helen of Troy’s was so beautiful that her face could launch a thousand ships, George was responsible for at least half of them sinking.
“You’re going to be more careful this time, right?” said Helen, handing over the keys.
“Yes, ma’am,” said George. “I promise!” said George.
George barely made it out of the harbor before he sideswiped one ship and ramming another, sinking them both.
And, of course, his own ship.
As George swam back ashore, Helen of Troy’s expression was anything but beautiful.
George plays electric football
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He was the pirate equivalent of that electric football game where you arrange plastic figures on a game board that rattles, which moves the figures around.
It’s hilariously fun to watch the first time, maybe the second time.
Unless you take the game seriously. Then, it’s frustrating and stupid.
Eventually, it ends up gathering dust on the shelf, until it’s picked over at a garage sale with a dollar price tag.
George woke up, shook off the dust, and wondered why there was a price tag on his toe.
Weekly Challenge #904 – Overhead
The next topic is PICK TWO Why should I?, Rhymes with…, Grasp, Heinz 57, Loop, Unleashed.
TOM
Escape From SF
In 2030 Primer Trump declared the San Fransisco Commune enemies of the state. A fleet of drones hoovered overhead on the south end of the peninsula raining down a sheet of flame. Over the next three years the regent was placed under the Federal Bureau of Prisons. Maximum Security Facility. Trump got his wall. Behind it went everyone who ICE rounded up. If they weren’t bad hombres before, they are now. I’m held up in the Mount Sutro tower. Me and Jack are working on a plan. If it works, we’re all leaving, Codeword: Overhead. We’re coming after you old man.
As for the reason for my Absence
It seems fitting to end this tale pretty much in the place I began my Podcasting career. In da wake of the Bush Administration, we thought it wise to have a bolt-hole in Canada. So collectively we bought the house I currently writing this. During the summer of 2005 I came up here, spent a week choosing just the right podcast name. What I settle on in this very room was Footnote. For three years Jim and I did 150 shows. With Jim’s death it has became impossible to keep the house here so this is the last four day before the new owner moves in. It has taken a year to close accounts and end business relationship. Much was lost and much needed to be fixed. What I am thankful for is our writing brotherhood. As for the reason for my presents: your support. My new goal: 20 years.
RICHARD
Death by…
I thrust at the fearsome beast as it advanced, jabbing my sword at its exposed throat repeatedly.
Suddenly, I stumbled, losing my footing and falling backwards.
Unable to recover, the monster was upon me, slashing at me ferociously with claws and teeth.
My end was near.
It drew back, ready to deliver the fatal blow; using the last of my strength, my sword flashed in my hand, separating the beast’s head from its body.
“Erm… Are you with us?”
Roused from my daydream by the presenter’s voice, I returned to reality.
“Now, let’s look at staff overhead. Next slide please”
SERENDIPIDY
Ignore the explosions overhead, you’re perfectly safe down here. I promise you.
The reinforced concrete is a metre thick, the airlock is hermetically sealed, and the air supply is hepa filtered through activated carbon.
Whatever they throw at us, we’re going to be just fine, nothing will get through to us, I can guarantee it.
Although, regrettably, there’s been one tiny oversight.
Somebody forgot to stock up before the attack started, and I’m afraid we only have food sufficient for two days.
But, that’s OK, I’m going to eat you instead.
I lied, when I said you were perfectly safe!
LIZZIE
“Who paid the rent?”
The studio was in full swing, over-booked even, and no one bothered to pay the rent for several months.
What could he do? He was just a sound technician.
One day, some goons wrecked the whole place. A fortune in high-end equipment smashed to pieces. Not to mention the broken arms and legs.
The studio was rebuilt soon after.
The mob was now managing it.
Things ran smoothly.
He was happy.
Good thing he had removed some of the expensive equipment ahead of time. The goons got there earlier. Something about a football game on TV.
NORVAL JOE
They ran through the forest as the last of the clouds dissipated overhead.
Billbert stopped. “Let’s join hands and fly off.”
Sabrina held out her hand, though Linoliamanda continued to run through the trees.
They called after her and she slowed just enough to shout over her shoulder, “My house is right here.”
They followed her through the trees onto a large manicured lawn, with a long gravel driveway leading up to a Victorian mansion.
At the drive’s turnaround, at the house, a police car sat with its doors open and an officer spoke to Linoliamanda’s father on the porch.
PLANET Z
There’s a lot of grocery stores around here.
Kroger, HEB, Randalls.
And some stores you wouldn’t think of when you think of grocery stores.
Target, Walmart.
Then there’s Whole Foods.
It’s a rip-off at any price.
Even with that Amazon card.
One of them had a set of charging stations for electric vehicles.
My car is a plug-in hybrid, so I’d go there to top off.
Probably got as much charge as it took to drive there and back.
The last time I went, they had removed the charging stations.
Too many goddamned Teslas parking overnight to mooch, I guess.
George the gambling man
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
You’d think that the captain and the crew would have gotten rid of him by now, but George found ways of being useful.
He ran the fantasy football, baseball, and basketball leagues, and he was the one who organized the March Madness brackets.
He also handled the point squares for Super Bowl, World Series, and other major events.
The crew had a lot of fun with all of this.
George kept five percent of each pool, saving up for the day he could get his own ship and crew.
Concussed George
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
As a result of his clumsiness, he suffered a lot of concussions.
Every now and then, he’d stop and stare at the sky.
“Angelllllllssss..” he sighs, smiling.
He waves his arms slowly, as if he were gliding through the air, like an angel.
“He’s not right in the head,” says the captain to the other ship’s captain, and they resume their battle.
Because George complained to the Department of Labor, all pirates must now wear protective headgear and use padded swords.
And insurance premiums have tripled.
Gee, thanks, George!
George goes Burroughs
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
Good pirate, wasn’t George.
Pirate. Pirate.
George was a pirate. George wasn’t a pirate.
Good was George, George.
Very good, very George, very pirate.
But but but. But!
George. George was a pirate. George was.
George was. George wasn’t.
A pirate. Pirate was George, pirate, he was George.
A George. A good George. A very good George.
George was. George was a. George was a pirate.
George. George!
Wasn’t George a pirate? Wasn’t George a very good pirate?
George wasn’t.
George wasn’t a very good pirate.
He wasn’t good.
George Snaps
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
One day, he just snapped.
He climbed up to the crow’s nest and started shooting at people.
Sure, he missed them all, but he broke a lamp and knocked a handle off of the ship’s wheel.
“You stupid ass!” yelled the captain. “My mother gave me that lamp.”
George eventually ran out of ammo, and he threatened to stab anyone who came up after him.
Knowing George’s skill with a knife, they came up anyway, subdued him, and tied him to the mast until he said he was sorry.
George and Container Ships
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He’d raid container ships, but going from America to China, not China to America.
China sent all the valuable things Eastward, like televisions and computers and microchips.
America, on the other hand, sent recyclable garbage and raw materials Westward.
So, George ended up with a lot of garbage and raw materials.
If it were Gold or Silver, yeah, that would work out nicely.
But 100 metric tons of recovered tires or obsolete computer motherboards with trace amounts of rare earth materials, no.
At least the crews could be ransomed.
George vs the theatre
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
When the community theater held tryouts for The Pirates of Penzance, George gave it a shot.
He got a callback.
But he had issues with the production.
“Pirates really aren’t gentlemanly,” said George. “And they don’t dance all that much.”
George spent ten minutes pointing out problems in Gilbert and Sullivan’s writing.
The director thanked George for his thoughts, and shouted “NEXT!”
George told his crewmates, and they raided the theater.
The director demanded that the pirates yield in Queen Victoria’s name.
They strung him up from the rafters.
Weekly Challenge #903: Fine
RICHARD
Fine
There was no way I was paying the fine.
I’d only popped into the store to grab some bread and milk, ten minutes, tops. Ten minutes – and I still got a ticket!
Where else was I supposed to park?
I decided to fight it on principal.
I reckoned it was worth a shot.
That was until I got the legal bills and had to lose two whole day’s wages for court dates, plus the cost of fuel and parking just to attend.
Nearly a grand and a half it cost me!
But, at least they let me off the fine!
TOM
Do-lang-do-lang-do-lang
It was the gold age of rhyme and blues. A refined sound that spilled out of the Black Community and cross over into mainstream American pop music. Ten million transistor radios tuned to what arguable could be called, not parent’s music. Downtown music. Not only was the sound uptown so was the presentation of the group that sang those upbeat love songs. Groups like the Chiffons dressed to the nines elegantly crooning Do-lang-do-lang-do-lang. He’s so Fine is a long way from swing low. So fine, I haven’t heard the term used in years. Guess you would say He’s so Non-binary.
SERENDIPIDY
I’m fine, really, no matter what the shrinks might say, and despite all the expert opinions.
I’m taking it all in my stride; as far as I’m concerned, it’s no big deal, even though I know it should be.
People think it’s some sort of ‘survivor syndrome’ – not the one where you feel guilty about surviving, when none of the others lived, or the weird one where you feel invincible, almost immortal.
But it’s not.
The truth is far simpler.
I managed to survive, not because the killer spared me, or missed me.
I survived because I was the killer!
LIZZIE
“No trains?”
The man sitting outside the station shrugged.
“Fine.”
10am. What now?
She could walk, but her feet were killing her after 2 hours, walking from the nearest village.
A cab perhaps? Did they even have cabs here, in the middle of nowhere?
She could wait. What if there were no trains?
Then, she saw the policeman.
“No trains?”
He shrugged.
“Fine!”
Rude people.
“Lady, I saw you crossing the road over here.”
“So?”
“The zebra crossing is over there.”
“So? There are no cars.”
“Well, here.”
“What’s this?”
“A fine, of course. You do love fines, don’t you?”
SCRIBBLING WREN
John
The first thing I notice in the room next to him is Chrysanthemums. I didn’t want flowers but forgot to say. It’s hard to think of everything. Maybe someone asked me. Maybe I’m on autopilot just nodding and telling everyone I’m fine. I’m tired of having ‘sorry for your loss’ thrown at me, then that awkward bit where we stand in silence.
I leave half way through his funeral.
Those fucking Chrysanthemums.
I feel like I can smell them from outside.
I’ve had enough. I don’t want to be alone but I need to be by myself for a bit.
NORVAL JOE
The roiling black thunderhead rushed toward them, bolts of lightning striking tall pine trees as it approached.
One of the teenagers shouted to the driver of the van, “What do we do, Clarence?”
From behind the steering wheel, he waved them toward the van. “Get inside.”
As the wind roared toward them, they left Billbert and his friends and jumped for cover inside the van.
“Not without the prisoners!” Clarence screamed at the youths.
It was too late. Billbert, Linoliamnda, and Sabrina raced into the trees.
But without Sabrina focusing on it, the storm faded away to a fine mist.
PLANET Z
Some days, she’d open a drawer and smell his clothes.
Or set the table for two.
Using his soap in the shower.
Buying the 2% milk at the store because he didn’t like the skim milk she drank.
Only having to pour it out a week later.
How long had she been doing this?
Too long.
Eventually she sold his car, sold the house, gave all his stuff to goodwill.
A new beginning, she told herself.
She pulled out her phone and played the voicemail.
“I’ll be fine,” said John.
A slide of the finger, and then tap on Delete.