My spirit animal is Jack Daniels.
Well, it was Jack Daniels.
Then my doctor told me to swear off all alcohol.
Might have to do with my liver issues.
Triglycerides through the roof.
And the kidney stones that come from grain alcohol.
So, I gave it up, and I was left without a spirit animal.
Can your cat be a spirit animal?
Or does it have to be an actual spirit animal?
Like when after a cat dies.
Thinking about this too much gives me a headache.
I want to drink.
This is why my spirit animal was Jack Daniels.
Author: R.
Pray for the horse
My coworker owns a horse.
Not a month goes by that she doesn’t have a huge vet bill.
The latest drama was an inverted colon.
Apparently, that’s a thing.
This condition is deadly, and she was going to need to put the horse down.
But the horse wasn’t in pain, so she waited, asking people to pray for the horse.
This was the first time I’ve prayed for a horse’s colon.
Although, I used to drink a lot, so I may have done it before, but I can’t remember.
By the way, the horse is fine.
As if you care.
Smartbo
Smartbo the elephant woke up in a tree, and a flock of crows asked him how he got up there.
“I dunno,” said Smartbo.
A mouse pulled a feather out of a crow’s butt and handed it to the baby elephant.
“This is a magic feather,” he said. “It will help you to fly.”
A dumb elephant would believe the mouse.
But Smartbo was smart.
So, he handed the feather back to the mouse.
“Okay, prove it,” said Smartbo.
The mouse tried to come up with excuses, but the elephant grabbed him and threw him out of the tree.
Splat.
Weekly Challenge #828: TAKE TWO Feeble, Uncompromising, Flowering, Are we there yet?, Late, I’ll be there
Thank you to everyone for your patience during the migration of this podcast to a new hosting provider.
RICHARD
Late
I’ve just come out from an all-company meeting with the new boss, where he laid down the ground rules he expects everyone to follow.
In particular, he was keen to stress his uncompromising stance on punctuality. “I expect you to be on time: I don’t tolerate anything less. If you’re a minute late, you may as well not turn up at all!”
That went down like a lead balloon!
Shows how little he knows us though… This lot will follow his rules to the letter. And, they’re always late.
Let’s see how he feels after a week without staff!
LIZZIE
The books on the shelf stared at him sternly.
Feeble. Uncompromising. Late.
The titles suggested a series of events that could easily be totally uninteresting or a complete disaster. Being such a positive person, he thought they were a sign that something dreadful was about to happen.
When a car exploded outside (certainly because of some lunatic defending lunatic ideas), he grabbed the three books and ran, hoping to save himself. He was about to burn them when they arrested him. “Subversive, subversive” they shouted.
While they dragged him away, he pondered about the different meanings of the word “late”.
SERENDIPIDY
“Are we there yet?”
You whimper, terrified eyes darting around the room, body twisting and straining against your bonds.
“No”, I continue, slowly and deliberately sharpening my knife, “we’ve still a long way to go.”
I must say, you impressed me greatly; I don’t think anyone has lasted as long as you, and – believe me – I was giving it my all.
And so were you.
However, all good things must come to an end.
And eventually, bruised, bloodied and broken, you too, come to an end.
As you draw your final, feeble breath, I lean close and whisper…
“We’ve arrived.”
TOM
What Could Go Possibly Wrong 028
Despite be bound from behind, the man at Parker’s feet executed a move that put him in an Uncompromising position. It would have turned the advantage to the capture, but a second roll of the earth dumped Molly on top of him in yet another Uncompromising position. Feeble he called out to the Captain who promptly yell “Give it up john. Will sort this out later, after we sort out the Leviathan. “What?” queried Ford. The ground broke and a larger eye bore down on the tiny company. “No one take a step,” calmly said Cervantes reaching into a vest pocket.
NORVAL JOE
Billbert scratched his head. “When you say, become a couple, are you saying we need to be a boyfriend girlfriend type couple?”
The old witch smiled at Sabrina and then turned her eyes back on Billbert. “It’s clear you already have a flowering teenage romance. We’re just encouraging that to grow a little more rapidly.”
A feeble old man tottered up to the witch. “It’s getting late, Gracilda. We should let these kids get home.”
Gracilda nodded to the man, but spoke to Billbert. “You have matching rings now, so you’re a couple, officially. But, a little romance won’t hurt.”
PLANET Z
I usually start my day with a banana and peanut butter.
Getting the peanut butter on the banana is the hard part.
I used to peel it then slice it, but it would break apart easily.
That’s when I’d cut off the end and slice it in the peel, then peel it.
It broke apart less easily and often.
Then I put on the peanut butter, stick the two halves together, and there’s breakfast.
Even if it does break apart, well, more pieces, right?
And the peanut butter still glues it together for the minute or so it needs that.
Top of the world to you
So, we all know where North is.
And where South is.
East, you can always keep going East.
Same with West.
But where is the top of the world?
Because there is no actual top and bottom of the world.
Or is that true?
It isn’t, okay?
Anywhere you sit when you’re feeling great, really.
Everyone who sits while feeling great is sitting on top of the world.
Except for Don.
He’s not a happy guy.
He’s always sitting on the bottom of the world.
We don’t like Don very much.
So, we tell him to stand up and leave.
Parallel Development
I am a computer programmer.
I develop applications for companies.
But they have privacy policies with their customers, so I cannot see their raw data.
So, I developed a parallel universe.
I pull the data from that parallel universe.
Because the data is identical to the data in our universe, I have all the conditions necessary to test it.
Then, I delete the data and hand over my application.
And I hand it to the company in the parallel universe.
Sure, I get paid twice for the same work, but, sadly, I also have to pay taxes in both universes.
Ken Nordine is dead
I saw Ken Nordine in a documentary of Tom Waits.
I looked him up… and… he’s dead?
Did I know that before?
One of the down downer downsides of having memory issues.
You forget that cool people died.
And, man, Ken Nordine was cool.
The Word Jazz guy, very cool.
But I guess, in a way, it’s a good thing, not knowing. Not remembering.
Because in spite of his having died, he’s been alive to me all this time.
And, just like my having forgotten he had died before, I will forget again.
Alive, until, again, I learn he’s not.
Forgetting Spares
The good thing about having a laptop is that you can take it with you and work from anywhere.
Of course, you need cords for it.
Power cord. Network cable.
An external keyboard or trackpad.
Spare batteries for all these things.
So, it’s inevitable that you forget something important when you pack up.
Or forget something important when you’re finished there and pack up to go home.
This is why I always have spares of everything.
Except that I pack the spares.
And, of course, forget them.
Oh well. I just need spares of the spares.
And not pack them.
Favorite Favorites
Freddy always went to his favorite restaurants.
But when a favorite restaurant would close down, he’d go another of it’s kind, but he never liked the new place.
The problem was, he’d always order “The Special” or “The Combination Platter” or some generic label for a dish.
Which he liked at his favorite restaurants.
But if his favorite Italian restaurant closed and he ordered it at a new Italian restaurant, The “Special” was something else.
Like spinach linguine instead of a sausage calzone.
When he was down to one favorite restaurant, he bought it.
“Don’t change a thing,” he said.
Ego Friendly
I’ve always wanted an electric car. Eco-friendly.
But we don’t have an outlet at home near where I’d park it.
There’s charging ports at work, though.
But what if I change jobs to a place without them?
So, I went with a plug-in hybrid.
It has enough electric range to get from home to work and back.
And a enough left over for a few errands on the weekend.
And then, the pandemic hit.
I work from home now.
And I’ve only filled up once i five months.
In light of the situation, I’d say that’s eco-friendly enough for me.