Author: R.

Some people deserve one cheer.
“Let’s all cheer Martin!”
Other people deserve three cheers.
“Three cheers for Martin!”
But have you ever heard of someone getting two cheers?
I mean, maybe they did something that was twice as good as something that deserves one cheer?
Or two-thirds as good as something that deserves three cheers?
Are three cheers for two people one-and-a-half cheers for each person?
How do you determine how many cheers someone or something gets?
Does volume count? What about the number of people cheering?
And how many cheers is a fruit basket or a gift card worth?

After Willy Wonka retired, Charlie took over the factory.
Things went well, until the unions got involved.
They tried to organize the Oompah Loompahs.
And they paid off human rights organizations to stick their noses into business.
Slowdowns and sickouts were rampant.
Charlie sought out his old mentor.
“When I rescued the Oompah Loompahs from Loompahland,” said Willy, “I also brought a few of their old neighbors.”
During that famous tour, Willy hadn’t included the cellar… where he kept the Hornswagglers, Wangdoodles, and Vermicious Knids.
“Meet your plant managers,” said Charlie, introducing the Loompahland monsters.
Productivity returned to normal quickly.

Paul ran a petting zoo.
It was a really, really bad petting zoo.
Instead of fluffy and nice animals like goats and sheep, his petting zoo had cobras and porcupines.
And there was a big aquarium in the middle with sharks and electric eels.
And sea urchins, which are pretty much the porcupines of the sea.
Oh, and sting rays, too.
He’d invite schools to bring students to the petting zoo, and as the yellow buses filled the parking lot, he’d laugh.
“Come in, come in!” he’d say, grinning a wide smile.
Paul was a sick son of a bitch.

Lydia had an office far from the break room.
So, she kept a pitcher of water in her office.
That way, she didn’t have to walk to the break room every time she wanted water.
It got warm, through. So, he kept an ice bucket in her office.
That way, she didn’t have to walk to the break room every time she wanted ice.
That worked out well for her. She had all the water and ice she needed during the day.
Until she knocked over the pitcher and ice bucket.
She ran to the break room for paper towels.

After fourteen years, you’d think this would get easier.
In some ways, it has. It’s almost reflex now.
I mean, how hard is it to string a hundred words together to make some semblance of a world?
Pick out some character, build them up, and then crush them with some sick and twisted tragedy.
Some days, it comes easy.
And others, there’s nothing but the hum of reality getting in between me and my imagination.
That’s when I write about the real… until it becomes so unreal, I’ve worked my way through it to be with my imagination once again.

From the time she was a baby, Denise was coddled by everyone.
Her parents never told her no.
Her teachers never told her no.
Her professors never told her no.
Everywhere was a safe space for Denise.
Never challenged, never questioned.
She stayed a baby forever.
Never really became a real person.
Your skin doesn’t toughen up without a few bruises and cuts.
If you don’t have to wash off the mud and dirt, it never really shines.
Life was one big safe space for her.
Her coffin was the safest space of all.
Nailed shut, sealed away from everything.

Long ago, I worked at a television station as the IT manager.
I took care of the computers and computer network.
Every now and then, in between anchors bitching about wanting Solitaire or a reporter whining that their cell phone didn’t look cool, there was a legitimate issue.
The National Lightning Detection Network used a dedicated computer to ingest data.
We ported it to the on-air weather system for display.
Some fool unplugged it from the surge-protector so they could plug in a coffee machine.
Lightning struck the station and fried that computer.
But at least they had fresh coffee.

There are two kinds of people in this world:
Those who can be replaced by robots, and those who build, program, and service robots.
Someone who can be replaced by a robot really shouldn’t date or marry someone who builds, programs, and services robots.
Because, after a bad fight or two, they’ll be replaced by a robot.
And that’s really awkward.
Especially when you try to explain it to the kids.
Well, maybe not to the kids who like to build, program, and service robots.
They’ll understand.
But the kids who don’t, well, you can always replace them with robots.

They say that the best way to lose weight is a balance of diet and exercise.
So, I walk on my treadmill every day, but the dieting part is giving me trouble.
I just don’t have the willpower.
I’ve bought a lot of dieting books.
Most dieting books warn me not to drink my calories.
So, I freeze them and eat them.
Which still makes me fat.
Injecting your calories can be dangerous.
And administering them rectally is plain weird and disgusting.
I tried soaking in my calories.
But I got hungry… and… well…
I’d rather not talk about it.