Wolfman Jack, the famous deejay, was not a werewolf.
He was, in fact, a vampire.
In order to hide his true nature, he wore a scraggly wig and howled so people would think he was a werewolf.
This ruse worked, until a deranged fan tried to shoot him with a silver bullet.
Werewolves normally die from silver bullets, but vampires are immune to them, so Wolfman Jack staged his own death.
The next day, Mummy Jack showed up at the radio station looking for a job.
But walking around in bandages didn’t have the same appeal as a wolfman’s howl.
Author: R.
Master of Horror
They called Vincent Price the Master of Horror.
But his true calling was tapdance.
In between takes, Vincent Price would don a top hat, pick up a cane, and he’d do a little soft shoe to amuse the crew and other actors.
Then, once the cameras and lights were ready, he’d go back to acting.
Vincent tried to convince producers to cast him in musicals, but his agent insisted that he do horror.
“It’s what the audiences want and love… and the studios pay for,” he said.
Vincent sighed, hung up his tap shoes, and put on his black cloak.
Frankenbeatle
Before Dr. Victor Frankenstein became obsessed with bringing dead tissue back to life, he was obsessed with bringing The Beatles back together.
Many experts agreed that getting rid of Yoko Ono would solve the problem, but Victor knew that the real problem was Linda McCartney.
Victor spent many nights trying to calculate the proper solution.
After ten years, he’d finally done it.
He ran to the local newspaper office with his findings, only to discover that John Lennon had been killed.
Victor sighed, went back to the drawing board, and began working on a solution to that even bigger problem.
Candy check
After every Halloween, Mom would take us to the airport where they’d offer to X-ray bags of candy to check for razors and tacks and other dangerous items.
The security people never found anything in the candy.
Then Mom would give us each some of the candy.
But then, some of it wasn’t what we’d actually gotten from the neighborhood.
Full-sized Snickers and Three Musketeers bars?
“I don’t remember getting these, do you?” I asked my brothers.
They didn’t care. Bigger was better.
I didn’t eat any. Which is why I survived.
Don’t take candy from strangers.
Or family, either.
Costume ideas
I think the whole point of going out for Halloween is to steal good ideas for next year’s Halloween.
The problem is, of course, that everyone else has the same idea, so everyone ends up looking the same the next year.
Well, except for those crazies who put a lot of electronics and carpentry and sewing into their costume.
That crap takes effort.
I always end up buying a cheap mask and plastic smock from Wal-Mart.
Back when I was a kid, it was embarrassing to have that.
Now, it’s kitschy and retro.
Everyone will be doing it next year.
Doctor Hyde
Dr. Jeckyll created a potion that transformed him into Mister Hyde.
Mister Hyde insisted that he be called Dr. Hyde, but nobody would.
“Did you go to medical school?” said the angry mob. “Where is your medical license?”
Mister Hyde applied to several medical schools, but he was rejected from them all.
Even the ones in South America who take pretty much anybody who has the money.
He tried to connive an honorary doctorate from a prestigious university, claiming to have invented the transformation formula himself, but the administration said no, and Hyde’s bloody rampage did his case no service.
Weekly Challenge #652 – Turtle
Welcome to the 100 Word Stories podcast at oneadayuntilthedayidie.com.
This is the Weekly Challenge, where I post a topic and then challenge you to come up with a 100 word story based on that topic.
We’ve got stories by:
RICHARD
The golden rule
Danny ‘Fries With That’ McDonaldson had earned a break; and now that his burger business was making a profit, he felt comfortable with taking some time off and leaving his brother, Dilbert, in charge.
Dilbert wasn’t the brightest, so Danny kept his instructions to a mere hundred words, and headed off to the beach.
When he returned, after two weeks, the business was failing. Dilbert in his wisdom had done away with steak, and was now selling turtle burgers instead!
“For crying out loud!” Danny ranted, “I can’t believe you broke the golden rule of burgers…”
“Always… Keep it beef!”
LIZZIE
“Pirates are turtles.”
The others at the table frowned. Most of them were pirates.
“Yes, turtles.”
“You drank too much, mate.”
“No, no. Turtles, they are.”
“Why turtles?”
The man prepared to stand up and walk away.
“Wait, wait. Have a seat. Explain why we’re turtles.”
“Parrots.”
The others frowned.
“Turtles or parrots?”
The man raised his beer mug and laughed.
“Another round for the boys!”
Everyone forgot about the turtle story.
When the man walked away he had several pouches of coins in his pocket.
“Slow blabbers,” he whispered.
CHARLIE
The turtle, as unique and well designed as it is, has never been employed as a means of mass transport. A quick bimble around the garden or across the river may suffice for the turtle, but once the scorpion is introduced into the story you know this did not turn out well for the turtle nor the scorpion.
I’ve never ridden a turtle, but I did take a ride on the back of a large, green, seat turtle while in the Galapagos on a vacation.
The turtle took me for a spin, as we dodged tour boats and scuba divers.
#2
We don’t know how it happened. The bottom of the shell was cracked and the plates were loose. Jimminy, the box turtle that lived in the garden, needed help, now. He had to stop dragging his shell across the ground. It was hurting him and it could do more damage to his organs if we didn’t do something.
Lani had some popsicle sticks, string, some rubber wheels, some cotton packing, and Leggo pieces.
We cobbled together a contraption that Jimminy could wear. It would keep his shell off the ground allowing him to pull himself along until his shell healed.
JEFFREY
Fear the Turtle
by Jeffrey Fischer
Sports team mascots tend to emphasize their ferocity: the Chicago Bears, Philadelphia Eagles, Carolina Panthers, Penn State Nittany Lions, Michigan Wolverines. Political correctness has forced some teams to replace mascots with watered-down versions: William and Mary is still the Tribe but can’t use the Indian logo. Similarly, the Atlanta Braves dropped long-time mascot Chief Noc-A-Homa. Fairfax High School, in Virginia, ditched Johnny Reb in the 1980s, opting to do without a mascot.
Here’s to the Maryland Terrapins, then. A school so splendidly confident that its mascot is the very definition of slowness combined with a knack for avoiding fights by hiding in its shell. A bold decision.
SERENDIPITY
Someone asked what my spirit animal might be. I suggested snapping turtle, because there’s much I have in common with that creature.
I hide away, only coming out of my shell if provoked, I’ve a thick impervious skin, and I’ll attack without warning. Like the turtle, once you’re in my grasp, I’ll draw blood and I’ll not let go.
And yet, I seem so inoffensive, you might even think I’m cute.
So, why don’t you come a little closer… Try to give me a cuddle. No need to be afraid.
But don’t be surprised when I tear your fingers off!
TOM
All the way down
Mitch was a turtle’s turtle. Totally hard sheller. Quick to snap at any dissent in the rank and file. He ran the race so slowly it was easy to miss the infinite course corrections. That reptile was will to given up any conservative creed to gain the greater goal. If is took 100 years, the Mitch, would make it the law of Turledom all turtle eggs will come to term. Well it didn’t quite work out the way Mitch had planned. The Turtle Two movement took him out of office, and a Mack truck took him out on the road.
JON
Turtle
By
Jon DeCles
Leonardo’s tank was based on his observations of a turtle in a pond near his home. Many of his inventions were based on natural phenomena, like the set of wings he designed to allow a man to fly like a bird. He noticed, on an outing at the seashore, that seals could swim underwater for a very long time while hunting fish and other delicacies, and so he designed a submersible ship that could do the same.
The sun heated stones and the stones held the heat, but that was not worth jotting down: even a fool could understand that.
——————
Chaos
By Jon DeCles
Chaos was what there was before the Big Bang. That’s an important part of Greek Cosmology. It is not Nothingness, it is a lack of Somethingness. What you might call substance without spiritual definition. A stage of complete lack of any kind of organization on any level.
The Tower of Babel is a Biblical depiction of Chaos brought about by linguistic disintigration. If Nobody can speak a common language Nobody can communicate. If even part of the people can speak more than one language then the Chaos begins to come under control. The more commonality, the less Chaos.
Speak Broadly!
NORVAL JOE
Linoliumanda pulled Billbert toward her bed.
“Um. I really don’t think,” Billbert began.
“What? Oh.” Linoliumanda blushed. “I just want to talk.”
Billbert perched on the edge of the bed, his hands in his lap. Linoliumanda sat next to him.
He looked around expecting to find decorations of unicorns or something magic related. To his surprise, everything was turtles — pink turtles.
There were turtle pillows on the bed, a pink and purple turtle pattern bedspread, turtle wallpaper, turtle posters and turtle ornaments.
“You like turtles?” Billbert asked.
“Yes. How did you know?” she asked, apparently surprised by his observation.
PLANET Z
Back when I could eat candy, I loved those turtle candies.
Chocolate, caramel, pralines, and…
Oh, I miss them so.
Now that I can’t eat them, I miss them that much more.
For a while, I’d put one in my mouth, chew it up, and spit it out.
But I was too tempted to swallow them, and I had to stop.
I’d try to breathe them in, or get turtle-flavored coffee, but I can’t have coffee, either.
Now, I just walk past the candy shop, not even looking in the window.
“Enjoy it while you can, kids,” I whisper quietly.
This is what it sounds like…
This is what it sounds like when the doves talk shit about you behind your back.
This is what it sounds like when the doves laugh about it, those goddamed doves.
This is what it sounds like when the doves stop laughing and see that you’ve got a pellet gun in your hands.
This is what it sounds like when the doves scatter as you shoot them mercilessly with the pellet gun.
This is what it sounds like when the doves see their relatives lying dead on the sidewalk.
And this is what it sounds like when the doves cry.
Dracula’s home
By night, Castle Dracula was the dark prince’s sanctuary.
But when the sun came up, laying down to rest, he never quite rested well.
Dracula hated depending on human slaves to mind his castle during the daytime.
More than once, he found his armored coffin sitting on railroad tracks or at the bottom of a lake.
He already used roombas to sweep the halls… why not use robots and home automation for everything else?
One by one, Dracula rolled out the computerized improvements, and he called each servant into his chambers to relieve them of their duties.
And their blood.
Chucky
When the Army heard about a seemingly unstoppable psychotic Chucky doll rampaging through the suburbs, killing people, they didn’t send in the troops to stop it.
They sent in the experts to capture it and figure out how to make more.
“Imagine dropping a thousand of these on an enemy city,” said the Army Chief of Staff.
“There be collateral damage, civilian casualties,” said his assistant. “And how do we control these things?”
The general didn’t care… until The Pentagon’s alarms went off.
He looked at the security monitor: a wave of rampaging, knife-waving Chucky dolls coming down the halls.