Weekly Challenge #993 – Star Wars

The next topic is Mad World

NORVAL JOE

Billbert felt like Luke Skywalker saving Leia from Jabba the Hutt. He wiped his hands on his pants legs, held them out, and said, “Let’ go.”

“I can’t.” Mandi turned away and Billbert followed, floating into the room.

“Why not?” he asked, touching down on the bedroom carpet.

She turned back to him, her eyes filled with anguish. “John says he’ll kill me and my mother, like he killed my father.”

Billbert gasped. “Your father’s dead?”

“No,” Mandi said. “He’s in the hospital.”

“Then…” Billbert began to ask.

Mandi blinked back tears. “John admitted he has been poisoning my father.”

TOM

It’s not common knowledge, but the stars are at war.
However, it all happens very, very slowly, so you’re hardly likely to notice, but trust me, it’s happening.
Those meteors you see in the night sky… interstellar ballistic missiles. And comets? Galactic cluster bombs. And those aren’t asteroid belts scattered through space, but gigantic minefields.
We’ve mostly nothing to worry about, because we’re not stars, are we?
Nevertheless, in any war, mistakes can be made. Missiles can go off course, and there is always collateral damage.
And when it happens, forget slowly.
It’ll all be over very, very quickly indeed!

SERENDIPIDY

It’s not common knowledge, but the stars are at war.
However, it all happens very, very slowly, so you’re hardly likely to notice, but trust me, it’s happening.
Those meteors you see in the night sky… interstellar ballistic missiles. And comets? Galactic cluster bombs. And those aren’t asteroid belts scattered through space, but gigantic minefields.
We’ve mostly nothing to worry about, because we’re not stars, are we?
Nevertheless, in any war, mistakes can be made. Missiles can go off course, and there is always collateral damage.
And when it happens, forget slowly.
It’ll all be over very, very quickly indeed!

RICHARD

— Star Wars —
Never really understood all the fuss about Star Wars.
I read the book before I saw the movie, and even then I watched it on TV. I vaguely recall the second one, and all I can remember about the third one: teddy bears, zipping through the forest on skateboards… something like that, anyway.
I’ve not seen any of the prequels, sequels or spin offs, and I’ve no interest in any of the nonsense around what order you’re supposed to watch them, not that I’m ever going to.
But, I’ll admit the cantina band was awesome.
And Princess Leia? Hot stuff!

LISA

Star Wars
I think most people remember their first cinema trip. I went with Nan to see Star Wars. It wasn’t the film that was memorable though. There’d been a spate of attacks and women had been advised to not go out at night. Nan was having none of that – she went out more than ever before.
Good on her you’d think; why should she live in fear. But Nan went out with a knife. A big sharp carving knife that wouldn’t even fit in her handbag. She’d brandished it as she walked and got arrested after the film outside the cinema.

PLANET Z

Back when Star Wars came out, kids would brag about how many times they saw it.
Five, ten, fifteen.
Stacy said she lost count.
Her family ran the drive-through over the county line, where you could sell beer.
It used to be a farm out there, but they’d show old movies on a bedsheet on Friday nights in the summer and it grew from there.
They built the drive-in, then the liquor store and a nice house from all the money coming in.
Their old trailer became a grow house, and we’d smoke weed while watching the original trilogy.

George bops people

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He liked to bop people with anchors. He thought it was amusing.
The people whom George bopped with the anchors didn’t.
When they came to, that is. Quite a few didn’t, because getting bopped with an anchor tends to stave in skulls.
That’s somewhat deadly.
Then, their next-of-kin didn’t think it all that amusing, with the hassle of planning funerals and all that.
Unless, of course, they inherited a share of treasure from their recently-bopped relative.
Then, I’m sure the gold and silver helped then get over their grief.

George gets into a wreck

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He was heading out of the harbor when a family in an old junk struck his ship.
George’s ship was fine, for the most part, but the old junk was badly damaged.
George felt bad that the man’s junk was damaged, but it was the junk that struck his ship, not the other way around.
Still, out of sympathy, he offered them a ride back to port.
The next day, the family’s lawyer came aboard to threaten George with a lawsuit.
Without sympathy, George made him walk the plank.

George on Columbus Day

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He was constantly roped into an endless series of sidetracks and distractions.
Such as the time when he found himself joining a fleet of three Spanish ships heading Westward to India.
“Okay, Nina, Pinta, Santa Maria,” he said. “Now, which one’s the Pinta? I keep confusing it with the Santa Maria.”
The fleet never made it to India. They ended up wandering around the Caribbean, torturing and enslaving a bunch of natives.
George found it all rather brutish and uncivilized, and he went back to being a honest pirate.

George staff meetings

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
Every morning, the captain held an all-hands-on-deck staff meeting.
He’d go over important things and ask for input.
But every time a pirate suggested anything, the captain shot that pirate down.
Literally. The captain drew his flintlock pistol and shot the pirate, and they fell down dead.
One pirate raised his hand. “Might I suggest that you stop shooting us when we talk?” he said.
“That’s an interesting thought,” said the captain. “Let me think about it while I reload.”
The captain finished reloading, and shot that pirate, too.

George and Zorro

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He made a point of stealing only from the wealthy, and then he’d give away all that he’d stolen to the poor.
George got a patronizing letter from Zorro that fully supported his generous nature.
“Let me know if you ever raid the seacoasts of Mexico,” wrote Zorro. “We’ll have a drink.”
George made a point to frequently steal supplies from warehouses owned by Diego de la Vega, Zorro’s real identity.
George then gave the supplies to the poor, stealing credit from Zorro.
“You’re a real dick,” wrote Zorro.

George people skills

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
So when the captain promoted him to Assistant Manager, the rest of the crew were all furious.
“George may not have basic pirate skills,” said the captain. “But he’s got people skills.”
The captain went back to his cabin, put his feet up on his desk, and waited for the crew to hang George.
Instead, they beat down his door, dragged him to the deck, and threw a rope around his neck.
“George should be captain,” said the crew.
“People skills,” grumbled the captain, as they hoisted him up.

Weekly Challenge #992 – PICK TWO Castle, Rules, Root, Naked in the snow, A pillow

The next topic is Star Wars

LISA

Opening Night

After centuries keeping marauders out the drawbridge was lifted and Castle Rock Hotel was finally open for business. The battle to turn the Castle into a hotel had been a long one and after extensive remodelling the Charm and character of a period property had been retained. It was so sympathetically modernised the National Trust heralded the project as a masterwork. They’d got rid of mice, woodworm and damp to ensure a warm welcome for guests. Doors, Floors and radiators had been silenced to ensure a good night’s sleep for its patrons so the first review hit hard: ‘Uncomfortable Pillows’.

RICHARD

— When You Gotta Go —

How would you like to go?
Personally, I’ve no interest in the usual boring ways. Forget the sudden heart attack, catastrophic stroke, or the Big C, those aren’t for me.
And let’s not go down the route of car accidents, or anything of that sort – just too messy… I want to be recognisable after I’m gone!
So, what does that leave us with?
A pillow over the face. And I trust that when the time comes, you’ll do the job?
If not, I guess I’ll resort to Plan B:
You’ll find me frozen solid one morning, naked in the snow.

LIZZIE

The rules are clear. No pillows, no napping, no jackets.
But it’s snowing.
Yes, so?!
So, it’s cold.
The root of the problem is that people are too squirmish; toughen up!
Toughen up, toughen up; my feet hurt, and besides, why no pillows?
Find your way to the castle.
And why no jackets?
Weapons, you could hide them.
And why no napping?
Because… all these questions.
Well, yes, you have a nice warm jacket; and the rules make no sense; the castle is in ruins.
OK, you can have a pillow.
You know what, get lost, you and your bloody rules.

SERENDIPIDY

Find yourself a good, young, fresh human being. Nice firm flesh, and without blemish, preferably still warm.
Pick a dark winter night to perform the ritual, somewhere bleak and remote and, at midnight under a full moon, bury them deep, naked in the snow.
Utter the prayer of making in the ancient language and perform the sacrifice, spilling blood upon the ground.
Then wait.
In the fullness of time, the corpse will begin to take root; drawing new energy from the fertile earth below.
And, come the spring thaw, you can plant your carrots there and have a bumper harvest!
TOM

Rath

Rath was a pheasant … wait he was a Peasant. And as peasant go an extraordinaire peasants. Wait he was extra at being ordinaire. Rath held Fidelity to his lord. Which ment he did the work and the lord got his daily bread out of the deal. So what did Rath get out of the deal. Well protection from hordes of housemen who used peasants for target practice. A serious plus there. E-ticket to tall castle; good. A system of rules set in stone for generations. One man got everything, one man not, because he who has the castle rules.

NORVAL JOE

Billbert flew to the Withybottom mansion. In the dark of night, it appeared like an abandoned castle in the Scottish wilds. Circling the building, he found a third-floor room with the lights on.

He peered through the window and saw Mandi sitting on the end of her bed, clutching a pillow. He tapped the glass.

Mandi jumped and ran to the window, opening it.

Billbert held onto the windowsill for balance.

She looked at Billberts hands. “You probably shouldn’t touch that. John has had me locked in my bedroom for a week, and I haven’t had access to a bathroom.”

PLANET Z

Mario laughed as the giant creature fell into the lava lake. All he had to do now is get the princess out and collect his reward. Except, the towns people said that the woman was not their princess. Their princess was actually in another castle. Mario growled. Then who the fuck is this bitch? He said. The towns people had no idea. Woman said that she was from a land pretty far away, and she’d need some money to get back home. Mario said he’d cover the ride, but it would cost her. She couldn’t shit straight for a week.

George toasts

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He bought a toaster, put it next to his bunk, and pushed down the button.
It popped back up, but there was no toast.
He pushed the button again and again, but it kept popping up without producing any toast.
The captain patted George on the shoulder.
“It would help if you put bread in it to toast.”
George smacked himself on the forehead. “Right!”
He put in two slices of bread and pushed down the button.
It was too bad there wasn’t anywhere to plug the toaster into.

George the Adam

“George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.”
Adam Sandler looked over the script, flipped through the pages, and threw it at his agent.
“What is this shit?” said Adam.
“It’s about a pirate who’s not really good at being a pirate,” said his agent. “He does all kinds of funny and goofy shit.”
Adam frowned. “It’s fucking retarded. How the hell is that gonna get me an Oscar?”
“Mind if I take a look?” said Rob Schneider.
“Sure, Rob, go for it,” said Adam.
A year later, Rob won the Oscar.
And Adam fired his agent.