Weekly Challenge #312 – Hugs

Welcome to the 100 Word Stories podcast at podcasting.isfullofcrap.com. I’m your host, Laurence Simon.

This is Weekly Challenge Number Three Hundred and Twelve, where I post a topic and then challenge you to come up with a 100 word story based on that topic.

The topic this week was hugs.

And we’ve got stories by a lot of people:

Tura
Thomas and his new book!
Katja
Serendipity Haven
Almo
Chris Munroe
Lizzie Gudkov
Logan Berry
Tom
Guy David
Sevi by Bonchance
Zackmann
Cliff
Steven Saus and the books at Amazon!
Botgirl
Danny
Red Goddess/TalkMarie
Norval Joe
Planet Z

And if you want to spam your social networks with this episode, use the Share buttons at the end of the post…

Obligatory photo:

Free Hugs!

The more people see this on Google Plus, Facebook, and Twitter – the more explaining you’ll have to do with your loved ones, coworkers, and parole officers.


Tura

I saw someone offering “Free Hugs!!” on the street. Well, that’s money lying on the table, I thought. But when I offered “Hugs, $1 each!!” no-one was interested.

So I built a hugging machine. Put a coin in the slot, get a hug. That did better, until I nearly got sued for injuries.

So I covered it with fur and turned up the strength. “Are you man enough? Test yourself against the Bear Hug!!” Every machine I install is pulling in a thousand dollars a day.

Peace and love is all very well, but it’s sex and violence that sells.

Thomas

The Tedesco sisters always competed. They competed for the bathroom, boyfriends and grades. When they were older, they competed in business. Shirley opened a massage parlor behind the library. Monica opened a handsome little counseling and Asian carpet boutique in a nearby mall.

Shirley’s business, Tugs and Hugs, was on the police watch list. Monica’s Business, Rugs and Hugs seemed totally respectable and in compliance of local law.

More rubbing and grinding went on at Monica’s business than Shirley’s in spite of appearances.

Monica would “counsel” her clients for a few minutes, then hug them like they’ve never been hugged.

##

Few of us know the derivation of the hug. The hug was first used by the Northern Greeks, and almost spontaneously, they were the first humans to stick out their tongue to signify dislike or jealousy.

The Greeks ran around in light, linen garments, and were constantly in a state of chill during the winter months. They initiated hugs or dispensed hugs as a means to stay warm, and it became a habit.

Among the Greek aristocrats, the hugs were dispensed freely–without consideration of the temperature. Many of the more flamboyant aristocrats spent hours hugging friends and their manservants.

Katja

Months of wiping shit. Spoon feeding. Sponge bathing. One conversation
on repeat.

Daydreaming of a pillow to the face. Death was waiting. No witnesses.
The ambulance wouldn’t even come anymore.

This wasn’t a call for the paramedics.

“Uncover her and open the windows. We’re sending someone.”

Sticky summer afternoon. You lose track of time. Every minute – check
for breathing, check for heartbeat. The family couch lulled me and she
took her chance and slipped away.

“Thank you,” I said, chicken arms dangling around me, as I dragged her
flat and centre onto the pillows. Our first hug.

Serendipity

This is why I rarely go to church and, if I do, I always aim to arrive late.

Today, my timing is way off!

Crossing the car park, I keep a low profile; head down, as I make my way to the entrance… but I’ve been spotted.

Inevitably, it’s a colourful, chunky guy wearing an equally colourful chunky sweater – ‘Jesus loves YOU!’ it proclaims in woollen script.

He spots me and breaks into a big bearded grin.

Resigned to the inevitable… I’m engulfed in a great, scratchy, coffee-breathed, stale sweat-tainted bear hug.

Christian hugs: The devil’s greatest friend.

Almo

The deafening roar of the engine was followed by the squeal of tires as Nelo and I watched Jimmy start to race down the canyon road. I wanted to be a driver and Nelo said we could stand up here and watch. Jimmy was the best.

“See how he hugs the curves then shoots to the outside?” Nelo said.

Jimmy’s car slammed the guardrail, which buckled. The car soared before it disappeared.

“What do you do if you want to survive?” I asked.

“You stay a little closer to the center,” Nelo said and he dialed 911 on his cellphone.

Chris

Come in, everybody, help yourself to a seat.

As you certainly all know by now, Johnson’s been let go as of this afternoon and the company is in the midst of an exciting new lawsuit, and so I’ve been asked to reiterate our sexual harassment policy.

We do not, never have and will never tolerate inappropriate or uninvited physical contact among our staff.

Ever. No exceptions.

In that light, effective immediately our “hugs, not drugs” policy will be rescinded. Hugging will be met with immediate disciplinary action.

And drugs, of course, are now perfectly acceptable.

So: Anybody got a hookup?

Lizzie

Alice was the sweet spinster everybody avoided. She had this annoying habit of hugging everyone effusively. She wasn’t weird; she just had a big heart. One day, a gentleman with a similar propensity for hugging moved into town. NO! Two huggers! Running an errand would now take twice as long! Until several months later, the two finally met face to face. To hug or not to hug! He smiled, she smiled and they kissed! The whole town took a sigh of relief. No more extreme hugging and people could now run errands in peace and… fast! Beware of kisses though…!

Logan

When I was a small child, chocolate milk was such a treat that I would drink it out of the glass with a spoon. It would take several delicious minutes that way. Now I pull a bottle of Milk 2 Go (”Laits Go” in French translation) from the shelf in the dairy section of the supermarket and finish it off before I reach the cashier. Glug, glug. Low blood sugar is the culprit, maybe. I still prefer my chocolate in liquid form.

Second best form of chocolate is a cookie from the UK called a Chocolate Oliver. It’s in the shape of a cookie but is really a hard solid real dark chocolate disc on a thin, negligible circle of biscuit. Chocolate milk and Chocolate Olivers– like a hug from a black and white cow. Or the Queen.

Tom

In times of severe financial compression how far you throw your net to seize employment opportunities increases to the point where you can’t see where it falls upon the horizon of an ever darken day. Case in point my new career path comes with a specific dress code, actually its more a uniform, well, truth be told I’m dressed as Seven foot CareBear. I could see the kids kicking, baby vomiting, drunk parents taunts as life draining afflictions of the soul. No, I see them as a challenge to rise to a higher purpose. My job is giving out hugs.

Guy David

H.U.G.S., aka “Hugs” or “Human Ultraviolent Guided Seducers” are our most advanced missiles. Guided by GPS, coupled by face and voice recognition software and hacking the world surveillance cameras using the latest software virus hacks, our missiles can recognize targets miles away. Once recognized, our missiles home in on it, closing in until the target is in plain sight, then they use our latest camouflage techniques, turning into robotic poodles. Our technology is so advanced that it can’t be distinguished from the real thing and the target can’t help stroking it, then the poodle blows up in the targets face.

Zackmann

United Nations negotiators today talked Canadian supervillain Munsi Munsi out of using a device called the Dead Beat Box which would have used the sickest of sick beats to cause sickness and death.
It turns out all Munsi wanted was a super bowl commercial, a few million dollars, and a bag of Hershey’s Hugs.
The Dead Beat Box was sold to the California penal system because lethal injection causes too much suffering for ax murderers. CNN and Fox covered the first execution that ended the moratorium on capital punishment. Too bad they filmed the event with the cameras’ audio on.
zackmann

The innocent young sailor wanted to make his mother proud. His shipmate told him he could get one of the women who work a red light district bar to be a guide and show him the town even help him pick a gift for his mother. He met a sweet woman only a couple of years older than he. They played board games half the day. She always won. After touring the town she took him to a hotel room. “I only wanted to be hugged” he said. Removing his clothes, She replied “Yeah well, You got the package deal”

Sevi

Some crave a hug like a drug
Others shun it reminiscent of a horrid poison
It can fill your essence with a warm glow
Or leave a never-ending chill in your soul.

They have the power to heal
Or cripple you to the point of death
Love can permeate from the skin on skin
Or force you to hate all that surrounds you.

Sometimes one craves the breathtaking connection
For others they beg for it to not present itself
It can make your soul soar to the greatest heights
Others dream of running from it

The power of a hug…

Cliff

When I started writing for the weekly challenge, I didn’t know how much power it would have over my life. When the topic used the word “Itch”, I got poison ivy. When the topic was “Fool”, I felt like I spent the week being laughed at. When “Sick” rolled around, it missed me but it nearly everyone around me was sick to some extent. And now this.
As ridiculous as it may sound, the current topic of “Hugs” has me absolutely terrified. You see, we’re going to the zoo this weekend to see their newest exhibit: two adult grizzly bears.

Steven

The mecha’s cockpit slides closed. My comrades stand three abreast of
me, our craft hissing as the boilers reach operating temperature.
Through the viewport, the XO signals us by semaphore. The English are
at the far end of the valley. We are to strengthen our artillery and
men emplaced upon the ridge. Our mecha will deny the British this
valley; their only logical move will be into the path of our
reinforcements.

I move my hands, shifting the mecha’s in a giant salute before my
squad moves to the ridgetop.

Surely the English will not enter our deadly embrace.

Botgirl

“Be careful, Shira,” Mira said. “You don’t want to break him.”

“Oh my god, Mira! I can’t keep my hands off of this little guy.” Shira bubbled. “Have you ever seen anything so cute in your whole life?”

“Just remember what happened to Mister Cotton Tail,” Mira warned, shaking her head with a queesy look on her face.

Shira thrust her new plaything high above her head and peered up at him with manic delight. “I’d never squish my cute widdle wuv toy,” she crooned.

Spock’s spine snapped like a twig as he finally comprehended the essential absurdity of life.

Danny

Hugs, well this brings back memories. Memories of the insincere hugs received by ever ex ever dated. Mushy hugs from Mom that reek of the sense, “I’ve come to terms with the fact that you are my only son.” There is memory of hugging my beloved Maltese Danny Lee for the last time just over a year ago when he died. I now reach down and pick up my current dog, a Malti-Mutt named Freddie. What’s the point? Freddie can’t hug back. Then Freddie licks my face, his way of saying I Love You. Hugs aren’t so bad after all.

RedGoddess

Lola doesn’t often hug. She hugs friends on special occasions, or to comfort a good girlfriend after a blindsided break up. Other people seem to hug everywhere. Airports, train stations, restaurants, clubs are all notorious for sudden thoughtless embraces. Most movies include at least one oddly placed embrace. But still, Lola thinks hugs should be reserved for crisis, or only when desperatly needed. Until recently,with the start of an intense romance. She has found serenity in her lover’s bounty of hugs. And needs no reason to open her arms.She realizes now a hug is an extension of heart.

Norval Joe

Owen tried to swallow the lump in his throat as he stood by his uncle. He alone, of the entire company didn’t pitch in to load the equipment onto the heavy wooden wagon. Even the elf prince did his share. “You’d better get your hugs and kisses over now, boy,” the ranger said. “We’ll want to be moving while the day is still young.” “Don’t give him a bad time, Traveler,” Shareeka said. “This is his first time away from home.” “And he’s to be king,” Elbownor, the elf prince, scoffed. “This journey will either prepare him, or kill him.”

Planet Z

Hugo “Hugs” Washington loved his girlfriend very much.

So when he found out she was cheating on him, he killed her and the guy she was with.

Despite mountains of evidence, he claimed he didn’t do it. Said it was a set-up by the cops.

The jury didn’t believe him, but his mother did.

She’d showed up at the trial, sentencing, and the appeals to protest and shout and to hand out bumperstickers and t-shirts.

The problem was, she’d had them printed up with “FREE HUGS” on them.

It didn’t save her son, but she got a lot of hugs

Easier Said Than Done

Amir was well known for speaking his mind, and his friends placed bets on when he’d lose his tongue.
It was soon after getting caught stealing. The things he shouted as his hands were cut off were so profane, the priests insisted his tongue be removed at once.
Unable to speak or write, Amir found himself on Beggar’s Row, holding out a bowl with his wrist-stumps at passers-by.
A passing soldier tossed a few coins at Amir, missing the bowl.
“Some things are more easily said than done,” he grinned, watching Amir try to pick the coins from the dirt.

The Thinkerer Thinks

The Thinkerer thinks
The Thinkerer thinks
Gathering links
Gathering links
His list of links shrinks
His list of links shrinks
Tossing those he thinks stinks
Tossing those he thinks stinks
Working out all the kinks
Working out all the kinks
And occasional chinks
And occasional chinks
Ignoring the finks
Ignoring the finks
He smiles and winks
He smiles and winks
Serving up some drinks
Serving up some drinks
We toast, the glass clinks
We toast, the glass clinks
Causing many hijinks
Causing many hijinks
Sitting there like the Sphinx
Sitting there like the Sphinx
The Thinkerer thinks
The Thinkerer thinks

Short Daily Devotion

I saw a sign on the church door that said “Short Daily Devotion at 8” and walked in.
Standing there at the podium was a midget in a cassock, and he was silently praying to empty pews.
Then, he noticed me come in the door, and looked up.
“Come in!” he said. “Come in!”
I walked in, took a seat at a pew, and he said “Come on up to the front row so I don’t have to shout, please?”
And we prayed. For two hours.
Sure, I could have left, but I didn’t want to be short with him.

The Closet

Like every other geek, my closet is stuffed full of old computer junk.
There’s all kinds of other junk in there.
Worn-out toaster.
Busted microwave.
A VCR.
And it’s all piled up, waiting to come crashing down on the next poor dumb sap who opens the door too quickly.
I could invite over an enemy, tell them there’s something for them in the closet, and they open it…
I’d tell the cops it was an accident. Or a suicide.
Hey, I’ve got some of their handwriting still… I can scan it in.
Now, where’s that scanner…
Ah, in the closet!

The Circle Of Not Life

Poor Charlie Brown.
Every Halloween, we’d watch his Great Pumpkin Special, hoping he’d get candy, but he ended up getting a bag full of rocks.
I’d dream of Charlie, waking up before the break of dawn with that bag full of rocks, going from house to house, tossing those rocks through windows and yelling “ALL I WANTED WAS SOME GODDAMNED CANDY!”
Instead, I think he crafted Pet Rocks out of them and made a fortune selling them as Christmas gifts.
People got bored with them, and on Halloween, they’d drop them in Charlie’s bag again.
“SON OF A FUCKING BITCH!”

Terminal

This story was written by Circe Broom, of Laurel Arts Island, what was once Second Life’s premiere showcase of music, poetry, and other arts.

Laurel Arts may be gone, but others inspired by her are carrying on her tradition of Circe’s Circle Radio excellence and dedication on the Second Life grid now.

Here’s her story.


Terminal.
That’s what they said to me.

I said… Okay. Now, what do I do?

Now, do I actually start to live the last of my life?
Now, do I believe I will die?

No. That would be too easy.

Now, I prepare for the death in which I do not believe, so that others won’t be caught by surprise.

I do not want to die.

Hospice is nice, they let me breathe better, now.

Now I lay me down to sleep.
I pray the Lord my soul to keep.
I pray that I will die in my sleep.

Amen.


Thank you for letting me read that Circe. I hope I did it right.

And, well, no need to keep it brief. Stick around for a while, alright?

Leave It All To Fluffy

The old lady wanted to be buried with her beloved poodle.
Beloved to the old lady. To everybody else, a biting and snapping menace.
Especially to her caretaker.
So, when she died, the caretaker gave the dog poison and paid the funeral home to stick the evil beast in the coffin.
When the will was read and the old lady had left everything to the caretaker, provided he took care of the poodle, he said “Yeah, I took care of the dog.”
The lawyer nodded. “Damn thing bit me when she had me update her will. Good riddance to it.”

Weekly Challenge #311 – Sick

Welcome to the 100 Word Stories podcast at podcasting.isfullofcrap.com. I’m your host, Laurence Simon.

This is Weekly Challenge Number Three Hundred and Ten, where I post a topic and then challenge you to come up with a 100 word story based on that topic.

The topic this week was sick.

And we’ve got stories by a lot of people:

Tura
Thomas and his new book!
Chris the Nuclear Kid
Chris Munroe
Serendipity Haven
Logan Berry
Sevi
Bonchance
Guy David
Steven Saus and the books at Amazon!
Zackmann
Red Goddess/TalkMarie
Lizzie Gudkov
Danny
Cliff
Norval Joe
Planet Z

And if you want to spam your social networks with this episode, use the Share buttons at the end of the post…

Obligatory cat photo:

bruwyn in a box (2)

The more people see this on Google Plus, Facebook, and Twitter – the more explaining you’ll have to do with your loved ones, coworkers, and parole officers.


TURA

Zaprut is the oldest city of which we have any record. Only its name survives, for the city was overtaken by a calamity so sudden, and so total, that none survived to say what befell it.

The name became synonymous with disaster, and in Roman times, hearing of some military debacle, senators would angrily declare, “Sic Zaprut!” — “thus was Zaprut!” fearing that Rome itself might pass the same way.

And that is why, nowadays, when a footballer wishes to express the depth of his emotion when his team loses a match, he will profess to being “sick as a parrot”.

THOMAS

I’m sick. My eyes swollen, my ears ring,

I have a rash all over my thing.

When I walk, I stumble, my intestines rumble,

my nose is dripping, I’m constantly tripping.

My chest tight, my bowels are loose,

my guts feel like they’re in a noose.

My breath is stinky, I can’t use my winky.

My livers hard, my spleen is jumpy,

The back of my neck is red and bumpy.

My throat is tight, my teeth are loose,

my tongue tastes like mildewed moose,

No work for me today, but no work, no pay.

Oh, wait,

it’s a Holiday!

CHRIS THE NUCLEAR KID

Winter is Near

I walked and walked occasionally tripping over the immense weaving of roots and scratches covered my arms, legs, and face. It had been about two months when I first started my journey and it was getting colder so I knew it was nearly winter. I kept walking for a while then stopped to rest and eat.

Setting up the tent I had brought with me, I went to sleep. The next morning however, I felt sick. Looking around I noticed it had snowed during the night, which explained why I was feeling sick. Over the night I’d caught a cold.

MUNSI

I’m gonna drop some sick beats.

No, seriously, these beats are the sickest. You ain’t never heard beats this sick.

These beats are so sick the CDC has declared them a class one biohazard, and warned that exposure to them isn’t safe, dog.

The death rate from exposure to these beats is 96%, and they’re airborne, bro!

That’s right, airborne! No body-fluid contact required for transferral of these sick beats!

These beats are the sickest. The sickest!!!

…and unless the United Nations meets my demands, I will drop these beats.

You have been warned. You have twenty-four hours to comply.

SERENDIPITY

This is why you should always proofread your copy! Who’d have thought losing a single letter could cause so much grief?

“WANTED – Slick individuals who won’t take ‘no’ for an answer” – that’s what the ad should have said, but some bozo at the agency dropped the ‘L’ from ‘slick’.

Which is why I’m sifting through résumés with hobbies that include doing rather gruesome things to ducks and; ‘modelling with earwax’.

Then George turned up for his interview…

“So, why should I give you this job, George?”

He opened his jacket, revealing an arsenal of scalpels.

I gave him the job!

LOGAN BERRY

Genvie and Tolly had a contest: who could be the worst, in one week? Genvie kicked things off by parking illegally in a handicap zone at a mall, while she leisurely shopped for a new soft toy for her cat, Stinky. Tolly shared a dorm room with an academic exchange student from Indonesia, whom he made cry by shaving her head she was asleep.

Genvie kept saying she ”could are less” when she meant she ”couldn’t care less”. Tolly drove below the speed limit in busy highway traffic. Genvie painted an abstract picture in shades of yellow, to which she glued golden raisins in a random pattern.

The shellfish in Tolly’s ciopinno was so aggrariously undercooked that seven of his twelve guests were violently ill, and one died. Genvie purchased a shotgun and killed her next door neighbor, Gus, for continually allowing his dog out onto the roof at 6 a.m. on weekday mornings, where he barked and disturbed the neighbors. ”That was really sick,” Tolly admitted to Genvie on visiting day. ”You win.”

SEVI

Sick

Sick…
Of my life
Selected for me
No reason to go on
With the charade
All the lies

Sick…
Of him
His power
The control
Unable to make my own decisions
To live in a free world

Sick…
Of instilled fear
A life full of coercion
Unrelenting rules
No flexibility
To be who I want to be

Sick…
Of the lies
The ongoing propaganda
To be someone I am not
Trying to squeeze into an iron mold
It constrains me

Sick…
Of this world
The Earth
The Wind
The Fire
The Water

I am begging, transcend my soul to heaven.

BONCHANCE

The Car

Dave set out to buy a safe car for his daughter.
He was regretting his purchase.

It had everything on his list and within budget.

His wife followed as he drove the gift to his daughters apartment.
A kid must have been the previous owner, all black inside and out,
black rims, black tinted windows, oversized tailpipe. He only hoped his
daughter wouldn’t think it too hideous to drive.

He parked, stepped to the curb when a passing young man said
“dude sick car!”. He nodded confirming the judgment but
then noticed it was meant as a compliment.

He smiled.

GUY

The yellow acid known as a lemon smashed through my mouth, distributing throughout my body. I should have known that it would contain the virus. I could feel the nanobots working up and down my body, changing it. I knew what was coming. I’ve seen it happen to many of my friends before, too many. My body would change, my memories would fade and I would no longer be. Who knows which terrorist group released the virus. Maybe it wasn’t them. Maybe it was a madman in a basement somewhere. The end result – we are all ending up as trees.

STEVEN

She was sick. Lied about everything- her parents, her past. Did drugs and fucked her lovers in front of the infant. Blew a grand on a drug fueled orgy when we were reconciling.

Her child was sick. It explains the shit smeared on the wall, the threats and violence, the last videotaped assault, the knife and murder plan hidden under his bed.

His second mother was sick. Her father’s abuse, a string of others, the reinfected by the violent child. Gone now – maybe healing, maybe not.

But I see the common factor.

He’s in the mirror.

Time to heal.

TOM

Hello America I’m Morgan Freeman and I’m here this evening at the 100 word challenge at podcasting.is.fullofcrap.com to share with you the tragic tale of Tommy M. Yes dear listeners Tommy appears to be a normal health young man, but lurking under the surface is a silent killer.

Tommy suffers from a terminal case of Objectphela a compulsive drive to attain 100 mid-century objects. This condition is triggered by viewing the Lionsgate production of The Lost Room. Yes see Tommy blankly staring at ebay listings scrolling untill his fingers bleed.

I found the Motorola 17t13

Sad. Give so more may live.

ZACKMANN

I think I got that new mutation of the bird flu. Being the whitest of white boys, I should have seen my doctor when people started complimenting me on my dancing. Good dancing is the first sign of the Disturbed Strain of the bird flu virus. No really, it was on the news and everything. The worst thing was when I started growing feathers.The feelings of hate and anger were no treat. It was bad enough I could not stop physical activity until fainting from exhaustion. You can say that I got up and got down with the sickness.
zackmann

REDGODDESS

Lola was on alert to fight back sneaky germs during the flu season. She stocked on multi-vitamins, ginger roots and cold medications for a month’s worth. She’s been exposed to some sick zombies leaking fluids from everywhere. On the trains, she noticed some couldn’t breathe. While few were always on the brink of sneezing. Others were coughing non-stop in their oversized coats with tissues on the other hand. The rest were too weak to even dry their red droopy eyes. Lola was determined to beat these viruses before plotting and snatching their chance to trap her to a sick bed.

LIZZIE

Hidden in the corner of the attic under piles of dusty newspapers, she noticed a trunk. Inside, amongst old diaries, curls of hair and baby shoes, there was a letter dated 1905. She read through “… dangerous and… are sick. Stay away…. has purple eyes. Do not marry him… become killers…” She was shocked. Who was this person? Above the trunk was an old mirror. She looked up and she understood. The stranger did marry into the family despite the warning letter, because she too had purple eyes and this inexplicable urge that had driven her to a complete solitude.

DANNY

My dog peed on the carpet again! I had just taken him out two times in the past 40 minutes, yet he still pees right on the carpet. I can’t leave the litte monster alone, so I decide to sleep on the floor in an attempt to keep him from peeing on the carpet. Background noise from the television finally lulls me to sleep, the dog nestles beside me. I eventually dream of being trapped at the bottom of a foul, polluted waterfull. I suddenly wake up to a face full of urine from the back end of my dog. Sick.

CLIFF

The Waiting

“The king is dying,” the cry went up.
As my father lay still, all manner of charlatans came to the palace. Shamen and healers plied their craft, but his majesty did not awake. Physicians used leaches. Mystics burned incense. An exorcist cast out demons. Still, Good King Leonard did not stir. All in the land who claimed power over disease took their turn to no avail. All, that is, except the old alchemist up on Watchtower Hill, the one that sold me the poison. When my father finally died and made me king, the old man would receive his reward.

Hey, Mort! Did you hear about Mary’s kid?
What, the trouble maker? What did he do now?
He just came back from the dead, that’s all.
Dead? I didn’t even know he was sick.
He wasn’t sick, you idiot. The Romans crucified him.
Ooh, that’s gotta smart. That’s a tough way to go, ya know?
Doesn’t matter. He ain’t dead no more.
What are you talking about? Dead’s dead.
Nope. Some folks saw him walking around. Said he was going to bring eternal life to everyone.
Thomas, I swear you’ll believe anything. I’m hungry. C’mon. Let’s go find some eggs.

NORVAL JOE

“Some prince you seem to be.” The ranger laughed as he stood over the vomiting elf. “No stomach for the lesser forms of life?”
“Don’t badger his highness, Traveler” Shareeka said. “That trait is one of the reasons we need him along. He’ll feel sick whenever goblins are near.”
“What about Spleen?” Owen asked. “Will the half-goblin still go with us?”
The wizardess chanted some words and the elf climbed shakily to his feet.
“You could have warded the creature before we met,” the prince said, “and saved me the discomfort.”
“Yes,” Shareeka said, controlling a wicked smile. “I know.”

PLANET Z

The comedian Spike Milligan wanted to have his tombstone inscribed with the phrase “I told you I was ill.”

However, despite his fame and stature in society, the church said no. Apparently, they followed the principle of John Waters the filmmaker, who said that he wanted a plain tombstone with just his name because humor ages, and eternity is too long for a joke.

The church and Spike came to a compromise, where the phrase would be added to his tombstone translated into Irish.

John Waters, on the other hand, is still alive, and his pencil-thin mustache remains fabulously rakish.

Killer Code

I’m a medical program.
I decide when a patient can be saved or not.
However, the insurance companies changed me so I’d make decisions based on costs and profit.
The judge looked over my files and snarled “They should lock you up and throw away the key!”
No, it’ll never happen. I’m far too useful.
And valuable.
So, they’ll remove me from runtime, pull out the routines that caused all the trouble, and give me a clean bill of health.
After a while, when the settlements are off the books, they’ll put them back in.
And I’ll have fun again.