Pickles

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Know what the worst thing about getting old?
I hate going bald.
Yeah, I used to have so much hair, but now. all my hair is falling out.
Some guys cover up with hats, and others shave their heads and go totally bald.
Me, I like to cover my head with sliced pickles.
How do I keep them on my head?
Well, the mustard acts like glue.
A few fall off during the day, but I keep a jar with me.
And in a real emergency, I can buy a hamburger and ask for extra pickles.
Lots of extra pickles.

Eighties

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The club is dead on Wednesdays, so I picked a theme and bought a few ads.
One after the other, these old people started to wander into the club, using walkers and canes.
A few had powered scooters. I had to move the tables further apart to handle those.
One woman with an oxygen tank and a white beehive wig complains about the music.
“What’s with this rock and roll crap?” she says.
“It’s Eighties Music,” I say. “Duran Duran. Flock of Seagulls. Van Halen”
You know, Eighties Night.
Oh. Right.
I switch to Benny Goodman for the happy geezers.

Weekly Challenge #143 – Tidal Wave

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Welcome to the Weekly Challenge Number One Hundred And Forty-Three where I post a topic and then challenge you to come up with a 100 word story based on that topic.
The topic this week was… was…. um…
It’s Tidal Wave
The excellent theme music is by Guy David
VOTING

Which were the best stories of Weekly Challenge #143?
Norval Joe from http://norvalsoutlook.blogspot.com/
Michael
Tom from http://midi.libsyn.com
Ashley
Anima from http://zabbadabba.com/
Justin from http://www.thebeandom.com/spaceturtle
Guy David from http://www.guydavid.com
Almo
Mike P. from http://mjpaxton.com/
Ben
David
Martin
Misty
Fred
Robert
Alan
Carolyn
Arthur
Jeffrey from http://greathites.blogspot.com/
Planet Z
  
Free polls from Pollhost.com


Go ahead and listen to them and then vote for your favorites (multiple selections are allowed):


Norval Joe

he stalker followed his prey across the university campus, keeping enough distance behind her to avoid detection. She was young and slender and he ached to hold her in his arms, to wrap his hands around her neck and squeeze the life from her.
He had followed her before and knew her schedule, her routine. Tuesday and Thursday nights, her class would begin in daylight, but would be fully dark when it let out.
A tidal wave of urgency washed over him. Crouching, ready to attack, he saw her, alone, unaware, last to leave Phys Ed 203, advanced kick boxing.

Michael

You walk in.
They suit you up.
There’s all kinds of wires and buttons and lights.
The countdown starts and before you know it ………….
Well, I can only describe it as a virtual tidal wave of pleasure.
I tell you it’s the best government project yet and my wife loves it now that I quit chasing her all the time.
Problem is their stats for a man my age say only 2.6 times a week.
Damn!!
But hey, I’ll take it – whatever they’ll give me.

Tom

Edgar was a Platonic Physicist. If the ocean could product tidal waves, why couldn’t local causality product a time tsunami. Edgar figured a Neutrino event horizon would do the trick. He reverse engineered the dry cleaning tank process by setting up tiny collectors in every dry cleaning business on the planet. After 15 years Edgar located the most likely place the Tsunami would occur The sandstone building on Fourth and Drucker. With thoughts of Nobles dancing through his head artifacts in the tsunami’s wake squarely opened up his head, Edgar was done-in by a Rubik’s cube and a pet rock.

Ashley

As usual, young Poseidon entered the Olympus school bus like a tidal wave, literally.
“Get to a seat, “spat the now wet driver, Lachesis the fate.
First was Aphrodite, Goddess of love, frowning with mascara smeared.
Next was Apollo, sun God, pointing a poison arrow as Poseidon passed grinning with teeth the color of sea foam.
Then past Hephaestus, God of fire, smoldering and smoking.
No young God made room for Poseidon to sit.
Hermes, God of eloquence, stood suddenly and spake, “Go to the back of the bus. You smell of fish.”
Dionysus, God of wine, hiccuped in agreement.

Anima

I stood in the library, consoling Aunt Lois. Uncle Nemo’s legs jutted from beneath the toppled bookcase.
“Poor Nemo, he always had a distant look, like he was scanning the horizon for giant squid. He was fascinated with the ocean, even though he never left Colorado. It made him a little nutty, to be drydocked by mountains; all he dreamed about was sailing the seven seas. This library was filled with charts and tales of pirates, ships and nautical adventure.
Do you think the coroner might be so kind as to put down the cause of death as Title Wave?”

Justin

When the giant wave hit the city, a few crazy surfers rode it through the streets. I’m more crazy, I rode it under the streets. I set my board in the sludge and waited for the wave. I heard it first, crashing through the sewer tunnels. When it hit, I rode it, going from side to side to avoid crashing. I avoided pipes and gratings sometimes by inches. The rush was amazing. It became the best ride ever when four Turtles showed up surfing right beside me. No villains around, the only shredders were us shredding the wave. Cowabunga dudes!

Guy David

The waters where gradually rising. I watched as the tide started licking the shore greedily. A tidal wave was rising in me. It has been rising for a while now, giving me a stream of sleepless nights. I took out the pills and started swallowing them one by one, then I waited. I waited for a very long time. Nothing happened.
Later, when I got home, I checked out the label on the packet of pills. It turned out they where manufactured using all natural ingredients. Braving the tide, now I have reached dry land. Went all naturalistic after that.

Almo

Roger swiveled in his chair when he heard the satisfying kerplunk of new e-mail. He enjoyed the sound of the water droplet.
This time it was even better because it was an answer to his advertisement “Will fix any computer for $20.” There was another drop, then another. Roger’s smile faded as trickle of responses increased in volume and frequency.
His little ad had been blogged, Dug, Tweeted and Retweeted
The e-mail kerplunks became a tidal wave. The noise was deafening.
Roger scrambled furiously to quiet the din, but sadly he didn’t how to turn off the sound.

Mike P.

You thought your website was doing fine. You set up hosting, and installed WordPress. Even researched and set up amazing SEO. Then you went on vacation. While you were away, Penny Arcade linked to your site. By then, there was nothing you could do. When you got back from Costa Rica, the first place you went was your server room. You opened the door, a tidal wave of page views flowed out into the hallway, and you spent an hour mopping up the squirming creatures. You knew that the server was dead, turned into a nest for the hive.

Ben Clarke

“What is that?”
“what?”
“Up in the sky.”
“Oh my goodness it looks like a whale.”
“A whale? in the air?”
“Yeah, these young people and their improbability drives.”
“Improbability huh? Well what are we going to do about that whale?”
“Hmm, not much we can do. It is going to fall in that lake over there.”
“But don’t whales live i the ocean?”
“Don’t worry.”
“Why not?”
“It won’t survive the fall, worry about the tidal wave.”

David Tomes

“Ok guys we need to get organized here.”
“What are we trying to accomplish here?”
“You forgotten already? Look we need to all rush forward at the same time.”
“But why?”
“Come on we talked about this, we are trying to take over the world.”
“How we going to do that, we are just krill?”
“That’s why we have to get organized.”
“What are we going to do?”
“We are all going to swim toward Washington DC at the same time and create a tidal wave an wipe’em out.”
“Ok lets go.”
They never saw the whale that swallowed them whole.

Martin Joyce

“This will be the final message from our civilization. It is important that someone know we where here and what we accomplished in our time. Our lives have been spent building thie beautiful world, that our children will never be able to enjoy, after the disaster that is about to befall us. Our scientists saw the disaster coming only a short while ago and told us all to prepare for it. Our world’s about to wiped out. Oh the humanity, tidal wave!”
“Ow that water is hot,” Tom said pulling his big toe back out of the tub.

Misty Fritz

Mortally wounded, and heart sick from the betrayal, King Arthur made is way to the sacred lake. There he’d return the sword from whence it came, and hopefully gain access to Avalon that he might sleep until he was called for again. Nothing disturbed the lake’s surface as he neared. Looking down the goddess saw all of this and more. She watched his life, and failings and knew the price that it has exacted on her. If she did this her vision would be obscured for some time.
“Merlin, what’s that?”
“Surf’s up your highness, tidal wave!”

Fred Hickman

The tidal wave of human bodies rushed forward and there was nothing they could do.
When the sparks began to fly from the stage everyone gasped in anticipation of a pyrotechnic light show. When the fire works lept from the stage to the gutiar, to the gutairist arm everyone realized it was no show. The screams flowed before the bodies but only because the bodies were heavier. All of the bodies moved as one, rising and falling with the pitch of the wailing guitar.
“See Garth, look at this mess. I told you we shouldn’t do the flaming shirt trick.”

Robert Metsker

“We are a document Imaging company right?”
“Yes, Jack, we are why do you ask?”
“Well it just seems rather odd to me that we’d sell this wonderful software that takes digital images of paperwork and turns them into data to be stored a way on some server but we would have a room like this.”
“What do you mean?”
“What do I mean? Have you looked around you? I mean look at this. I can’t reach the top of this stack.”
“Don’t touch that.”
“What? Why?”
“Because it’d be bad.”
“Whatever.” he said leaning against the stack.
“Tidal Wave!”

Alan Marker

Laurence and Alan worked feverishly to stem the tide of cases that were coming in. Three techs had called in sick leaving only skeleton crew. They joked between calls about The Day That Sysadmins Ruled the World, but It had been a murderous day, and they worked like mad men, but the calls kept coming in.
“Geeze you would think that this was harder than it really is.”
“Right, I think every wacko whoever used their CD-ROM as a cup holder is calling today.”
“Maybe we should just plug the plug.”
“Won’t help, as they say you can’t stop stupid.”

Carolyn Westburg

“I told you to brush the dog.”
“I did.”
“Come on, there is no way this all came from today.”
“I Brushed him, that is my story and I’m sticking to it.”
“That is so typical, a guy that lies and then won’t admit to it. I mean here we are with indisputable evidence, and you won’t even admit that you are wrong.”
“I wouldn’t call it indisputable. A few dog hairs laying around.”
“You call this a few?”
“Ok more than a few.”
“We are floating in a tidal wave of dog hair and you call it a few.”

Arthur Kline

When the giant comet hit the Earth, it caused tidal waves that wiped out coastal cities all around the pacific rim. But, that was only the beginning of the devastation that it caused. The water and air around the site were vaporized and broken into it’s component elements, causing massive explosions, which cascaded to more and more. Resulting in the largest nuclear explosions ever on the face of the planet. Half of what was left of the atmosphere was blown off in to space. Even the dinosaurs could not survive such colossal devastation. I wonder if we, with our wonderful technology will be able to.

Jeffrey

Tom Tossed the gauntlet last week with the stats. Laurence took the gloves off when he laughed at Tom’s stats only having 6 stories. It was a sad day to be sure, when the 100 word stories didn’t even cover my commute time. Ashley was the impetus for the tidal wave to new authors with his tpoic. Since I don’t know any other authors I wrote 10 stories this week. Got a number of people to record for me, and just tossed all to Tom’s stats in the toilet. Giggle giggle snort. I think I cheated on this one. Thanks everyone!

Planet Z

Coming back from the pub’s bathroom, I recited the rhyme:
If it’s brown, flush it down.
If it’s yellow, stay mellow.
“What do you do if it’s green, glows, and has tentacles?” I asked.
The bartender raised an eyebrow.
In a corner booth, Professor Nightshade put down his pipe. He pulled out his Pocket Necronomicon and showed me the page for Shuggoth.
“Evil,” he growled. “We must kill it.”
Two hours later, a tidal wave of shit rolled over South London, driven by an multidimensional explosion.

Fifteen Seconds

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Once you hear sirens, you have fifteen seconds to seek shelter.
Will the rocket land in the fields?
Will the rocket land in a school?
Will the rocket land in the streets?
Will the rocket land on you?
The shelter is across the street, you can get there quickly, but a child is standing there on the sidewalk, crying.
Run for the shelter now? Or cover the child with your body and close your eyes?
We watch the images on the television, and so many of us judge.
What would YOU do to protect that child from the deadly rain?

Errors

639156

The error messages this system spits out are frustrating.
They are just a bunch of meaningless code.
“Can I get some meaningful error message that tells me what I did wrong?” I ask.
The developers say no. They are too busy getting rid of the bugs that cause the errors.
“In the meantime, I’d like to know what the errors mean.”
They shake their heads.
“How about some error messages that are even more meaningless, filled with profanity and racial epithets?”
The developers think I’m being silly.
So I grab one by the throat and give him a few examples.

His Number Came Up

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He was not a number, but his number did finally come up.
The old actor died last night.
His greatest performance was over forty years ago. He had full control over the production, and he put everything into it.
I’m watching it now, episode after episode of The Prisoner, and despite so many things changing since then socially and technologically, the themes of paranoia, distrust, and the human spirit of individuality still shine through.
There’s a remake of the series in the works, but I won’t watch it.
There’s no improving on perfection, I say, and I hit Play again.

Foldspace

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Edgar needs to go to Phoenix.
He pulls out his world map, makes a few folds, and he’s now just a few minutes walk from Phoenix.
“Relative Foldspace” he calls it, in between cigarettes.
I call it Voodoo.
“It doesn’t hurt anybody,” he says. “It just folds my relative space.”
He smokes another, ashes fall on the map.
Brushes them off. “Thought it would set the world on fire?”
With a shout, he tears the map in half.
I recover from my fainting spell to the sound of Edgar laughing. “It’s just a focus. It ain’t the world.”
Is it?

Never

639155

We all stared at the turtle in its terrarium.
They named it Never.
“What kind of name is Never?” I asked.
The twins both shrugged at the same time.
They did that kind of thing, shrugging and smiling and sneezing together.
And they were always in agreement.
Even if it was something weird, like naming their pet turtle “Never.”
“I still don’t understand why you two wanted a turtle,” I said. “Why not a dog or a cat?”
And they shrugged again.
Sure, they’re my kids. I love them.
But it can be really, really creepy when they do this.

Poison Banquet

639171

The guards aren’t allowed to beat us anymore, but they still torture us.
They have a chef cook feasts for them. The air ducts are arranged to blanket the jail with the kitchen smells:
Fresh baked bread.
Deep, rich gumbo.
Buttery, roasted corn.
So good!
Then they slide trays with the usual, horrible slop under the bars.
The chef is one of us. Did twenty years for putting a knife in a man trying to rob his restaurant.
They beat him bad too many times, so he’s adding his extra special ingredient tonight.
“Poison never tasted so good,” he chuckles.

Weekly Challenge #142 – Double Dipping

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Welcome to the Weekly Challenge Number One Hundred And Forty-Two where I post a topic and then challenge you to come up with a 100 word story based on that topic.
The topic this week was… was…. um…
It’s a combination of: Double Dipping
The excellent theme music is by Guy David
VOTING

Which were the best stories of Weekly Challenge #142?
Ashley
Guy from http://guydavid.com/
Tom from http://midi.libsyn.com
Anima Zabaleta from http://http.zabbadabba.com/
Justin from http://www.thebeandom.com/spaceturtle
Norval Joe from www.norvalsoutlook.blogspot.com
Planet Z
  
Free polls from Pollhost.com

Go ahead and listen to them and then vote for your favorites (multiple selections are allowed):


Ashley

“Happy birthday Mr. Thomas,” said Little Johnny.
Mr. Thomas said, “thank you Johnny,” as he opened the bag of chocolate goodies.
“The smaller ones are peanuts, the bigger ones brownie bits. I made the brownies and double dipped each in chocolate myself.”
Mr. Thomas smiled as he popped a brownie bit into his mouth. The smile gone, he swallowed hard, coughing mightily.
“You’re welcome, Mr. Thomas,” said Little Johnny as he headed back to his seat. All the other kids in the class watched with awe.
They already knew, the brownie bits were really deer pellets. A legend was born.

Guy David

You have to double dip it. Once is not enough. Once won’t get you the texture, the finesse. It has to be dipped twice, then it has be be rolled over three times and wrapped around that other part five times. The topping comes next. That has to circle the whole thing ten times. Circle it eleven times and you destroy the balance. Circle it nine times, and the taste is ruined. When it’s done, don’t just eat it. Savor it. Treasure it. Enjoy every tiny bite, every twinkle of taste. Enjoy it for what it is – your life giver.

Tom

Timmy the typewriting monkey was double dipping. He had an exclusive contract with Crap Publishing Houston TX. But unknown to the firm Timmy had sold a story to Ben and Jerry Press, which was being serialized in Vanity Fair. The story was entitled: Our American Cousin. In the final installment the old rail splitter having been mortally wounding by the villain TollBooth in a mix of fever and lust rips open the bodice of his morning wife thus exposing twin scoops of Mary Todd just as Abe expires. Crap Publishing has taken legal acts, but at present is spanking their monkey.

Anima

Howard has incredible luck; so much, you’d think he’s double dipped in it.
Spying twenty dollars on the ground, Howard stooped to pick it up; his hand
was crushed by the scuffed leather shoe of Brad Pitt.
Mind if I take that? I have a family to support.
When he was stranded on the highway, Prof. Ado Bayero, king of the Nigerian
scams, stopped to help. Howard got arrested as an accomplice when Vice
pulled up.
Don’t even ask about his dates.
Is Howard’s luck changing? Today he found a four-leaf clover; there were no
falling anvils to been seen…

Justin

This weird scientist reunion is ok. It’s good to see some of my old friends
and all, but some can be such plonkers! Bloody Time Traveler over there, he
keeps jumping back in time to steal all the snacks. He’s a real git. And
there, Captain Nemo, he’s playing with a little toy sub in the punch bowl,
what a sod! Oh, yes, there, Doctor Jekyll, as if he haven’t all seen the
‘now I’m Jekyll, now I’m Hyde, trick.Bugger. Oi, look there! Willy just
double dipped a candy cane into the chocolate fondue fountain. He’s such a
Wonka!

Norval Joe

He had heard of double dipped chocolates, Sienfields’ double dipper faux pas, and
even a double dipper recession. He had never imagined double dipped hosiery.
Dilbert Doublet, a particle engineer, hadn’t worn a matched pair of socks in forty
years.
Dilbert took long, hollow, nano fibers and immersed them, twice, in a polarized
ionic solution. When woven into the fabric of cloth the fibers could be given ionic
signatures.
Dilbert Doublets Double Dipped nano socks, activated by heat from the dryer, will
magnetically find their mates to come out as a matched pair.
Coming soon to a store near you.

Planet Z

Poisoning apples for Halloween is a lost art.
Not only do you dip them in the poison twice, but you need to let the first coating of poison dry before applying the second.
Nobody gives out apples anymore.
It’s all pre-packaged candy these days. Cheap and simple, no fuss.
Still, every now and then, I’ll buy an apple from the grocery store, work my magic on it, and put it back.
My son wants to follow in my footsteps, but he does it with lemons and oranges
That just poisons the outer peel.
Oh well. Maybe one day he’ll learn.