Author: R.

Burning Camel

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Some days, I feel like I am burning my camel at both ends.
No, I don’t burn my candle at both ends. I burn my camel at both ends.
Back in college, I had a wooden footstool shaped like a camel.
One day, I got mad and stomped it. The footstool broke in half.
So, we tossed it on the barbecue pit and lit it on fire.
I said “Some days, I feel like I’m burning my candle at both ends.”
Charlie replied “No, you’re burning your camel at both ends.”
Okay, I guess you just had to be there.

Mmm Mmm Blood

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Pierre had the sharpest and fastest knives in any kitchen in Paris.
So it comes as no surprise that when he chopped his finger off while cutting up vegetables for the soup, he didn’t realize he’d done it until he’d dropped them in the pot.
Along with his finger.
By the time the paramedics had arrived, Pierre had passed out and his assistant was keeping pressure on the wound.
Nobody could find the finger, and apparently they didn’t realize he’d put it into the soup.
Know what?
It tastes delicious.
And best of all – he’s got 9 fingers left.

METRO

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Imagine a disgusting, ferocious parasite.
This creature feeds on time, and when it lands on you, it sucks out twenty-five minutes of your life and flies away.
Every day, this creature comes, and no matter how hard you run or scream for it to stop, it keeps coming back.
Again, twenty-five minutes. Gone forever.
Oh, and its owner does nothing about it.
You’d be pissed off, wouldn’t you?
To me, this creature wears a METRO uniform. It is a bus driver who races through his route, several minutes early.
And leaving me behind, waiting twenty-five minutes for the next bus.

Tom Swift and the Amazing Lithium Steamship

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Tom Swift stood at the launching ramp. In minutes, the S.S. Appleton would be christened and sent on its maiden voyage. With ports of call as far apart as Fairbanks, Alaska, and McMurdo Station, Antarctica, the Appleton would make the world’s first Bipolar Cruise.
The ship was a technological marvel, constructed with a pure lithium hull. “A metal so light, it floats!” Tom said, airily.
Smash! went the Champagne bottle. The Appleton slid into the harbor as Tom’s admirers cheered.
With the hull sizzling ominously, Tom realized too late that highly reactive alkali metal was not, alas, good Hull Material.

The Water

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It’s raining again. The power is out, and I can’t find the candles.
I look out the window at the darkness.
There’s leaves and branches in the drain along the street, and the water is backing up.
If it keeps raining like this, the street will flood. Then, the water will crawl up the sidewalk and work its way up to the door.
When the water knocks on the door, I will answer it.
“Hello, water,” I will say. “Welcome to my home.”
The water will glide over the doormat and into my front hall.
I enjoy having guests over.

Fold

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Beads of sweat began to trickle down Ibrahim’s brow. This bothered him. He did not want to appear nervous, but it was stifling in the small room.
His next card skidded across the table. Four of spades, not much help there. He was in too deep to back out now, having jumped into the betting with his pair of pocket aces. Maybe they would be enough…
No, they weren’t. Fuad raised, confident as always. Ibrahim folded: no choice.
He was down to a grimy pair of boxer shorts and an explosive belt. Gaza Strip Poker was not for the faint-hearted.

Sailing To Freedom

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Slaves dream of freedom like the starving dream of food.
I pondered this as I went below decks to check on our passengers.
Well, they were more like cargo, to tell the truth.
The shifting of chains in the darkness. A moan. A shout.
Never singing. They were too sick to sing.
Poor bastards.
Regulations called for a mid-trip survival check, but nobody was crazy enough to walk in the middle of that sea of savagery.
I closed the hatch and asked the navigator: “How much longer?”
“Two days, and we’ll see the Liberian coast,” he said.
And then, freedom.

The Even Wackier Adventures of Abraham Lincoln 1

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Abe said he was feeling ill and unable to join Mary Todd at church.
“Honey, a little religion might make you feel better”, said Mrs. Lincoln
“It will not do to investigate the subject of religion too closely, as it is apt to lead to Infidelity.”
Mary Todd, noticed what looked like Mr. Speed approaching the house furtively through the alley.
“No dear, not today it aint!” replied Mrs. Lincoln as she took her oversized family bible and slammed it between her husband’s legs.
Upon hearing the screams, Joshua Speed, decided maybe he should go to church this particular Sunday.

Ring

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The aptly-named Dr. Isaiah Tusch was, without exception, the most well-regarded proctologist in the entire state. More than a few would have said “the entire country.”
Nobody was more knowledgeable about the Nether Regions of the human body. Nobody could conduct a physical examination more expertly. Nobody could palpate a prostate more professionally. The snap of his gloves as he put them on was like music, and patients queued up outside his waiting room to hear it in their turn.
His hands were his livelihood, and so he insured them: Lloyd’s covered his Ring Finger for a cool thirty mil.

Missing Milk

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Someone stole a milk carton out of my refrigerator.
So, I glued a photo of it to a bunch of children in the neighborhood.
There was a caption, too:
HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MILK CARTON?
It took nine months and two million dollars, but I eventually tracked down my milk carton.
There was no milk left in it when the detectives found it.
Whether its captor had consumed the milk or they had tossed it out because the milk had gone bad, we’ll never know.
But, really, thank God it’s home.
I think I’ll make a boat out of it.