Author: R.

Weekly Challenge #978 – Postal Bomb

The next topic is Cork

RICHARD

— Gone Postal —
It was effectively a postal bomb.
When I opened the letter that dropped through my letter box that morning, I suppose you could say its contents caused me life-changing injuries.
Everything I thought I knew and depended upon was blown to pieces in that moment, trust was destroyed and the shrapnel and fallout from that letter continues to cause me pain and suffering even today.
They say that the pen is mightier than the sword. Never was a truer word spoken.
I burned the letter and cast its ashes into the wind.
But the damage had already been done.

TOM

Fowl play.

Did you know you can send live baby chicks in the post? Yup. CO22 Perishables. C022 describes the normal transit time standards for mailing perishable goods, including live animals, furs, plants, and non-mailable plant pests. Live day-old chickens, ducks, and geese acceptable in the mail only if: The box is properly ventilated, of proper construction and strength to bear safe transmission in the mail, and not stacked more than 10 units high. There was nothing stated about how many chicks can go in said box. I bet you didn’t know closely packed chicks tend to explode. Thus, a Postal bomb.

LIZZIE

Buy the explosives. Don’t tell anyone.
Buy the explosives online. Don’t tell anyone.
Buy the explosives on the dark web. Don’t tell…
OK, how do I get on the dark web?
I could ask that crazy guy who smokes pot all day. No, better not. Perhaps that other one who buys bread on Wednesdays, the one who only wears black. No… The neighbor down the street? Oh, no, not that one, his brother is a cop. Abort, abort. Bad, bad idea.
This is not going well. Think.
OK, easy steps.
Buy envelope. Don’t tell anyone. Avoid Wednesdays, just in case.

SERENDIPIDY

It may be old-fashioned, but it’s simple, precise, effective and – with careful planning – untraceable.
It’s not like it used to be. With modern explosives and techniques, there’s no giveaways, like greasy marks on the packaging or suspect whiffs of almond.
Plus, it’s sort of environmentally friendly! I make mine exclusively using recycled Amazon boxes, and therein lies the key to my success.
We rarely question when an Amazon box is left on our doorstep, it’s probably something we ordered and forgot about.
Or maybe, we’ve struck it lucky, and received something intended for someone else?
Let’s open it now!

LISA

A Bad Day
I’d woken late, couldn’t find my keys, my hair looked crap… you know the days, right? I left the house in a temper and then there was a queue at the Post Office. It snaked around the shop and wasn’t just out the door, it was down the road. I joined it, cursing everyone in front of me before realising I had to go or risk being REALLY late for work.
I got to work and read a news alert on my phone. A bomb, possibly destined for elsewhere, had exploded early.
Nobody in the Post Office made it out.

NORVAL JOE

When they got to school there were papers everywhere like a postal bomb had gone off in the admin building. Teachers and students hurried around cleaning up the mess. Billbert joined in helping as Sabrina stood back and watched.

“What happened?” Billbert asked a teacher.

The school counselor said, “A freak windstorm blew through just as we were unloading a delivery of paper.”

Billbert turned to Sabrina. “Was that you?”

She gave him an embarrassed smile and shrugged.

Then, the counselor saw Sabrina. “Miss Hexaohos. It’s good to see you’re back. I have someone who wants to speak with you.”

PLANET Z

My phone alerts me when Amazon delivers a package, and I rush out to get it before the local porch pirates come around.
The rare times I can’t, three cameras capture the damn pirate and their license plate.
Every now and then, I’ll leave a box out there with a glitter bomb in it.
When the pirate opens the box, they’ll get blasted with skunk spray and glitter and glue.
I thought about a real bomb, but one day I mistook one of my own glitter bombs for a real package.
It took five showers to wash it all off.

George’s union

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
His job was on the line, so he did what any sensible uneducated manual laborer does in such a circumstance.
“We should unionize,” George told his shipmates. “We need better wages, working conditions, health care, and retirement benefits!”
The crew discussed this, and then voted for a strike and threw down their cutlasses.
Even the parrot was on strike, demanding higher-quality crackers.
Eventually, the captain agreed.
But the next time when treasure shares were distributed, everyone got even less.
“Union dues,” grinned the captain. “Now get back to work!”

George relief effort

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
After a hurricane hit Port Royal, George asked his fellow pirates for donations to the relief effort.
The pirates handed over extra clothes, food, and medicine to George.
George dropped the supplies off at the local church.
“Bless you, son!” grinned the preacher.
The next day, George saw the preacher selling the previous day’s supplies to a merchant.
George drew his sword and killed the merchant and the priest.
That’s when the pirates raided the town, grabbing up the donated supplies.
George dropped his sword, sat down, and wept.

George goes wonky

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
Somehow, he’d sailed the ship along the chocolate river in Willy Wonka’s factory.
“What the shit is this?” growled the captain.
“Not shit,” said George. “Chocolate.”
A wild-haired geek in a purple suit met them at the river’s bank and raised his cane in greeting.
The pirates shot him dead with their flintlock pistols.
“WHAT THE FUCK?” yelled the captain. “CEASE FIRE! CEASE FIRE!”
A gang of orange midgets swarmed the ship, but the pirates finished them off easily.
The pirates grabbed a bunch of candy and raised anchor.

George builds a team

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
Every week, he’d call a meeting of the crew and make them work on team-building exercises.
The team-building exercises usually ended up as ways for the crew to torment George.
They’d make him walk the plank, or they’d keel-haul him.
Or they’d tar-and-feather him and make him cluck like a chicken.
Oddly enough, these team-building exercises made the crew work better together, and they saw lots of productivity gains.
Except for George. Who came out of these exercises exhausted and in agony.
Perhaps he needs more team-building exercises?

George flushes

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He was so awful, he got into a ship battle with the Ty-d-bowl Man and lost badly.
All he had to do was flush, and he couldn’t manage that.
He got all flustered with which way to put the roll of toilet paper on the holder, and he took a broadsides amidships, going down quickly.
When George got a new ship, he cleaned the head with a toilet brush manually.
Somehow, he knocked a hole in the hull with the damned thing, and the new ship sank quickly, too.

George vs The Minotaur

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He ran afoul of the navy of King Minos, and was tossed into The Labyrinth.
“What’s that horrible smell?” muttered George.
The Minotaur, an evil human-bull hybrid, roared in George’s face.
“Ah, that’s what that smell is,” said George. “I think you could use a nice warm bath.”
George drew a bath for The Minotaur, setting out some scented candles and incense to set a relaxing mood.
The Minotaur got in the tub, relaxed, and heaved a deep sigh.
George picked up The Minotaur’s club and brained the beast.

George the expert

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
Malcolm Gladwell says that if you spend ten thousand hours doing something, you’ll become an expert at it.
George thought that by spending ten thousand hours being a pirate, he’d become an expert at being a pirate.
But instead, by spending ten thousand hours of being a not very good pirate, he became an expert at being not a very good pirate.
George hunted down Malcolm Gladwell and confronted him.
Malcolm kicked George in the groin with an expert’s precision.
Apparently, Malcolm had spent ten thousand hours doing that.

George and Columbus

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
Instead of thinking only of treasure, he tried to show cultural sensitivity.
When he stopped three ships heading Westward, he assuming the man was Spanish because he was sailing under the Spanish flag.
“Scusi, my apologies,” said George. “So, about that whole ‘hand over your gold’ thing…”
When the captain said that he was seeking spices from India, George let him go.
A few months later, the same captain was sailing eastward with just a few aboriginal captives.
George felt bad for him that he didn’t get any spices.

George the crash test dummy

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He tended to crash his ship a lot.
Which is why the National Transportation and Safety Board hired George to crash-test ships.
“You’re the expert,” said the government agents. “We asked everyone on the high seas, and you’ve come highly recommended.”
“Well, thank you,” said George.
George took the wheel of a ship that was loaded with all kinds of monitors and sensors, and he steered it towards the rocks…
And completely missed the rocks, ramming into a ship where the government researchers and observers were watching the test.