George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
Instead of plundering and looting, he tended to give things away.
“You didn’t give away the cannons again, did you?” said the captain.
“That would be stupid,” said George.
“Or the cannonballs?” said the captain. “We kinda need those to use in the cannons.”
“Do you think I’m some sort of idiot?” said George.
“Yes,” said the captain. “What about the gunpowder?”
“Oh, come on,” said George. “I’m not doing that again.”
The captain ran down a list of supplies, not noticing that they were adrift without an anchor.
Category: Talk Like A Pirate Day
George’s Special Map
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
The rest of the crew never could figure out why the captain kept George around.
“Maybe he has a treasure map tattooed on his head?” said Rummy Bill.
“Well, then wouldn’t the captain just scalp George and get rid of the rest?” said Old Lefty.
After a few drinks, they decided to shave George’s head.
Surprisingly, George allowed them to do it, and when they were done, they found nothing.
George was relieved they didn’t ask for him to drop his pants to reveal the map on his ass.
George at the Ritz
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
Winds fill your sails, but they can also blow you off course.
Or, in George’s case, into the rocks.
George crawled from the wreckage, shouldered his duffel bag, and walked ashore.
“Where am I?” George asked the couple laying on the beach.
“Fort Lauderdale,” they said. “The hotel is right over there.”
A uniformed man held the door and welcomed George to the Ritz-Carlton.
“How long will you be staying?” asked the concierge.
“Oh, as long as it takes to empty your safe into my bag,” said George, grinning.
George the Dummy
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
“Of course, you’re not, you loser,” said Enrique, George’s ventriloquist dummy. “You’re just a big dummy.”
“Shut up,” said George.
“You’re an even bigger dummy than me,” said the puppet.
“Shut the hell up,” shouted George, throwing Enrique into his footlocker.
George started hearing the voices a few years ago, so in order to make it look natural, he got the dummy and pretended it was a ventriloquist act.
Except that nobody else heard the voices.
Still, the rest of the crew gave the creepy George a wide berth.
George corn
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He wasn’t cost-conscious either.
When most pirates tended to pay a dollar or so for corn, George paid a dollar and a half.
“More than a buck an ear?” growled his captain. “That’s against The Pirate Code, that be!”
“Well, it’s organic,” said George. “And pesticide free, non-GMO.”
George also wore a white filter mask when he went into battle.
“To conceal your identity, right?” said the captain. “You don’t have a bandana?”
“Well, I do,” said George. “But that awful gunpowder smoke is such hell on my allergies.”
George’s Telescope
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
“LAND HO!” shouted George.
“That’s just dirt on the telescope’s lens,” grumbled the captain. He took George’s telescope, wiped the lens, and handed it back.
“Thank you,” said George, and he looked through it again.
“THE FLYING DUTCHMAN!” he shouted. “ALL HANDS AT BATTLE STA-”
“Gimme that!” said the captain, and he took the telescope away.
He looked at the lens.
“It’s a smudge I left when I wiped the lens the first time.”
That’s when the ship hit the rocks.
“I told you there was land,” said George.
George at the beach
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He preferred to spend his day laying on a towel at the beach instead of looting and treasurehunting.
The captain was quite clear with George that beach days were rewards for successful raids, not just something to do on a whim.
Deliberately running the ship aground on a nice sandy beach was a no-no.
And falling overboard to wash ashore on one was certainly out of the question.
George watched the calendar, waiting for that special day…
“Beach Day!” he shouted, leaping overboard.
And landing headfirst on the dock.
George and Helen
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
When they say that Helen of Troy’s was so beautiful that her face could launch a thousand ships, George was responsible for at least half of them sinking.
“You’re going to be more careful this time, right?” said Helen, handing over the keys.
“Yes, ma’am,” said George. “I promise!” said George.
George barely made it out of the harbor before he sideswiped one ship and ramming another, sinking them both.
And, of course, his own ship.
As George swam back ashore, Helen of Troy’s expression was anything but beautiful.
George plays electric football
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He was the pirate equivalent of that electric football game where you arrange plastic figures on a game board that rattles, which moves the figures around.
It’s hilariously fun to watch the first time, maybe the second time.
Unless you take the game seriously. Then, it’s frustrating and stupid.
Eventually, it ends up gathering dust on the shelf, until it’s picked over at a garage sale with a dollar price tag.
George woke up, shook off the dust, and wondered why there was a price tag on his toe.
George the gambling man
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
You’d think that the captain and the crew would have gotten rid of him by now, but George found ways of being useful.
He ran the fantasy football, baseball, and basketball leagues, and he was the one who organized the March Madness brackets.
He also handled the point squares for Super Bowl, World Series, and other major events.
The crew had a lot of fun with all of this.
George kept five percent of each pool, saving up for the day he could get his own ship and crew.