Category: Talk Like A Pirate Day

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
Every morning, the captain held an all-hands-on-deck staff meeting.
He’d go over important things and ask for input.
But every time a pirate suggested anything, the captain shot that pirate down.
Literally. The captain drew his flintlock pistol and shot the pirate, and they fell down dead.
One pirate raised his hand. “Might I suggest that you stop shooting us when we talk?” he said.
“That’s an interesting thought,” said the captain. “Let me think about it while I reload.”
The captain finished reloading, and shot that pirate, too.

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He made a point of stealing only from the wealthy, and then he’d give away all that he’d stolen to the poor.
George got a patronizing letter from Zorro that fully supported his generous nature.
“Let me know if you ever raid the seacoasts of Mexico,” wrote Zorro. “We’ll have a drink.”
George made a point to frequently steal supplies from warehouses owned by Diego de la Vega, Zorro’s real identity.
George then gave the supplies to the poor, stealing credit from Zorro.
“You’re a real dick,” wrote Zorro.

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He bought a toaster, put it next to his bunk, and pushed down the button.
It popped back up, but there was no toast.
He pushed the button again and again, but it kept popping up without producing any toast.
The captain patted George on the shoulder.
“It would help if you put bread in it to toast.”
George smacked himself on the forehead. “Right!”
He put in two slices of bread and pushed down the button.
It was too bad there wasn’t anywhere to plug the toaster into.

“George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.”
Adam Sandler looked over the script, flipped through the pages, and threw it at his agent.
“What is this shit?” said Adam.
“It’s about a pirate who’s not really good at being a pirate,” said his agent. “He does all kinds of funny and goofy shit.”
Adam frowned. “It’s fucking retarded. How the hell is that gonna get me an Oscar?”
“Mind if I take a look?” said Rob Schneider.
“Sure, Rob, go for it,” said Adam.
A year later, Rob won the Oscar.
And Adam fired his agent.

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He came up with all kinds of crazy schemes and plans.
“If we ram ships into the World Trade Center, we can bring them down,” he said.
“Why?” asked the captain. “What would be the point?”
George thought for a moment. “You’re right. It would destroy everything worth looting. It’s just evil.”
George crumpled up his plans and tossed them in the trash.
Later that night, a Muslim crewman dug out the plans, photographed them, and sent them to his cousin Khalid.
“Tell brother Osama about this,” he said.

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
Still, he was a better pirate than all these posers going around saying “YARRRR!” and “SHIVER ME TIMBERS!” on Talk Like A Pirate Day.
It was worse than an Irish pub on St. Patrick’s Day.
All those amateurs drinking green-colored swill. Disgusting.
And if you tried to pinch a pirate for not wearing green on St. Patrick’s Day, they’d run you through with their sword.
A drunk tourist pointed at George and went “ARRRRRRRR!”
George pushed them into the harbor, and we went back to his ship to sleep.

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He’d get completely drunk and crawl into a treasure chest, and then he’d close the lid.
Sometimes, George had to fold himself up really tight, but he took yoga classes and regularly worked on keeping himself limber and flexible.
Then, when his shipmates opened the treasure chest, he’d leap out and yell BOO!
Well, that what he’d hoped to do.
But usually, he’d kinda flop out of the treasure chest and vomit and pass out. You know, because he was so drunk.
Oh, and George got stabbed a lot.

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He watched the news and saw the devastation from the hurricane.
“If you stay, be sure to write your name and social security number on your arm so we can identify your body,” said the mayor.
When they called for rescue boats, George hopped in the ship’s rowboat and did his best to rescue as many people as possible.
“Thank you, George!’ they all said.
“You’re welcome,” said George.
After the rain stopped and the waters receded, George sold all the names and social security numbers to identity thieves.

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He spent very little time pirating and too much time thinking.
He has a lot of bad ideas.
“That would be like trying to change a car engine while you’re driving it down the freeway,” said the captain.
“But we’re in a ship, not a car,” said George. “You can pull down the sails and replace them without much of a problem. Or replace the rudder with another.”
The captain nodded, but pointed at the rapidly approaching British Navy.
“Can you hurry up with the sails and rudder, please?”