Category: Talk Like A Pirate Day

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He had a lot of knowledge about piracy, but it was book knowledge, not experience.
For some things, you need that practical hands-on knowledge and years of experience.
Piracy is one of those. Heck, George even read that in a book.
So, George put the book down, and started to pillage and loot the library.
“SSSSSSHHHHHH!” hissed the librarian.
George apologized, and tried to pillage and loot quietly.
After a while, George became an expert at pillaging and looting quietly.
“Yar,” he’d whisper, and tiptoe softly as he plundered.

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
While good pirates swing from ropes to board a vessel, George was obsessed with doing this with a hang glider.
Usually, he’d get stuck in the rigging.
Other times, he’d jump too soon, and end up crashing into the ocean.
Or a gust of wind would carry him miles away, and then he’d crash into the ocean.
“Why can’t you swing from a rope like everybody else, George?” asked the captain.
So, George got a rope. And tied it to his hang glider.
He crashed into the ocean again.

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
Where other pirates would yo ho ho and a bottle of rum, George preferred a glass of dry white wine.
George made sure to bring his own, because most pirate dives don’t carry much more than rum and grog.
However, he wasn’t good about bringing a corkscrew.
His dagger was to big to dig out the cork, and his cutlass was bigger than his dagger.
“Have you got a corkscrew?” he’d ask his shipmates.
He’d always have to resort to borrowing Lefty McGinty’s hook-hand.
Lefty bought George a corkscrew.

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He had bad dreams, of towns on fire… women and children screaming and running from the flames.
George woke up in a cold sweat, shaking and trembling.
When they were about to raid a town, George would feel queasy and he’d throw up.
His hands would sweat, he’d lose his grip on his cutlass.
He studied medicine, hoping to become the ship’s surgeon, but the sight of blood made him sick.
“Avast, quiet ye scurvy dogs!” the captain hissed. “Ready the cannon for a broadsides!”
George felt sick again.

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He had a hard time sleeping.
His doctor checked him for sleep apnea, but George kept himself fit and lean.
He was fine during the sleep study, too.
So, the doctor recommended a relaxing herbal tea, and that George get an ambient noise generator.
The herbal tea was soothing, and the noise generator produced the sound of the ocean waves.
Which is silly, when you think of it.
George, laying there in his bunk, right under a porthole, and using a noise generator instead of just opening the porthole.

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
Things got so bad, he ran away and joined the circus.
For his first three months, George did nothing but shovel animal poop.
Then, when a baby elephant was born with huge ears, George got an idea.
“I will teach it to fly!” he said. “Then, I can stop shoveling animal poop and be famous!”
“For the last time, no,” said the ringmaster. “This is as dumb as your flying baby giraffe, flying baby bear, and flying baby lion ideas!”
George ran away and joined his old pirate ship.

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
So, while attacking a merchant ship off the coast of Bangalla, he fell overboard.
Pygmies dragged him ashore and nursed him back to health.
“Do you swear an oath to vanquish piracy and slavery?” asked the pygmies.
“Sure,” said George. “Yeah, okay.”
They showed him a cave and gave him some purple pajamas and a black mask.
They didn’t fit so well, and when George tried to put on the mask, he clumsily fell out of the cave.
And that’s how George became “The Ghost Who Falls A Lot.”

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
The captain thought that George’s problem was a matter of procedure and discipline.
He made George clock in and clock out for his shift and write detailed reports about what he did while on the clock.
George wasn’t good at reading and writing, so the reports were incomprehensible.
George ended up having to explain what he tried to write, which took even longer.
Giving George no time to do his actual pirate job.
“It’s all in the metrics,” said George, scribbling up another meaningless, illegible report for the day.

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
In spite of George’s lack of expertise in piracy, piracy is a rare skill in the labor market.
So, even a pirate that’s not very good can command a decent living doing it.
In an era of full employment, George’s prospects became even brighter.
When the captain complained about George’s mistakes or incompetence, he had to consider how hard it would be to replace George.
So, he shrugs and fishes George back out of the water.
“Try not to fall overboard again, please,” says the captain.
“Aye aye, sir.”

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He spent too much time lying on the deck while poodles romped all around him.
The captain of the ship thought that this was a waste of time, but the captain’s mother was the ship’s chef, and she liked to adopt and raise poodles.
Any time he’d get mad about it with George, his mother would show up and say how much the poodles loved the attention.
When provisions got down to hardtack and water, the poodles vanished.
While the captain’s mother wept, George begrudgingly went back to work.