Category: Talk Like A Pirate Day

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
At the local school’s Career Day, George stood alongside a fireman, policeman, a doctor, and a lawyer.
George would try to recruit new cabin boys, but he also sold kidnapping insurance.
“You know, in case pirates take your children hostage,” he said.
He was arrested by the policeman and charged with extortion.
But when George came to trial, the judge dismissed the case.
“Can I have my children back now?” asked the judge.
George shrugged. “I didn’t take them,” he said.
The lawyer grinned. “Oh, that was my idea.”

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He spent a lot of time cleaning the mile of freeway that his crew had sponsored as part of the Adopt A Highway Program.
And he was pretty good at keeping it clean.
He posted pictures of the highway on Instagram and Snapchat, gathering lots of followers and fans.
People drove from miles away to litter on that stretch of freeway, only to have it cleaned up by the time they circled back.
Never mind that George was just sweeping everything to the other side of the mile marker.

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
And that’s when the murders began.
First, it was the cook. He was stabbed with his own knives.
Then went Old Beardsley. He was found stuffed into a cannon.
Snake-Eye Pete, Devil Dog, Hooky Joe… they all turned up dead in various humiliating ways.
Pretty soon, all that was left was The Captain and George.
“So, what do you think about my raising the employee deductible for the health program?” asked The Captain.
“Costs are going up,” said George. “Seems fair to me.”
And that’s when the murders stopped.

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
When he was little, he tried to become a Boy Scout, but they wouldn’t let him in.
So, he joined the Pirate Scouts, but he wasn’t a very good Pirate Scout.
He’d get captured during raids on the Boy Scouts, and they’d earn merit badges by tying George to a tree with various knots.
“That’s an a hitch knot,” said the Scoutmaster. “Well done.”
George also got captured by the Girl Scouts.
They fed him cookies and painted his toenails pink.
If you ask me, that sounds kinda fun.

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
So, when the figurehead carving fell off of the ship, his shipmates stuffed him into a dress and tied him to the prow.
George was actually kinda good at that job.
Well, except for the constant screaming and near-drowning, but his shipmates built a breathing helmet that muffled the screaming considerably.
Pretty soon, every ship used their worst crewmember as a figurehead.
Every eight hours, George was untied for a meal break.
As for bathroom breaks, what was the point?
It all ended up in the ocean anyway, right?

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
Every opportunity the crew had to get rid of George, they did.
When a television network announced Dancing With The Pirate Stars, they sent George.
George was an excellent dancer.
He knew all of the latest dance moves, and he was in perfect time with his professional dance partner.
“Why don’t you become a professional dancer?” the professional dancers asked him.
“Thanks, but not,” said George. “I like being a pirate.”
He brought home the trophy and three dancers for ransom.
“While we’re waiting,” said George, “care to dance?”

Fred liked to take his family to the islands every summer.
The swimming and snorkeling was great.
And every night, music and dancing and delicacies.
Sometimes, they’d go into town to shop.
Or they’d go to the old pirate towns.
His kids would use charcoal and paper sheets to take rubbings from the headstones.
The more interesting the headstone, the better.
They came across a rather unusual small headstone, buried in the undergrowth.
Fred cleared away the branches, and the kids took an impression.
They could read it clearly:
“George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.”

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
Every time a foreign exchange program came up, the crew shipped George off to Singapore or The Barbary Coast or Africa.
“Is that how you pirates do that in the Caribbean?” the host crew would ask George as he screwed up some task or another.
“Yes,” lied George, not wanting to reveal the fact that he was a terrible pirate. “We do it all the time.”
Pretty soon, pirates across the world were as bad as George.
Except for his own crew, who kept him locked in a footlocker.

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He frequently violated company policies, and spent a lot of time in Sexual Harassment training seminars.
Because, compared to all the other pirates on the ship, George was actually polite and respectful to women.
He didn’t leer, catcall, or whore around.
And God forbid he actually molest someone. I mean, how rude, right?
George did his best to fake the leers and catcalls that the instructor demanded he give the wenches in the roleplay sessions.
Eventually, he passed.
But afterwards, he apologized to the wenches for the rude behavior.

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
Was he the worst pirate in history?
No, because that would be Phil.
The Captain hired him as a ringer for the crew’s softball team.
Phil struck out every batter he faced, and he hit every ball out of the park.
He was MVP of the league for three years straight, and the team won the championship all three of those years.
But P stands for Player, not Pirate, and Phil was a dreadful pirate.
What happened to Phil is too gruesome to say.
The crew retired his number.