Category: Talk Like A Pirate Day

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He had difficulty learning the lyrics and tunes to all the sea shanties.
They tried to teach him to use the squeeze box, but he kept breaking it.
Squeeze boxes are really expensive to repair. Might as well just pillage a town to get another, really.
So, at night, he practiced singing. And, in time, he got better.
One day, he burst into song for the Captain.
“Hush!” growled the Captain. “Don’t you realize we’re trying to hide in the fog?”
That’s when the British Navy fired their cannons.

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
Nobody liked him.
Every Valentine’s Day, the other pirates’ hats would be full of valentines.
George’s would be empty.
All George wanted was one. Even if it was just a black X on a scrap of paper, you know, because most pirates can’t write or read.
Then, one year, George got a valentine.
Which pirate was it?
Probably not one of the guys he’d mistakenly stabbed or slashed or shot with a cannon or knocked overboard.
It didn’t matter. George was happy.
And he had the best day ever.

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He couldn’t do any pirate things right.
And you know what they say about those who can’t do.
So, he started a pirate school.
He taught people how to be pirates.
And for pirates, he offered Masters degrees and Doctorates.
The school got a lot of students.
Even his old Captain took a few refresher courses.
He made a fortune in tuition. Especially with the criminally-high interest in student loans.
Thousands of pirates were paying off their debt to George for years.
He became the greatest pirate of all.

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
While his shipmates pillaged and looted a place, he offered to write receipts so that the victims could file an insurance claim.
And he’d offer to provide testimony during claim disputes.
His shipmates considered him a traitor. The Captain thought him insane.
“It’s not any overwhelming sense of guilt,” said George. “They’ll win their claim, buy all new stuff, and then write me a note of gratitude.”
“And this is good why exactly?” asked The Captain.
“So we can rob them all over again.”
The Captain laughed and smiled.

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
His bunk and footlocker overflowed with CD cases.
“What’s all this stuff?” The Captain asked George.
“Pirated music, movies, and software,” said George. “Good stuff.”
“This is an inefficient mess,” said The Captain. “Why aren’t you using thumb drives or the cloud?”
“I cater to markets with obsolete technology,” said George. “They’re more likely to pay in cash instead of credit, which makes it hard for the authorities to trace.”
The Captain nodded, and picked up a Herp Albert CD.
“How much do you want for this?” he asked.

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He had occasional flashes of brilliance, such as finding a warehouse that contained casks and barrels of wine, rum, and whiskey.
The problem was, the casks and barrels weren’t labeled.
So, the men volunteered to open them up to figure out what was in them.
Seven hours later, the crew was completely passed out drunk, and nobody was controlling the ship.
The winds and tide blew it back to the warehouse’s pier, smashing the ship to bits.
Those who didn’t drown were fished out by the militia and jailed.

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He bought some confidence-boosting audio tapes to listen to while he slept.
But his shipmates replaced them with audio books by David Sedaris.
Instead of charging boldly into ship battles and plundering towns, George sat down and recounted his days as a Christmas elf in a department store.
Oddly enough, townspeople put down their weapons to gather around George and listen to the stories.
Using George as a distraction, the pirates easily robbed the town and escaped with the treasure.
From which, they paid David Sedaris’ hefty royalty fees.

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
After he was fired from his job, he ended up as a valet for a popular pirate tavern.
He parked pirate ships at the pier.
With practice, he became quite skilled at maximizing available dock space. Not a single wreck.
The tips weren’t bad, either.
One night, his old ship sailed in for dinner.
The crew didn’t recognize George. They just saw a fancy-dressed lackey with money sticking out of his pockets.
So, they kidnapped him.
“Thanks, guys,” said George. “It’s good to be back.”
They threw him overboard.

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
If George tells you that he’s good at anything, he’s lying.
Make him prove it.
If he says he’s good at tying knots, make him tie a knot.
If he says he’s good with a sword, challenge him to a fight.
If he says he’s good with anything, don’t believe him until you see it.
Well, okay, there’s one thing George is good at.
That’s lying about being a good pirate.
Most pirates say they aren’t actually pirates.
Especially when they get caught and sent to the local jail.

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
“X marks the spot!” says George, holding up a map.
“That looks more like a lower-case T,” says The Captain.
“I think it looks like a plus symbol,” says The First Mate.
“Just rotate the map a little,” said George.
So, they did.
“It looks like two exes next to each other,” said Berdsley.
“That’s because you’re drunk,” said George. “It’s one X.”
It turned out to be a Starbucks in Hoboken, New Jersey.
“I’ll get the shovels,” said George. “Oh, and can you order me a double espresso?”