Category: My stories

When I was an IT Manager, I didn’t do much managing.
I was the only IT person for most of that job, and had half a headcount to cover for me when I was out sick or on vacation.
I wrote up documentation that nobody read, offered training that they never learned from.
And every call was an emergency when it wasn’t.
When I’d help the person, I’d make sure they used the keyboard and mouse because they needed to do the thing.
Plus, if you stand behind someone and point at the screen, you can look down their blouse.

It was the first night of Hanukkah, and Ted only had a few candles.
He cut them into smaller pieces, and he did his best to make them last all 8 nights.
“God made the oil last for 8 days,” said Ted. “So I figure he’ll make these candles last, too.”
But God didn’t. The candles were all used up after 3 days.
Ted went outside and wondered why God didn’t make them last.
A bush in the front yard caught fire.
“Because you used candles instead of oil, dummy,” said God.
Ted used snow to put out the fire.

The Pirates of the Caribbean ride has been updated and upgraded over the years.
The figures and songs adjusted to modern sensibilities.
Instead of a pirate chasing a woman around, it’s an angry woman with a broom chasing a pirate.
Women robots harassed throughout the town, replaced with animals or other nasty pirates.
And instead of women being auctioned, it’s now a lady pirate auctioning off chickens.
What happened to the old robots?
Too old for reuse, some were thrown out.
Then recovered from dumpsters, and auctioned off on eBay.
Just things for sale on the auction block, once again.

Agencies want to know three things:
Are you willing to kill?
Are you able to kill?
And can you do it without leaving a trace back to you or them?
Marco’s Imports likes to test new talent by assigning someone they’d personally want dead.
An uncle who’d molested them as a child. A detested cousin.
To them, it’s all about family.
The Diamond Exchange sends their candidates after the homeless, the drug addicts.
People nobody would miss.
My outfit, Consulting Limited, prefers the last man standing method.
The real talent shines through, and no awkward rejection notices necessary.
Sign here.

I cannot describe the ship.
Its surface absorbs all light.
Its shape, indeterminate.
One moment, I was standing outside if it, I put my hand out…
And the next, I was inside of it, looking out through a clear surface that surrounded me.
I was standing, but on nothing.
No lights, but I could see all around me.
And breathe.
I felt myself melting, becoming one with the ship.
Knowing everything it knew.
Let’s go somewhere, I thought.
Suddenly, I was out in the stars.
So much darkness, so much light, so much color.
I saw everything.
And we flew.

My previous job would send employees on a two week trip to Hawaii after ten years of service.
When I got to nine and a half years of service, I quit.
You see, I hate long plane rides.
I also hate long vacations.
And I’m allergic to weird foods, such as poi.
They offered to fly me anywhere, but there really isn’t anywhere I’d want to go.
I asked if they’d pay for some tickets to Astros games, but they said they’d get back to me.
But shortly after that conversation, I quit.
They still haven’t gotten back to me.

Brittany was a wedding planner for dogs.
Crazy dog owners would get their dogs hitched with other dogs, and she’d plan out the party, get the guests invited (and their owners), and hired the caterers.
The flower girl would throw around flowers, the happy couple came in, and the preacher would say a bunch of stuff before asking if anyone had any objections…
That’s when I shout out “WHAT THE FUCK? IT’S A FUCKING WEDDING FOR DOGS!”
Brittany said I was a bigot, a hater. A goddamned Nazi.
How the hell was I to know they were two boy dogs?

In his will, Freddy hated to waste anything.
He said he didn’t want to waste a good suit and nice shoes.
Or any wood or metal for the coffin.
And all those chemicals they’d pump into him, didn’t they waste enough of them trying to save him in the hospital?
Wrapping him in a sheet and burying him, that would be a waste of land and the stone to mark it.
So they filled his body with explosives and dropped him on a mosque in Gaza.
That was preaching hate around the clock, and training gunmen, suicide bombers, and kidnappers.

I see advertisements for Cruella all over the place.
They’re fucking obnoxious and ugly.
I don’t know anyone who saw Cruella in the theatre.
I don’t know anyone who paid extra to see Cruella on Disney Plus.
I don’t know anyone who paid for the Cruella DVD.
I don’t know anyone who watched Cruella on Disney Plus for free.
Hell, I know people who will bite out their tongue and bleed to death if they tie them up and force them to watch it.
How the hell can these Disney assholes afford so many advertisements for something nobody wants to watch?

Books open people to new ideas and worlds.
I think back to the books that impacted my life.
The Webster’s Unabridged Dictionary that had so many words to learn and use.
The encyclopedias in the library that taught me so much about history and science.
The Bible, which taught me about faith and religion, but also of excuses to be hateful and fearful of others.
The one that impacted me the most?
I never actually caught the title.
Only the blows to my head and body when my mother couldn’t find her wooden spoon for the constant beatings and spankings.