Ferguson Fitts ran a four-minute mile.
The store was four minutes away, and Ferguson ordered something for pickup.
“I’ll be there in a minute!” Ferguson hollered into his phone, and he ran to the store.
A minute later, Ferguson was there.
“Thank you,” he said to the salesperson, handing him a dollar and grabbing a bag. “See you next time!”
Ferguson then ran home.
It took more than a minute, because he had a bag in his hand.
And after running a four-minute mile, Ferguson is a little winded and can’t run so fast.
And, man, he smells really bad.
Category: My stories
Alabama vs Clemson
Someone came up with the bright idea to end the college football season with a playoff.
Four teams were invited to play against each other, and, in the end, it was Alabama playing Clemson.
Oh, sure there were other teams playing in bowl games, but all that really mattered was that final game.
The rest of it was just noise.
NFL scouts only watched Alabama and Clemson.
Teams only drafted Alabama and Clemson players.
Pretty soon, every other college gave up on football.
One game a year: Alabama and Clemson.
Which gave more time to enjoy college basketball’s March Madness.
On the shoulders of daddys
Tinny likes to cuddle with me.
It’s easy for her to cuddle with me when I’m lying down.
She walks on to my shoulder, curls up, and goes to sleep.
If I am sitting up, she’ll walk on to my lap and curl up on there.
But if I’m leaning forward while sitting up, she’ll walk on to my shoulders and sit on my back.
It’s not very comfortable for me, and I’m sure it’s not easy for her to maintain her balance.
But she tucks up and purrs, which means she’s happy, and that’s all that really matters, right?
The nudist
Every time I do laundry, I forget something.
Maybe I leave out a shirt or some underwear.
Or a stray sock or two.
Sometimes, I forget to put the towels in.
The washer starts, its door latches, and I’m stuck waiting for the next load.
Once, I had everything ready. I checked everything twice.
Nothing left out, nothing missing.
But I was out of detergent.
So, I went out to get detergent and came back.
I loaded the clothes, poured in detergent, and pushed the start button.
That’s when the power went out.
And that’s why I became a nudist.
Never let
Professor Blaine liked to say “Never let a Tuesday go to waste.”
He died on a Sunday, right after church.
On Monday, the teaching assistant canceled class, and students from all over campus spent the hour remembering the professor.
“I have the professor’s notes,” said the assistant. “We’ll have class tomorrow.”
But it wasn’t the assistant who taught us.
It was Blaine himself.
“Never let a Tuesday go to waste,” mumbled his corpse.
Campus police showed up and evacuated us from the lecture hall.
Wednesday morning, Blaine was dead again.
Administration moved the class’s schedule to Mondays,Wednesdays, and Fridays.
Hold it
Looking back, losing seventy-five pounds was actually easy.
I walked a lot.
Stores that are less than a mile away, I walked to.
I ate less, and I only ate what was good for me.
I stopped buying bad stuff so it wouldn’t be around to tempt me.
Walking to the store means I can carry less, so I can’t carry heavy canned bad stuff.
Or bottles.
I no longer drank my calories. Only water and tea for me.
And the pounds vanished one after another.
The hard part is not losing, but knowing how to stop and hold it.
To The Shake Shack
I’ve never had a shake from Shake Shack.
I’ve had a Shake Shack burger. And Shake Shack fries.
But never a Shake Shack shake.
So, I went to the Shake Shack and asked for a Shake Shack shake.
Just a shake? Shake Shack asked, thinking it was a mistake.
Just a shake. I said. That’s all I can take.
The shake took Shake Shack seven minutes to make.
I don’t like to wait. But the shake was great.
But, sadly.
Seven hundred and fifty calories of shake.
I’m glad I walked to the Shake Shack, to walk off this shake.
Little Ricky
My name is Ricky these days.
People used to call me Rick. And Richard.
But now, they call me Ricky.
Some people still call me Rick. People who knew me back in school.
And the people who call me Richard, well, they’re reading my name from a form or a computer.
It’s the ones who call me Ricky that I listen to.
They used to call me Little Ricky.
But I got bigger, and I met another guy who called himself Little Ricky.
I was bigger than him, so I let him take the name Little Ricky, and I’m Ricky.
Lost breast
While Hugo was walking around the library, he came across a breast.
He picked it up and turned it over in his hands.
It was an ordinary ball of flesh, supple, yet firm.
About a C cup, he figured.
Maybe he should ask the librarian to make an announcement.
Or would that be too embarrassing?
Perhaps just drop it in the Lost and Found.
Its owner could pick it up when they realized it was gone.
But then, what if someone took it?
He put it back on the floor and walked away.
Let someone else deal with the thing.
The Healer
Aescepalus, father of all doctors.
They say he could cure any disease and heal any injury.
Including death.
Souls vanished from the underworld as Aescepalus revived them.
Cerberus, the guard dog of The Abyss, yelped and chased his tail. Hades screamed with rage.
“How dare he steal my subjects from me!”
Hades put a price on Aescepalus’ head, and bounty hunters were more than happy to hunt him down.
Until Aescepalus reminded them that many bounties were worth more alive than dead.
“I can fix your mistakes,” he told them.
But eventually, Hades won out.
Because Aescepalus couldn’t heal himself.