Jack compulsively flicks his lighter open and shut.
Jane compulsively flicks a switchblade open and shut.
They do this everywhere: at the diner, at the bar, while walking on the street.
Especially when they walk on the street.
There’s a rhythm to it. They’re in sync.
Click clack. Click clack. Click clack.
All day long.
they took baths instead of showers so they could keep flicking and clicking.
Jack would refill his lighter.
Jane would sharpen her switchblade.
And then they’d flick them open and closed again.
Sitting there at the retirement home.
Click clack. Click clack.
All day long.
Category: My stories
Poor Dan
At first, Dan kept saying “I cannot believe my eyes!”
Then, he’d say “I cannot believe my ears!”
Rarely did he say that he could not believe his nose, tongue, or skin.
I guess he didn’t smell, taste, or feel much.
It was when Dan said “I cannot believe my accountant!” that he was in trouble.
Dan was way behind in paying his taxes.
“I cannot believe my lawyer!” said Dan as he was dragged out of court and off to jail.
Let’s just say that his cellmate made sure that Dan believed that he was in jail.
Poor Dan.
Build the wall
Instead of building a wall along the border, why not something fun?
Perhaps a ball pit, like they have at Chuck E Cheese and McDonalds.
Then, families trying to cross the border will have to fish their kids back out of it.
“COME ON, MOM!” they will shout. “FIVE MORE MINUTES! PLEASE?”
And then it will get dark, and they’ll have to get home.
If they leave the kids behind, they will sink to the bottom of the ball pit.
And fall through chutes to The Organ Havresting Factory.
Oops. I meant to say The Ice Cream and Unicorns Room.
The Voltmaster Laughing
“Follow the wires.”
These are the first three words that every child in Mirkwood learns.
They look up at the gigantic mains that pass near every village, and down to the substation as the voltage is stepped down.
“Follow the wires, and you will find The Voltmaster.”
He used to harvest his power from the clouds, but with the help of giants and ogres and dwarves, he constructed a dam across The Eternal Falls.
Within, machinery like windmills, but for water, convert the flow into energy.
Precious energy.
The lights flicker, then return.
They say this is The Voltmaster laughing.
Cladimer Zook
Until we find three witches, we cannot hold the funeral of Cladimer Zook.
It’s simply too dangerous to allow his unbound spirit to roam at night.
As long as his body is wrapped in The Emerald Shroud, we’ll be safe.
But the owner of The Emerald Shroud charges us monthly for its use, and it’s not like we are made out of money.
Unlike the Silvergold Legion, who are made out of money.
Oh, Zook, you fool. Not to make arrangements.
Nobody lives forever.
To amass such power, you knew the consequences.
One day, a wizard. The next, an abomination.
Squirrelfeeder
We had a hawthorn tree in the back yard, and my dad hung a birdfeeder from one of the branches.
The birds flew from all around to eat the birdseed, but there were also a lot of squirrels coming to eat.
My dad would get angry and yell at the squirrels, and he’d fill a bucket with ice to throw at the squirrels.
“Go chase those squirrels away!” he’d yell at us.
And, for a while, throwing ice cubes at squirrels was fun.
But futile.
So, I stopped thinking of it as a birdfeeder. And, instead, it became a squirrelfeeder.
Stress and plants
They say that plants can relieve stress.
So, I tried to raise some plants at home and in my office, but I couldn’t keep them alive.
Not enough light… not enough water… too much water…
They just caused even more stress.
So, I got some of those automatic hydroponic plant systems.
Just add plant food and water when the system tells you to add them.
They handle all of the rest.
They cost a bloody fortune. And my electric bill went through the roof.
And so did my stress.
Now I just have plastic plants.
I haven’t over-watered them yet.
Never Had
Never had a kid.
Never held my baby in my arms.
My baby.
So precious.
No first tooth.
No first words, first steps.
First day at school.
None at all.
No report cards, nothing but A’s.
Or F’s.
Detentions.
Run-ins with the police.
That’s no so bad, really.
Never having to bail your kid out.
Or identify their body.
Waiting for a match on the transplant list.
As they get sicker… and sicker… and sicker…
Is it selfish of me?
Not to want to feel any of that?
Not to take a chance?
Maybe.
When someone took one on me?
Ganesha
There are many stories as to how the Indian god Ganesha got his elephant head.
But few say what happened to his original head.
Some people assume that it ended up on the body of the elephant from which Shiva replaced his head.
Others say that it was used to make Ganesha Head Soup.
And still others believe that the Eleven Gods of The Three Worlds use his head for football.
The Gods of Fire play The Gods of The Wind, and the winner plays The Gods of The Sky.
But that’s utter nonsense? Where would they get a referee?
Bus your own tables
“BUS YOUR OWN TABLES” says the sign on the front door of the restaurant.
And the cashier at the end of the buffet line reminds every customer to bring their trays to the window for the dishwasher to wash.
But half of the people leave their dirty dishes on the table when they get up to leave.
So, the restaurant owner hired a guy to clear tables.
And he raised prices to pay for the guy.
Some customers complained about the price increase.
And others stopped showing up.
The owner gave up, closed his restaurant, and bought a Subway franchise.