Category: My stories

Every day, Charlie Brown would get a new kite, and without fail, it would end up in the kite-eating tree.
He never gave up. He kept trying. And he kept failing.
One day, he flew a rainbow-colored kite, and the kite ate it.
“This tree is a LGBT-hating tree!” shouted Charlie.
Peppermint Patty and Marcie showed up with axes, and they chopped down the tree.
Yes, I know, there’s no such things as a gay-hating tree.
Marcie the Genius should know better.
However, Charlie had borrowed her kite, so she was a too angry to think straight at the moment.

We all know the old adage: Give a man a fish and he eats for a day.
Well, if you give the man other animals, strange things happen.
If you give a man a goose, he’ll punch you and tell you to stop.
If you give a man a slug, he’ll punch you back harder.
If you give a man a ram… well… I’m not getting into that.
And if you give a man a fly, he can finally take a leak without having to pull down his pants.
Just in case you were thinking about giving him a ram.

I remember going to Return of the Jedi when I was thirteen.
The whole family, my grandparents, too.
My grandmother looked like Yoda.
There were movie booklets for sale in the lobby.
We bought one, and passed it around to read while waiting in line for two hours.
Well, okay… when it got to my brother, he read it and kept reading it, and I never got to see it until after the movie.
By the time we were seated, we’d already eaten all the popcorn and drank all the sodas.
So, seriously… fuck movie theatres.
Long live home viewing.

In between the world wars, the Germans were prohibited from developing military aircraft and vehicles.
As if.
They developed mail planes that could be quickly converted to bombers, and airliners that could also serve as troop transports.
The British were painfully oblivious to these dual-purpose vehicles, to the point that Germans were blatantly building tanks and calling them milk trucks and school busses.
“Oh, did I say this was a school bus?” says a grinning German diplomat, leaning on a tank. “I meant to say milk truck.”
“Looks good to me,” said Prime Minister Chamberlain. “Two pints of milk, please?”

It’s still in the 70’s at night, but hopefully it will get colder soon.
I sleep better when it’s colder.
Air conditioning isn’t quite the same as actual mild weather.
Nor is one of those cooling blankets.
Nothing quite like sipping a glass of milk, laying back in a recliner outside, and taking a nap in the mild chill of a fall evening.
Watching the starsat night, but it’s good to have a patio umbrella in case it rains.
The rain is a nice sound to fall asleep to.
Real rain. Even with recordings, I can tell the difference.

My weight rollercoasters a lot, so I go from Extra Large shirts to Extra Extra Large shirts and back again.
And my underwear and shorts waist sizes fluctuate with the shirt sizes.
Whenever I change sizes, I try to keep the stuff from the other size in storage, knowing I’ll be that size again eventually.
But at some point, I get frustrated, and I dump all those clothes in a donation bin.
That’s when I get back to my workout routine and lose the weight.
Or give up my workout routine, and gain it back.
And need new clothes again.

My grandmother had a saying: “A watched pot never boils.”
And back then, they didn’t have television, so I guess they did a lot of watching pots.
These days, I say “A watched deliveryman never delivers.”
He’s been five stops away forever. What’s taking him so long?
What’s with all those other stops?
When you bring up the delivery tracker from Amazon, that dot never seems to move on the map.
Unless you watch him through the scope of a sniper rifle.
And shout “I am watching you through the scope of a sniper rifle.”
Then they deliver.
And run.

So, I have this bag of chocolate-filled marshmallows and I am thinking yeah I could get marshmallows and then Hershey’s kisses or Toll House Morsel bits or Hershey bars or something and just stuff them myself, but no… I gotta get these dumb things, and I only eat one every day or other day, like some weird adult marshmallow experiment to prove I’ll be patient and a success in life, even though I know already the experiment and all that, so this proves nothing other than the fact that I am probably ruining my diet and A1C blood sugar levels.

Alec Baldwin, like so many actors, attended many of Donald Trump’s parties and stayed at his hotels.
But when politics heated up, Alec bit the hand that fed him canapes, and attacked the presidential candidate.
Portraying him on Saturday Night Live and hyperbolizing every statement made by Donald.
One especially obtuse statement was about being able to shoot a person on the streets of New York and getting away with it.
Which he never did, but of course the sketches played this up.
Years later, Alec Baldwin shot two people on a movie set.
And he got away with it.

“I do,” said Bobby and Kathy.
“Til death do you part,” said the preacher.
It wasn’t a bad marriage. Wasn’t great, either.
So, years later when Bobby’s heart stopped, Kathy assumed the marriage was over.
The paramedics used CPR to bring Bobby back, but by then, Kathy was a free woman.
“We’ll take him to the hospital, okay?” said the paramedics.
“Fine, whatever,” said Kathy.
She put her hands behind her back and took off her rings.
As the paramedics put Bobby on a stretcher and loaded him into the ambulance, Kathy asked what they were doing after their shift.