George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
CNN’s Jeanne Moos did a profile on George, but made him out to be a complete assclown of a pirate.
George was furious.
“I do not fall overboard that often,” he growled. “And I only dropped my cutlass twice.”
He filed a complaint, which the network ignored.
So, George took a CNN crew hostage and demanded a ransom and retraction.
“Go ahead, kill them,” said the CNN executives. “They’re worthless.”
George posted their callous response on Facebook.
And the executives complained how unethical George was for exposing their inhumanity.
Category: My stories
George pirate qualities
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
Write a list of all the things that come to mind when you think of the word pirate.
George is none of those. Not a single one of them.
Unless, of course, you are crazy.
Then, I’m sure George will be a few of the things on your list.
So will a cockroach, a bowl potato salad, the Planet Neptune, and the smell of freshly-washed bedsheets.
Yes, you can read more George stories.
Would you like to draw me a picture of George?
Okay. Here’s a crayon. Go ahead.
George the king of comedy
… and that’s 20 years.
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
“You’re the Jerry Lewis of pirates,” grumbled his exasperated captain.
The rest of the crew laughed.
Except for Frenchy, who said that George was no Jerry Lewis.
George looked up Jerry Lewis in the encyclopedia and learned about a technique called “video assist.”
Directors could watch instant reviews of shots instead of waiting for the crew to develop and print the daily footage.
George tried it with his performance
But he still kept falling overboard, but now with the expensive equipment.
Frenchy roared with laughter. “You ARE Jerry Lewis!”
George and the groupies
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
To pirate groupies, he was pirate enough.
Oh, you’ve seen them, there at the taverns and bars, hanging out at the docks.
The beer might be free, but the price you pay is an STD, or even worse, a long-term relationship.
Pirates who settle down just aren’t the same.
They can’t just go out on adventures and looting and pillaging, no matter how much they want to.
They’ve got familiars, mortgages, bills to pay.
Which makes the urge to get back to the open sea all the much stronger.
George does laundry
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
Especially on laundry day.
If there weren’t any open washing machines, he’d dump someone’s finished load out on the floor and toss in his own.
How dare they make him wait? It’s called a timer.
Even though the washing machines said liquid only, he’d fill the little detergent drawer with powder.
And he’d overload the machine, cramming as much as he could in there.
No available dryers? Another finished load tossed on the floor.
The worst of it was him standing there naked, waiting for his clothes to dry.
McGeorge
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
Fear consumed him, and when faced with a decision, any decision, his inner dialogue drowned out any course of action.
George stood there, eyes wide open, but seeing nothing. Hearing none of the angry voices around him, the hands grabbing his arms and trying to shake him out of his paralysis.
Endless ”What if?” rolled around in his mind, and the crowd around him grew angrier and angrier, cursing and swearing.
The girl at the register looked past George. “Next please? Welcome to McDonalds, may I take your order?”
George and the eclipse
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
The captain was always looking for things for George to do, other than pirate stuff.
When the captain learned of an upcoming solar eclipse, he sailed into the total eclipse path.
“George, I know what you can do,” he said. “We don’t have time to sail to Walmart to get those special eclipse filter glasses. Can you scrounge the cargo hold and make some for us?”
George tried. And, well…
After the eclipse, the crew were covering their eyes and screaming.
“I’m sorry,” said George. “I’ll make more eyepatches.”
George thanks God
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
After a long and difficult week, George muttered “Thank God it’s Friday.”
The clouds parted, a light shone down, and a voice boomed “YOU’RE WELCOME!”
The light faded, and it began to rain.
George was left confused, frightened, and wet.
“What the fuck just happened?” said George, shaking and holding on to the railing to keep from fainting.
George looked around, but there was nobody there to ask: “Did you see that? Did you hear that?”
It was just George on the deck, standing there, soaked to the bone.
George the sculptor
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He spent an unusual amount of time exploring the arts and humanities instead of hunting for treasure.
Where other pirates would loot a museum, he’d walk the halls, listening to the tour guide, appreciating the art, and admiring the brush strokes and chisel angles.
He tried his hand at sculpture, creating a pirate figure out of butter.
It won second place at the State Fair.
Proud of his work, he brought it back to the ship.
His crewmates spread it over their bread.
George grumbled, and swabbed the deck.
George and the avocados
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He fell for lots of scams.
One time, he took a pamphlet from a group at the airport, and he ended up on an avocado farm wearing an orange robe.
He enjoyed harvesting avocados, but missed being a pirate.
So when the farm was raided by pirates, he asked if he could join them.
It was his old crew.
“No,” they said. “We’ve been doing great without you.”
The last sack of avocados they hauled away was unusually heavy.
Safely aboard, George crawled out and smiled.
Home at last.