GEORGE WAS A PIRATE, BUT HE WASN’T A VERY GOOD PIRATE.
INSTEAD OF RAIDING TOWNS AND SHIPS FOR USEFUL THINGS, LIKE FOOD AND AMMUNITION AND SUPPLIES, HE’D LOOT FLEAMARKETS AND GARAGE SALES, AND HAUL BACK A PILE OF JUNK.
“THERE’S NOTHING QUITE LIKE THE FEEL OF A CLASSIC WEIGHTED KEYBOARD WITH SPRINGS AND INDIVIDUAL KEYS,” SAID GEORGE, TAPPING THE KEYS AND HEARING THAT SATISFYING LOUD CLACK. “YOU DON’T GET THAT WITH THOSE THIN APPLE KEYBOARDS OR THOSE CHEAP PLASTIC ONES.”
“WHY ARE YOU SHOUTING EVERYTHING?” ASKED THE CAPTAIN.
GEORGE PUSHED THE SHIFT KEY A FEW TIMES. “I THINK IT’S STUCK.”
Category: My stories
George the storyteller
George had two tickets to The Moth.
Nobody wanted the other ticket, so he went alone.
He thought he was signing a guestbook, but it was the speakers list.
When they called his name, George was confused, but they pushed him to the stage.
He adjusted the microphone, took a sip of water, and said:
“I am a pirate, but…”
He hesitated, sipped more water, and said “But I’m not a very good pirate.”
He told stories for hours, the timekeeper just as mesmerized as the crowd.
When George finished, no applause, not a sound.
Just the spotlight and silence.
George’s escape room
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
After he was fired from his job, he built a pirate-themed escape room.
Customers were thrown into a locked room and told that they were being held until someone paid the ransom.
“This is lame,” said a customer. “Where’s the puzzles? Let us out!”
Only when George got the money were they told they’d won, and were released.
Pretty soon, George’s escape room got a reputation as a scam.
But before the cops could arrest him, George escaped, and had gotten another pirate job, and was back at sea.
George the demon pirate of Fleet Street
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He always felt guilty about the men that his shipmates killed in battles.
So, when the ship docked in London, he’d load a cart with their bodies and take them to Sweeney Todd’s barbershop in Fleet Street.
“I’ll clean them up so they look nice and presentable for their loved ones,” said the barber. “Now sit down and let me clean you up. On the house.”
Afterwards, George would load the cart with dozens of Mrs. Lovett’s meat pies.
“My best customer!” she’d sing, kissing George on the cheek.
George the Buddhist
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
“This is because you do not follow the path of Buddha,” said a strange man in a saffron robe.
“All life is suffering. Craving causes suffering. Suffering, once identified, can end. Accumulating good karma can end suffering. Look within, and master your own fate.”
George looked within himself.
Then he drew his sword and pointed it at the strange man.
“Give me your karma,” he said.
The strange man laughed. “You cannot give or take karma.”
“Fine,” said George. “Give me that robe.”
He wore it as a cape.
George and Mardi Gras
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
Not that the Mardi Gras Parade Committee cared.
They were looking for authenticity, not quality, and as long as George could stand on a float and wave, who cared, right?
George showed up, expecting a big parade, a big party, and all the beer he could drink.
That would make sense if the parade were in New Orleans. Or Galveston.
But not in Fairbanks, Alaska.
“Holy shit, it’s cold,” said George.
George threw a lot of beads from the float.
In that weather, hell, the women had earned them.
George and Vincent
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He liked to wander through fields.
One day, George came upon a man with an easel and blank canvas, clutching his head, weeping.
He looked up, staring at George with the bluest eyes.
Mesmerized, George barely noticed that the man had taken his pistol, pointed it at himself, and pulled the trigger.
George helped the man back to town, leaving him with the local doctor.
“I wanted it to end like this,” whispered the man to George.
George returned to his ship, and hung the canvas by his bunk.
George dies in his sleep
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He has so many brushes with death, he could paint a highway from New York to Los Angeles with them.
“We’re not the kind of men who die in our beds,” said the captain.
George took this advice to heart, staying in his bed as much as possible.
“At least I’m safe in my bed,” said George.
The deck went unscrubbed, the sails went untrimmed, and countless other important chores went undone while George cowered under his covers.
The rest of the crew tossed him and his bed overboard.
George is on Angie’s List
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
If you looked for Looting, Pillaging, and Plundering on Angie’s List, George’s ratings were awful.
And his customer reviews were absolutely horrible.
People can be mean on the Internet, but what people said on George’s profile was brutal.
You’d just as soon hire crackheads off of the street to crew your vessel than think about hiring George.
When he did raid a town, the townspeople demanded a different pirate than George.
“No!” growled George, and he proceeded with his looting and plundering.
And more nasty reviews would appear online.
George v Fat Freddy
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
Because of this, George got the worst bunk on the ship.
Right under Fat Freddy.
You’d think that Fat Freddy’s hammock would come loose and he’d fall on George, right?
Nope.
What Fat Freddy did was fart. A lot.
One night, George went berserk and pulled out a knife and stabbed Fat Freddy through his hammock, over and over.
Fat Freddy tore through his hammock and fell on George, crushing him.
The next night, George was glad Fat Freddy was gone.
Until Bedwetting Bob moved his hammock over George’s.