George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
“X marks the spot!” says George, holding up a map.
“That looks more like a lower-case T,” says The Captain.
“I think it looks like a plus symbol,” says The First Mate.
“Just rotate the map a little,” said George.
So, they did.
“It looks like two exes next to each other,” said Berdsley.
“That’s because you’re drunk,” said George. “It’s one X.”
It turned out to be a Starbucks in Hoboken, New Jersey.
“I’ll get the shovels,” said George. “Oh, and can you order me a double espresso?”
Category: My stories
George vs. Blackbeard
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
So, he started rumors that Blackbeard dyed his beard.
Word got to Blackbeard about the rumor.
“George who?” he said.
Then, George started rumors that Blackbeard’s beard was a fake.
Word got to Blackbeard about that rumor, too.
“Wait, wasn’t he the one who started the rumor about me dying my beard?” said Blackbeard.
George spread the rumors far and wide, until Blackbeard got pissed off.
“That’s it,” said Blackbeard. “Time to fight fire with fire.”
Blackbeard took out a sheet of paper and wrote “George was a pirate…”
George the Pirate Simulator
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He wanted to improve his pirating skills, but no coach wanted to train him.
And he was permanently banned from the Disney theme parks for using It’s A Small World as a training simulator.
The lines to Pirates of the Caribbean were too long, and they were both simple boat rides, right?
He tried to build an immersive simulator with virtual reality goggles.
As long as he remembered to use the controller, it worked well.
But he’d forget, and end up blindly slashing panicked crewmates with his all-too-real sword.
George and Rum
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
Whenever it was time to go “Yo ho ho”, he’d forget the bottle of rum.
Or, when he had a bottle of rum, it would be gone by the time he remembered to “Yo ho ho.”
“What about scotch?” asked George. “Will scotch do?”
The other pirates shouted NOOOOO!
“You know, we could make the rum last longer if we used mixers,” suggested George.
Which worked out for everyone, as long as George remembered to wash out the blender when they switched from Daiquiris to Mojitos or Pina Coladas.
Carrot and Stick
Some managers use the carrot-and-stick approach.
I do too, but I hired an actual carrot and stick.
The carrot just sits there.
So does the stick.
At least the carrot does something.
Even though it’s just to dry up and rot.
The stick just sits there.
“Do something, stick!” I shout.
But it just sits there.
You can’t threaten a stick with another stick.
Sticks always stick together.
Unless you rub them together and make a fire.
“FIRE!” I shout. “THERE’S A FIRE!”
Which I can use to cook the carrot.
The truth is, I’m not a very good manager.
Save The Trees!
“Save the trees!” shouted environmentalists.
So, we became a paperless business.
Other businesses did too.
We all became paperless.
The trees thrived. Forests grew thick, and they spread wide.
Birds and wildlife returned.
“Hooray!” shouted environmentalists.
They held a parade, but it was hard to walk the route because of all of the trees in the way.
Businesses noticed a steep rise in absenteeism as their employees were unable to drive to work because of the trees in the roads.
“Who cares?” shouted environmentalists, as the economy collapsed.
Pissed-off businesspeople strung up the environmentalists from trees and watched them die.
Egg for breakfast
On the first day of the conference, the hotel staff prepared sausage, egg, and cheese sandwiches.
I scraped off the egg. I can’t eat egg.
On the second day of the conference, the staff prepared sausage, egg, and cheese burritos.
They mixed the ingredients together so I couldn’t scrape it off.
Fuckers.
On the third day, the staff broke into my room and pelted me with eggs.
That’s when civilization fell.
I crawled along the shore, looked up at a ruined Statue Of Liberty, and damned everyone to Hell.
But, in my opinion, the Tim Burton remake was far worse.
Dead Zone Sofa
The sofa in the hotel lobby is extremely comfortable. I could sit in it all day and work on my laptop.
But the wifi here is awful. I can’t get a decent connection. And my cel phone connection is even worse.
No data, voice, or text service at all.
There’s a two-hour break until the next conference session starts. The other attendees probably want to discuss work stuff over lunch. And my team back at the office probably wants more revisions on the project.
The alarm clock function doesn’t need wifi, right?
I set it, and take a long nap.
The Muppet Dead
The great thing about Muppets is that they never die.
Oh, their puppeteers and voice performers may die, but the Muppets themselves never die.
They’re characters. They’re roles.
Just about anybody can stick their hand up Kermit, Ernie, or The Swedish Chef and make them dance.
It might take a bit of practice to do Big Bird or Snuffleupagus, but they have understudies and backup performers for that stuff.
And when the Muppet puppets or suits wear out, the workshop makes new ones.
The old ones go to museums. Or the security vault.
In case they try to get free.
Pie ala Boom
Carl Sagan once said that in order to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the universe.
I suppose the same is true if you want to make ice cream from scratch, too.
It’s very important that you do this all in the same universe.
Because, if you try to create apple pie in one universe and ice cream in another universe, you now have to bridge the two universes in order to have pie ala mode.
Sadly, the matter from the two universes will cause a massive anti-matter explosion.
So, skip dessert, and just have coffee.