Category: My stories

If it takes a village to raise a child, then it stands to reason that it takes a village to murder a child.
So, when Holly Smith was found dead in Elmwood Park, the sheriff arrested entire village of Elmwood.
Then, he arrested himself. Because he was the sheriff of Elmwood, and just as guilty of Holly Smith’s murder.
The county coroner (who lived in Elmwood) said that it was too soon to call it murder.
“I haven’t even looked at the body yet,” he said.
Except when I murdered that poor, sweet child, he thought.
As every murderer thought.

Letterman’s last show was last night.
I hadn’t watched Letterman’s show in years.
I used to watch him.
I was only eleven, my bedtime was before his show aired, and we were in the Eastern time zone.
But we had a VCR. One of those JVCs with the bright colored buttons.
We’d tape it and watch the next day.
Or on the weekend.
Carson outgrew interesting people and went all Hollywood.
Letterman hadn’t sold out yet.
Brother Theodore. Stupid Pet Tricks.
Andy Kauffman.
No, he didn’t get The Tonight Show.
He just corrupted himself into one.
Why bother watching anymore?

Ashley Blake was the greatest Broadway actress in history.
She won more Tony awards and sold out more shows than anyone.
So, when she died, her funeral was scheduled for her favorite theater.
There were so many mourners and well-wishers, she was there the whole week.
And they sold out those screenings that they do of Broadway shows at the movie theater.
The producer ran two shows a day. Still, the lines went around the block.
A touring company was formed. The corpse of Ashley’s longtime understudy went on the road.
I hope that they might do a film adaptation.

When the judge asked Fred how he wanted to be executed, he said that he wanted a firing squad.
“But instead of a last cigarette, I’d like one of those e-cigarettes,” he said. “Vaping is much healthier than standard cigarettes.”
Then he asked for a virtual reality headset. “A blindfold shows you nothing. So, in my imagination, I’ll see a firing squad. I want to see something else.”
So, on that fateful day, they gave him his e-cigarette, and they gave him his VR gear.
They turned on the headset and showed him a beautiful meadow.
With a gallows platform.

We have two cats.
A black one and a white calico.
We let them out at night and on the weekends.
But we bring them back in when it’s time for bed.
Sometimes, they don’t want to come back in, and we have to hunt them down.
You’d think it would he hard to find the black one, but she’s easy to find.
She jumps out of the bushes and follows us with her tail held high.
It’s the white calico who’s the problem child.
She naps on neighbors’ patios, or goes exploring.
But eventually, she comes home to eat.

Rain at the drive-in.
The forcecast calls for hail.
Wind blows over the screen.
Corrugated metal and wood struts, fallen into a twisted heap.
Shut down for the season because of the snow.
Mosquitos. Lost children.
What’s with that clown in the fun park anyway?
Daylight savings time.
That double feature keeps you out until one or two.
Have fun driving home when you’re that tired.
Car hits a bump, and your friend in the trunk breaks his arm.
A bulb goes out, and they have to switch reels on one projector.
All, just to get that one first kiss.

I murdered my imaginary friend.
I dropped the imaginary knife, picked up my imaginary phone, and called the imaginary police.
They locked my hands in imaginary handcuffs, put me in the back of an imaginary police car, and drove me to an imaginary police station.
There, I was interrogated by imaginary detectives, and charged with imaginary murder.
An imaginary lawyer came to advise me. I made imaginary bail, and awaited imaginary trial before an imaginary judge and jury.
The imaginary prosecutor made the case with imaginary witnesses and experts.
Including my imaginary friend! Who isn’t dead at all!
Not guilty!

Instead of cash bonuses, I get Starbucks cards.
I don’t go to Starbucks, so I give the cards away.
They thank me, but don’t tell me that they don’t go to Starbucks either.
In fact, nobody does. Nobody goes to Starbucks anymore.
They go to the website, and load up their cards, and then give them away as gifts.
Pretty soon, all of the world’s wealth will be tied up in Starbucks cards.
And somewhere, sitting on top of a pile of cards, is Starbucks the Dragon.
Guarding its precious hoard, sleeping with one eye open.
Because of the caffeine.

Back in the day, dialysis was done at the hospital, and it was a boring and awful experience.
Laying on a bench in a dark room with nothing to do for hours.
If you were lucky, you could read. Or listen to headphones.
Now, dialysis centers have internet and TV and comfortable recliners.
Some of them give neck messages. Or manicures and pedicures.
You can get your hair done, too.
Around Tax Season, they bring in people to help you prepare your taxes.
I know one place that gives hand jobs and blow jobs.
But insurance plans don’t cover that.

Angie’s mother and grandmother died from breast cancer, and she carried the gene for it, too.
So, she had a preventative double mastectomy.
She also had a hysterectomy, and had her ovaries removed, too.
More tests revealed more bad genes.
Surgeons cut away a bad kidney, a lung, some skin, and a leg.
Over the course of a year, she had herself completely hacked to bits.
Reduced to a brain in a jar full of cutting-edge life-sustaining electrolytic fluids, she finally felt safe.
That’s when her doctor found the brain tumor.
He poured the jar into the toilet and flushed.