Category: My stories

Koko is a gorilla that scientists taught how to use sign language.
She communicates with her researchers, has owned cats as pets, and likes it when people visit her.
Scientists taught other animals to use sign language.
Chimpanzees and orangutans use it, although they’re better with pictogram boards.
Symbols which represent things like food and sleep and hello.
And many herding dogs know hand signals, too.
Follow. Chase. Home.
One scientist tried to teach sharks how to use sign language.
But all they ever understood was “Tear me into small bloody chunks.”
I guess that makes the sharks really smart.

I live in a Southern town.
It’s so Southern, we dress up in Union and Rebel uniforms and reenact the Civil War.
The reenactors put a lot of effort into the uniforms and equipment.
Unlike the guys who reenact the reenaction of the Civil War.
Those guys just go through the motions, wave their plastic guns around, then drink a lot of beer.
Then they go home. and their wives bitch about them getting their blue and grey Snuggies all dirty.
But they’re still better than the ones who reenact the reenactment of the Civil War reenactment with video games.

The sales manual says that you need to know your customer.
The Army manual says that you need to know your enemy.
What if your enemy and customer are the same person?
I mean, what if your customer wants to kill you?
Or your enemy wants to walk into your store to buy a toaster.
I hope you’d know that already.
Since you’re supposed to know your enemy and know your customer, right?
I suppose the most important thing is to know when your customer is not your enemy.
Otherwise, you’re going to look silly, attacking them with that toaster.

The President went to Congress to give a speech.
When he walked into the room, the representatives from his party stood up and clapped, and the representatives from the opposing party sat silently.
Then, he gave the speech.
When he finished a sentence, the representatives from his party stood up and clapped, and the representatives from the opposing party sat silently.
After he finished the speech, the representatives from his party stood up and clapped, and the representatives from the opposing party sat silently.
As for the people watching at home, both of them were too drunk to care anymore.

Shakespeare says that a coward dies a thousand deaths, but the valiant taste death but once.
What does death taste like?
It could be like those Harry Potter jellybeans. Different flavors for everyone. Cherry and baked potato and peach and plastic wrap and…
But I doubt it.
If you die from drowning, your death tastes like water.
If you die from getting shot in the chest, your death tastes like blood.
Same as getting punched in the mouth.
If you fall on your face in the dirt to die, your death tastes like dirt.
And maybe vomit, if you’re unlucky.

God created the world, then he created animals and plants and then Adam and Eve.
“You may not eat from the Tree of Knowl- hey, where did it go?” said God.
Adam smiled and pulled out a park bench. “I made this with it.”
God scratched his beard. “Did you eat any of the fruit?”
“No,” said Adam. “Eve tried to get me to, but I tossed it in the river.”
God looked in his rulebook. “I guess that’s okay,” he said. “Oh well. Enjoy eternity.”
And Adam did. Right after he cut out Eve’s tongue with a sharp rock.

I use a treadmill to lose weight.
I lost 25 pounds.
And reached 245 pounds.
Four weeks ago, my sister-in-law came to visit.
And I was unable to use my treadmill in the morning.
Because she slept in that room.
She had a cold. I caught it.
I could not walk in the afternoon, either.
I am stuck at 245.
If a cashier says the price is two dollars and forty-five cents, I will stab him.
If a clock says that the time is two forty five, I will smash it.
AM or PM, I will smash it.
And walk.

Not everyone who listens to Marilyn Manson goes on a shooting spree like the Columbine kids, just as not everyone who sees a Lexus ad goes out and buys a Lexus.
But some people are impressionable, and do go out and buy Lexuses.
And some of them buy those Lexuses for their kids for their sixteenth birthday.
Those are the dangerous ones. Those are the ones we should fear.
Where were the parents, the pundits ask.
Out buying Lexuses. For their kids. For their sixteenth birthdays.
Arrest those parents. Arrest those kids.
Oh, and when you do, bring your guns.

The country was a dictatorship, and the dictator ruled over everything and everyone.
However, when the press came, he had a Potemkin village set up to fool them into thinking the people had food, decent homes, electricity, and freedom.
The press and foreign diplomats liked it so much, more of them came, and the dictator assigned more citizens to the village.
It grew into a city… then several cities… and eventually it spread across the entire country.
The place was prosperous, enlightened, peaceful, and free.
The dictator gladly relinquished power, put on some casual clothes, and enjoyed a stress-free life.

We lived in this place a long time.
The walls are covered with pictures from our life together.
She’s not well. The treatments are expensive.
And we tried to save up for these things, but you can only save up so much.
We’ll have to sell the house.
I took down the pictures.
The wallpaper that was behind the pictures is brighter than the rest of the wall.
And the door to the safe is so shiny.
I open it, and pull out stacks of money.
After she’s gone, I’ll buy the house back.
You can only save so much.