Category: My stories

There’s a party in my pants.
But you aren’t invited.
None of you are.
It’s too cool of a party for the likes of you.
In fact, it’s such a cool party, I wasn’t even invited.
The party’s been going on for days.
The noise keeps me up at night.
I want to call the cops and report this as a public disturbance, but my phone is in my pocket. Which is in my pants.
“Can I at least come in to get my phone?” I ask.
The bouncer shakes his head no.
This is why men should wear kilts.
———-
That’s it for 2016. See you in 2017.

I do not sing for my supper.
My supper sings for me.
The salad opens.
Followed by rhythmic breadsticks.
A sip of melodic icewater.
Then the chorus of the salad.
The ballad of the soup.
And a half dozen oysters as accompaniment.
Enter the main entree: rack of lamb.
Surrounded by the orchestra of vegetables.
Peas, squash, and carrots! What harmony.
The finale approaches, with truffles and brandy at full volume.
The tablecloth curtain falls.
Simply marvelous! Marvelous!

I stand up and light my lighter.
My supper comes back for an encore.
As i vomit it all over the carpet.

I’m always falling asleep in meetings.
I’ve tried coffee and energy drinks and the occasional pill or two.
Nothing works.
Then, on Halloween, I went to the office dressed as Spiderman.
I didn’t say anything as Spiderman. I just pantomimed things.
I was the old Electric Company show Spiderman, who didn’t talk.
Nobody could see my closed eyes behind the mask.
I napped peacefully through meetings.
When someone would ask me what I thought, I’d pantomime an ambiguous answer.
And then napped again.
Until one day, when I woke up, everyone was wearing a Spiderman costume and napping through meetings.

They say that Teddy Roosevelt was strong enough to wrestle a bear, but wrestling officials wouldn’t let Teddy into the Bear Wrestling League Union. He just wasn’t big enough to qualify for the lowest bear weight class.
Teddy tried to put on more mass, but his doctor told him that all that excess fat wouldn’t be good for his health.
And wrestling men in bear suits just wasn’t the same.
Now and then, a visitor would smuggle in a bear for him to wrestle, but the wrestling officials inspected all packages and baggage coming to the White House.
Poor Teddy.

The Cardinal is the state bird of Illinois. And Indiana. And Kentucky.
It’s also the state bird of North Carolina, Ohio, Virginia, and West Virginia.
A lot of states share the same state bird.
And you’d think that the state bird of California would be the condor, or the flamingo as Florida’s state bird.
Nope.
All in all, the state birds are lame. No hawks or eagles. Nothing all that impressive, like a fierce owl or vulture.
Hawaii has a kind of duck, the nene.
It’s an ugly thing, but a good Scrabble word if you have Ns and Es.

On the day that Obama told his United Nations Ambassador to abstain on a vote that declared The Temple and the Jewish Quarter of Jerusalem to be illegally occupied by Jews, he held a menorah lighting at the White House.
The Hanukkah Miracle took place at The Temple.
The same Temple that he declared to be illegally occupied by Jews.
Either his advisers failed to tell him of the twisted irony of his actions, or they did, and he just ignored history and replaced it with his own deranged view of reality.
Smile for the cameras, you ugly hypocritical bastard.