They used to call baseball players “The Boys Of Summer” but they’re playing year-round these days. The World Series is also known as The Fall Classic, Spring Training happens in the Spring, and rookies can work on their skills.
Because they’re starting younger and going at it without a break, the wear-and-tear on their bodies takes its toll quicker. Strained tendons and torn ligaments, and the always dreaded Tommy John surgery.
So few make it to the majors, they stop chasing the dream at twenty-six, broken-down and without an education… without a career… without a future.
Who cares? Play ball!
Category: My stories
Best of the best
Who was the best basketball player in history?
You can quote statistics and run simulations, but Doctor Odd has a time machine and can organize games between the actual players.
But he won’t. Because that would change the course of history.
Well, that, and it’s not allowed in the collective bargaining agreement between the players union and the owners. The owners don’t want any players using time machines to jump ahead into their free agency. Or going back to agitate for better terms for the early days of the league.
It doesn’t stop Doctor Odd from gambling on games, though.
Keurig Tea
I bought a Keurig beverage maker for Christmas.
I mostly use fill-your-own coffee cups with it because Kona Hawaiian coffee is my favorite.
But I have other flavors like Caramel and Hazelnut that I like for when I’m too lazy to fill and wash the fill-your-own.
As for tea, well, tea bags are so much cheaper than K-cup tea. I’ve got boxes and boxes of tea on the shelf.
Unused. Because I’m too lazy to make a pot or pitcher of it. Or even put 2 in a cup and run the Keurig without anything in it for hot water.
The God
There’s a civilization of tiny people living in my scalp. They think I’m some sort of god.
An evil god.
I pick at them and scratch them out constantly. Then I flood and smother them every morning with shampoo in the shower.
Then I smother them in darkness when I put on my favorite ballcap. Which I never wash, so they are blanketed in the stench.
And yet, they still call me their god. And sing hymns and shout prayers and conduct rituals and sacrifice crops and livestock in my vaunted name.
Stupid noisy fuckers. Time to shave my head.
Tamer
Ted is a lion-tamer with rage disorder.
So, every now and then, when he throws a tantrum, the ringmaster calls for the lion-tamer tamer.
No, he doesn’t come in with a chair and a whip. Nor is it some hot chick in a low-cut blouse.
It’s actually Gus, the security officer for the circus. He’s a good shot with a taser gun.
“You want to go get a coffee, Ted?” says Gus calmly.
Ted charges, and Gus is forced to zap him.
The crowd applauds and cheers, and then screams as the pack of lions tear Gus and Ted apart.
Clean Slate
If there are legal pads, are there illegal pads?
Yes. There are illegal pads.
Oh, they started off as legal pads, just like any other legal pad, but they were highly impressionable, and they got into ink. Bad ink. And bad contracts.
They say a prescription pad’s not to blame for a corrupt physician’s crimes, and I guess you could same for legal pads gone bad too, but given enough time, the evil rubs off on them.
No, there’s no hope for them, except put them into the recycling bin and maybe they’ll get another chance.
Or become toilet paper.
Misnaming Rights
The baseball team threatened to move to another city, so the city agreed to give the team more tax breaks and financed a new stadium.
A national insurance company headquartered in the city bought the naming rights of the stadium, but the team went with another insurance company.
Sure enough, the team cut corners when they constructed the new stadium, and a deck collapsed during a game.
Even though the insurance company on the stadium wasn’t involved, they got the bad publicity when the lawsuits piled up and victims complained about the settlement.
The team moved to another city anyway.
Live On
Everybody loves The Edna Copperpot Mysteries.
Except the author: Dame Lilith Wilmington.
Sure, Edna had made her fabulously wealthy and famous. Books, movies, and television series kept the royalties rolling in.
Despite the success, Lilith was tired of Edna. She wanted to try something new.
She wrote poetry, and the critics brutally savaged her.
Lilith blamed Edna. So, Edna needed to die.
Lilith finished the final chapter and smiled. And as she hit “Send” her heart gave out.
Lilith died.
After the funeral, the editor cleaned up the ending. The publisher loved it, and made the editor Edna’s new writer.
Trash Talk
Some players have a reputation in the league for trash talk. And the league is trying to clean things up.
So, instead of trash-talking, players are being encouraged to recycle-talk.
The greener the words, the better. Sustainability is key. Renewable is all the rage. Because nobody wants to waste words.
Especially when the game is on the line, and you’re running out of fouls to give, time outs, and words.
Nothing’s worse than a team that’s run out of words, left only with facial gestures and hand signals to finish out the game.
Choose your words wisely, guys.
Speak green.
Whip
An apple a day may keep the doctor away, but I’ve found that a leather bullwhip is just as effective.
Especially when it’s one of those doctors that tries to avoid patients as much as possible, packing in way too many appointments for the day and having the nurses do all those blood pressure and height and weight things.
“The doctor will be with you in a moment,” is such a lie, as same as “This won’t hurt a bit.” and “You don’t need that bullwhip.”
Oh hell yes I do! I say, and I crack the whip, grinning wide.