“I love you.”
Three words.
Three simple words appeared on the moon.
They slowly revealed themselves to the world as the phases changed, but astronomers and people with telescope.
Who wrote it?
Who did they write it for?
Nobody knows.
Some say that God wrote it.
If He did, why in English?
Why there?
We don’t know.
That’s when we used the satellites.
The really high ones.
To look back at the Earth.
Who wrote it?
Who did they write it for?
I have no idea. None of us do.
But it’s a date.
An expiration date.
And it’s tomorrow.
Category: My stories
The Same Shoes
I tend to buy the same New Balance shoes every fall.
It’s a force of habit, the same shoes.
There’s the outline of an N on the sides. N. For New Balance.
But it looks like a Z.
Maybe it is a Z.
What does it stand for?
Zip? Zoom?
I don’t know.
It’s time to buy new shoes.
The treads are wearing out on my current pair.
One day, New Balance will stop making these shoes.
I’ll have to buy another kind of shoe.
But until then, I’ll wear these.
With the outline of an N on the sides.
Slug Bug
Ever play Slug Bug?
What about Punch Buggy.
Whenever you see a Volkswagen Beetle, you’re supposed to punch someone in the arm and announce the color of the Beetle you saw.
People play this game and others across the world.
Ever play Stab SAAB?
See a SAAB, stab the closest person.
It’s a really messy game. Not as messy as Vomit Volvo, but certainly less fun.
What? You and your friends play Murder Mercedes? Every time you see a Mercedes, you murder someone?
Oh? You murder the driver of Mercedes?
Well, that’s okay then. Fucking Mercedeses.
Can I play, too?
Wickeder
What was the name of the Wicked Witch?
Which one?
The West one was the one played by Margaret Hamilton, right?
They dropped the house on her sister from the East.
Well, they never said the name of the one from the West.
But The Wicked Witch of the East was named Ding Dong.
All those midgets sang “Ding Dong The Witch Is Dead” right?
The witch down the street is named Olivia.
She turns kids into frogs.
Especially those who throw buckets of water at her, or use the garden hose.
I once set off her lawn sprinklers.
Ribbit.
Par for the ruins of a course
My grandfather used to take us miniature golfing.
The course was near the Adler Planetarium. It was a decent enough place to play when we first went there, but each time we went, something else was broken, or a water basin drained, or they didn’t bother sweeping up the fallen leaves.
The last time we went, it was all in ruins. The paint on the rails was peeling. The turf carpet was worn. And the obstacles were all a wreck.
The railroad gate had to be held up to let the ball roll under it.
We never went back again.
Operation
Ever play the game Operation?
I love to play that game.
Take out the pieces.
Win money.
Don’t touch the sides.
Ever since I was a child.
But I am old now.
My hands tremble and shake.
And no matter what I do.
The buzzer buzzes.
The grandkids want to play.
I get out the pieces.
Load up the board.
And we play.
It is the best we have ever played.
Nobody gets buzzed.
Nobody loses.
Everybody wins.
When we’re finished
I put everything back in the box
Including the batteries for the board
That I’d put in my pocket
Funny Turnover
Things are a bit shaky where I work.
There’s been a lot of turnover recently.
When employees quit or get fired, management sends out a memo to the staff to let them know.
That way, you know who to go to for something.
But they never say why the person is leaving.
Some say it was sexual harassment
Other say it as a personality conflict with bosses.
Instead of participating in water-cooler gossip, I just assume that they were eaten by clowns.
So, when they hired a clown for my surprise birthday party, I stabbed him with the cake knife.
Festival
Every year, we go to the lavender festival.
You’d think there’s only so many things you can do with lavender, like grow it in a pot or dry it for a scented pillow, you’re wrong.
We cook with it.
We clean with it.
And we even bathe with it.
But most importantly, it keeps away the alien invaders.
No, not the retirees from California.
Real aliens. From outer space.
And they’re deathly allergic to lavender.
We offer pamphlets about them, but don’t beat anyone over the head with it.
Except for the aliens’ human agents, I suppose.
Are you one?
Dishwasher Safe
Tina was one of those “special” kids.
Looked totally normal from the outside. No limp or big forehead, or tubes sticking out of her. Okay, maybe going everywhere with her Betsy Wetsy was a bit off.
She was just kinda slow.
Her parents tried hard to “mainstream” her with routines and chores: clean her room, vacuum the floors, do the dishes. That kind of thing.
When her dolly got messy from being dragged in the mud, she could run her through the dishwasher herself.
As for the kids she was supposed to be babysitting, that’s for a jury to decide.
Fire Bill
Moments before Lily Mason burst into flames, she set her husband on fire.
Then her kitchen. And after that, her house. And her neighbor’s house.
There wasn’t much room between houses, so the fire jumped from house to house quickly.
The whole neighborhood was a raging inferno by the time the fire department arrived.
There was nothing they could do but watch and keep people back.
The fire burned for hours, until the whole neighborhood was nothing but embers and ashes.
“Should have paid her fire bill,” said the crew chief. “Too bad.”
They rolled up their hoses and left.