Dante wrote that the gates of Hell are inscribed with: “Abandon all hope all ye who enter here.”
It used to be only in Italian, but now it’s in dozens of languages.
But that’s all on the outside of the gates.
The inside reads: “You will need to get your hand stamped for re-entry on same day fare.”
People entering Hell sometimes see that and wonder if it’s possible to leave Hell because of that.
“Can I get my hand stamped?” these people ask.
The Devil laughs at these fools. “Didn’t you read the first sign?”
Then he laughs more.
Category: My stories
Sally
Ted always dated women named Sally.
“I got ‘Sally’ tattooed on my arm when I was in the Navy,” he told me. “It was easier dating just women named Sally than to get it removed.”
He’d gotten married recently.
“Congratulations, I said. “Finally found the right Sally?”
“Hell no,” he said. “But you know how people convert religions to get married?”
She changed her name to Sally?
Well. Almost. “Her middle name was Sally,” said Ted, “but you know how love is?”
I sure do.
I rubbed the spot where the Ted tattoo had been and tried not to cry.
GMO
My girlfriend is a vegetarian who won’t eat genetically-modified food.
“You get more information from a mattress tag about what goes into it than you do from a Monsanto food label,” she said.
So, the next time she came over for dinner, I cooked up my mattress.
And it was much better than any of the tofu or bean curd crap she cooked for me.
“That was delicious,” she said. “What was in that?”
I handed her the mattress tag.
Sure, it was hard fitting it in the oven, but it was harder finding a wine that went with it.
Trees
I needed some foliage in my office to liven things up, but there’s no way I’d get sunlight back in this corner, nor would I remember to water the plants.
So, I bought a set of artificial trees and plants, and I arranged them around my desk and bookshelves.
A stuffed woodpecker had built a nest in the tree while I was away at lunch.
“Very funny guys,” I said.
The next day, the flowers had been ravaged by a stuffed bunny rabbit, and stuffed beavers had chewed down the trees to make a dam by the copier.
Fucking bastards.
Kick Me Starter
We’d had problems raising funds for our charity project, so we hired a consultant to help us.
The consultant told us about social media and all kinds of new ways to raise money.
They also found a charitable foundation that would match all of our funds raised dollar-for-dollar.
After weeks for heavy marketing, the fundraising campaign rolled out and we didn’t just meet our goals, but surpassed them.
The celebration didn’t last long, because the consultant vanished with all the money.
Then the foundation matched him dollar for dollar: they embezzled the exact same amount.
Next time, we’ll stick with Kickstarter.
Love Gone Wrong
Everywhere, I see bumperstickers that say JESUS LOVES YOU.
Shit.
Yeah, Jesus and I had a thing back in the day.
It got weird. And then creepy.
I told him to take a hike.
He was all like “FINE!”, but he started following me everywhere, showing up everywhere I went.
Coincidence, my ass.
Then he killed my fish. Turned the water in the aquarium to wine.
I called the cops, but they told me to change the lock.
After that, Jesus threatened to kill himself.
I said “Go ahead.”
And he did.
But the asshole came back three days later.
Ribbit
Kermit the Frog’s a famous Hollywood celebrity, but if you asked him, he’d give up the singing and dancing in a heartbeat to pursue his lifelong dream of being a weatherman.
He’d log the temperature, winds, and rain in his journal every day. For Christmas, he’d ask Santa for a barometer, but all he’d get is acting lessons or a banjo.
In college, he studied meteorology and got perfect grades.
But when he got a television gig, he was assigned to Muppet News Flashes, not weather.
You see, he’s green, and the weather map uses a green screen.
Poor bastard.
Packaging
There’s a saying in social media that if you can’t tell what the product is, then the product is you.
Especially when you wake up in the morning and find yourself sealed in a plastic case that’s hard to open.
If you thought opening those things up was hard to do from the outside, you should try to do that from the inside.
Who sleeps with a boxcutter or a sharp pair of scissors in their pocket?
I do, because there’s no telling when someone will package you up.
(Just don’t stab your mother when she tucks you in, okay?)
In Glass Houses
All his life, Ralph designed unusual houses.
His most unusual house was a gigantic disco ball.
It even turned on its base, and it could be lit up at night with massive floodlights.
This annoyed the hell out of the neighbors.
The last straw was when he played that “Disco Duck” song at full volume for four hours straight.
The neighbors called the police, who rushed to the scene.
The mirrored surface of the house reflected the headlights back into the cops’ eyes, blinding them.
They all crashed into the house, and one ended up running over Ralph, killing him.
Kissing Booth
I know a girl so ugly, when she sits in the kissing booth, guys pay to kiss the booth.
But then, when that girl was replaced by a hot girl, the guys still kissed the booth.
That’s because the booth was made from bacon. And despite guys kissing that booth all day long, leaving their slobber and germs on the bacon, they kept coming.
The hot girl got offended by the attention the booth was getting, so she put on a bacon bikini.
She collected a fortune that way. And ran off with it.
Never hire hookers for charity fundraisers.