There’s no sound quite like the whistle of a teakettle.
I like to fill up the teakettle, put it on the stove, and then wait for the whistle.
Then, I take off the kettle, pour the water out, and start again.
I’ll do this a few dozen times in an evening when I’m in the mood.
Sure, you can boil water in the microwave, but there’s no whistle.
Just the beep of the timer when it’s done.
My new place has a boiling water spigot in addition to the hot and cold taps.
That’s nice.
Hand me the kettle, please.
Category: My stories
Juicer
Rumors spread across the sporting world that the greatest athlete in the sport was using performance-enhancing drugs.
But then, everybody was doing it back then. The sport was rotten with cheaters and juicers. Everybody doped and juiced to keep up with him.
He just did it more effectively.
Finally, on his last race on the last tour in his career, he performed clean.
No drugs.
No blood doping.
No enhancements at all.
And he came in last place.
Until, of course, he ratted on everybody.
He was the only one to pass the tests, and was declared winner by default.
Vanish
Do weightlifters vanish when they try to lift weights in weightless environments?
I don’t know. But I’m sure that they could figure it out on the space station.
Okay, so there’s many other high-priority experiments that take priority over a weightlifter in space lifting weights. Like superconductors and crystals, and superconducting crystals.
And when it costs so much to boost cargo into orbit, weights won’t exactly going to top the manifest.
Still, it doesn’t take much to fashion some makeshift weights, wear a strongman suit, and test the theory.
Until then, the greatest mystery of the universe remains a mystery.
Middle Man
Everybody’s always saying they’re gonna cut out the middle man.
Who is the middle man?
Why is he in the middle?
What’s he doing there?
If he was just getting in the way, why was he there in the first place?
Where do you learn how to be a middle man?
Middle school?
So, you want to cut him out?
If he’s not in the middle anymore, what’s he going to do with his spare time?
I’d rather have him there in the middle, where I can see him. There’s no way I’ll turn my back to a guy like that.
Parland
West Parland and East Parland have been enemies for so long, there’s no remaining evidence of there having been a unified Parland ever existing.
Each claims to be the right and proper Parland, claiming sovereignty over the other, home of the National Church Of Parland, speakers of the Original Parland language, and keepers of the Parland style of cuisine.
Finally, in the dead of night, after so many years, the East Parland Army marched West… and the West Parland Army marched East.
They completely missed each other, and they conquered their enemies’ lands.
The citizens woke up confused and frightened.
3D
These three dimensional printers are revolutionizing the manufacturing process.
But they’re also screwing with the structure of society.
Students in my 3D Manufacturing Class aren’t allowed to print duplicates of themselves to do their homework for them, but that doesn’t stop them from turning off the anti-cloning filters and playing God.
But then, a lazy student who clones themselves will create a lazy duplicate.
And I routinely check the logs for biological replication, so the cheaters are easy to discover and hand an F.
Well, I don’t hand them an F.
My duplicate does.
(Or has he duplicated himself already?)
Can of worms
Where did the expression “can of worms” come from?
Well, long ago, bait shops would sell worms in pails with lids.
If you wanted to bait a hook, you had to pry off the lid and pull out a worm.
Once the pail was open, you had to close it back up. Otherwise, the worms would crawl out and escape.
So, it’s not the opening a can of worms that’s a problem, but not putting the lid back on it.
If you use worms.
I catch fish with dynamite. To blow a hole in the wall of the fish market.
Hitler
Monopoly recently retired the iron game piece and replaced it with a cat.
Their second choice was a die-cast figurine of Adolf Hitler.
Why Adolf Hitler would be wandering the streets of Atlantic City, purchasing property and building hotels, I’m not sure.
But you’ve got to admit that if you had a choice between the iron and Hitler, you’d go with Hitler in a heartbeat, right?
In fact, coming in second place in that beauty contest may have been the motivation for Hitler to invade Poland and Czechoslovakia.
If only he’d have come in first.
So many lives needlessly lost.
Barrow
I was thinking about gardening, when I asked myself “Why do they call them wheelbarrows?”
All wheelbarrows have wheels, so why not call them barrows?
Have you ever heard of a barrow? A barrow without a wheel?
I’ve never heard of one. Or seen one.
I looked it up. They’re called a travois. They’re carts that you drag behind horses.
You’d think they’d call them horsebarrows, but they call them travois.
Goddamned French.
However, now that I’ve brought up the subject, can you bring up a horse from the basement?
I’m out of wheels, and there’s gardening to be done.
Dan Mauer
The Revival Laws clearly state that it is illegal to revive a person against their will.
It is also illegal to revive a person multiple times.
So, the seven starving Dan Bauers locked up in my basement would score me several lifetimes in jail if anybody reported them.
Nobody will.
Instead, a select audience of his victims watches them with sick delight, screaming and yelling as the revived duplicates attack each other and suffer over and over again.
No man deserves such a fate… or fates.
Except this monster: Dan Bauer.
Maybe next time, we’ll place bets.
Watch… and win!